I don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Skyfire, May 9, 2013.

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  1. Skyfire

    Skyfire Active Member

    Sorry this is my first post, but I just can't keep it inside anymore.

    I am so afraid that I am going to kill myself. My mother hates me, and I can't bear it. She will be so kind to me for a few days at a time, and its like heaven, and then all of a sudden something will set her off, and she will spend hours screaming at me and degrading me, bringing up every mistake I've ever made, telling me I'm fat and lazy and useless, that I've ruined the lives of our whole family, how she wishes I would just disappear so that she could pay someone to replace me. It hurts so much. I've only ever wanted to make my mother proud and happy, but no matter how hard I work, or what I do, I'm nothing to her.

    They say you're supposed to tell someone when you feel like you want to die, so I told her, because I really don't have anyone else, and she said she wished I'd hurry up and do it and stop bothering her with it; she's busy and I'm so selfish to distract her with bullshit. She told me that I'm too much of a coward to do it, or else I'd put my money where my mouth is and just do it already. She said that I should "die young and make a pretty corpse", but I'd have to lose weight first, or I wouldn't even be able to do that right.

    After she goes off, then the next day she'll say she doesn't know why I am crying, that I am just being self absorbed and want to drag up the past and ruin her day. And so I'll try to be quiet and she'll be nice to me for a few days. And then it starts all over again.

    I don't know why she hates me so much. I love her so much, and I feel so pathetic for loving someone who beats me down so much. I don't understand it, and I can't stand it. I feel like my soul is screaming inside my body, and I just want to rip myself to shreds and set it free from the pain and the loneliness. I can't stop grieving. I am so afraid to even go near her anymore because she hurts me so much, but I can't stand to cut ties with her because she's my mother and I love her all the way down to my bones. Its tearing me apart. I don't know what to do.
  2. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    your mom is putting her feelings about herself on you...a lot of times people use other people as a mirror and project themselves on them...so don't take it as she hates you...she has a lot of anger about her own life and she's blaming everyone else....especially those that are the closest to her...

    I'm sorry you are going through that...is there a way you can leave? get your own place? or just leave when she yells? you don't deserve to be abused like that...
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for the difficult situation you find yourself in. It is time to put some distance between yourself and your mother. It will be far too hard to make other more supportive and beneficial relationships while living in the shadow of that one. It sounds like your mother has some issues of her own that need to be dealt with by her- not you- either mental health issues or I would wonder about drinking based on random times anger and lashing out.

    If you are still living at home try to make a plan to move out on your own where you do not have to deal with her issues and can start working on your own life. Nobody deserves to be told those things and since you can't control what she says take control of what you can and make it so you do not have to listen to it.
  4. katrina77

    katrina77 Guest

    Your mother doesn't hate you. Judging by her violent mood swings, I would guess she is suffering from some sort of mental or emotional disorder. This may be something she has always had, made worse by age, menopause, or stress.

    The most important thing for you to learn, is that this has absolutely nothing to do with you. She is just looking for someone to take her frustrations out on, and if it wasn't you, it would be your dad, another sibling, the dog, or the mailman. It's not your problem, it's hers. Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do. Just hang in there, and make other living arrangements when you are older, finished school, or find a job. You can live with other relatives, friends, etc., until you can afford something better.

    I don't know if this will help, but I went through something similar. My father sexually molested me. Not only did my mother not help me, she actually blamed me for causing a rift between my dad and herself. She told me I was "ruining their marriage, because my dad preferred me to her". She use to beat the crap out of me all the time, bad enough to be put into a hospital on one occasion. This was back in the days when if the parent said you "fell down", no one asked questions.

    It took me a long time to get past what she said and did, but I have. The thing that helped me most was realizing that she had a serious problem, but it had nothing to do with me. I was just an innocent bystander who got caught in the crossfire. I hated her for a long time, but don't now. She was ill, and never really understood the impact on me.

    It's tough when a parent abuses you, I think tougher than when a stranger does it. A stranger you can just outright hate, but when it's mom or dad, you can't. No matter what they do, they're still mom and dad, and you still care about them.

    Hang in there. It can get better.
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