Sorry this is my first post, but I just can't keep it inside anymore. I am so afraid that I am going to kill myself. My mother hates me, and I can't bear it. She will be so kind to me for a few days at a time, and its like heaven, and then all of a sudden something will set her off, and she will spend hours screaming at me and degrading me, bringing up every mistake I've ever made, telling me I'm fat and lazy and useless, that I've ruined the lives of our whole family, how she wishes I would just disappear so that she could pay someone to replace me. It hurts so much. I've only ever wanted to make my mother proud and happy, but no matter how hard I work, or what I do, I'm nothing to her. They say you're supposed to tell someone when you feel like you want to die, so I told her, because I really don't have anyone else, and she said she wished I'd hurry up and do it and stop bothering her with it; she's busy and I'm so selfish to distract her with bullshit. She told me that I'm too much of a coward to do it, or else I'd put my money where my mouth is and just do it already. She said that I should "die young and make a pretty corpse", but I'd have to lose weight first, or I wouldn't even be able to do that right. After she goes off, then the next day she'll say she doesn't know why I am crying, that I am just being self absorbed and want to drag up the past and ruin her day. And so I'll try to be quiet and she'll be nice to me for a few days. And then it starts all over again. I don't know why she hates me so much. I love her so much, and I feel so pathetic for loving someone who beats me down so much. I don't understand it, and I can't stand it. I feel like my soul is screaming inside my body, and I just want to rip myself to shreds and set it free from the pain and the loneliness. I can't stop grieving. I am so afraid to even go near her anymore because she hurts me so much, but I can't stand to cut ties with her because she's my mother and I love her all the way down to my bones. Its tearing me apart. I don't know what to do.