My name is John. I am bipolar and have BPD. I am married for the 2nd time to a korean woman. We have been together since February 2014 married since August 2015. I recently upset my wife by asking her why. So it was raining ever slightly at her work and she told me to come pick her up. I asked why. She works 7 minutes away. I am stupid. I didn't understand that if I asked why She would get upset to the point that she says she feels nothing for me. This happened 2 days ago. I should have not asked why but I should have just gone there and said ok. She came home just to grab her purse and then she drove off. I ran after her car and she sped away. I am so scared. She is the only reason I have to be and she does not feel anything for me. I have thought long and hard about this and I have decided to give up my life. I feel terrible and know she would be better without me. The opposite of love is indifference, not hate. She doesn't care that I exist so why should I. My parents are out of my life. My sister's and brothers have not seen me in over a year. They were abusive toward me so good riddance. My life has gone down hill and I do not feel like I can take this anymore. I own several guns and have been contemplating taking my self out to the middle of nowhere and disappearing forever. I do not want to harm anyone. The only reason I have not done anything is I believe that I should not leave this large sum of bills for her to pay. A house. A car. Everyday expenses. This is it. I wish I was better for her. I wish she could just forgive me. I want her to be the same person I met and love. I want her to have feelings for me. She is cold and distant. She keeps saying things about just going through her life as is. Why. Why. Why. Why would such a response destroy a relationship so a much? Why should I even care about my life? Why should I live? I am a disabled vet. I have no friends. I choose to fade away from this place. I will be going to he'll for sure. I am trying to make my peace with this. Please do not read this thinking I am trying to get a ride out of people. I do not care if you think these things. I have nothing to live for. Everything I do, someone else could do it better than me. I will never hurt anyone. I will never forgive myself. I will end this pain. I can not eat. I have nightmares. I feel damned already. Maybe I was supposed to die in combat years ago. At least that would be an honorable death. People would remeber me and I would be a hero. This did not happen. I am tired of fighting. I have been fighting for 29 years. I just want to rest. I think that the best way to go now is alone, utterally alone. I don't want to cause trouble for anyone. I want no money spent in reviving me or recovering the body or anything. I want to be selfish for once. This is my choice. This is my life. This is my wish. I am an organ donor and if I died then many people could be saved. That would be a death worth dying for. Do I contact a hospital? Can I just go to the hospital and say take anything you need. I have a strong heart and lungs and kidneys. O+ blood type. I am in perfect physical health, so I know that people would love to get my vitals. I don't do drugs. I run everyday and I work out regularly. I would give up everything I own to not be anymore. I only ever want to help people. I hoi ed the Navy after high school to do this. I am not not adjusting to civilian life. I do not know how to handle myself here. This worlds is cruel. Unforgiving and I am worth more gone than here. I have tried to do this more than once but I always found the strength to push onward. I had friends. My best friend married me. Now without her I am just a waste of space. Please do not follow my lead. I am not a role model. I wish good luck to all who read this to the end. Just because I could not handle this does not mean you can't. You are loved. You are needed. You are awesome. You have talents. You have goals. You belong to a group of friends. No matter what you think you will be fine. You did not live my life, and I, yours but, you must succeed where I failed. Go out and find the ones who love you and tell them how you feel. Tell them you are sorry and make sure they understand that you understand that it is your fault and don't make promises. Show them you care. Prove yourself worthy. Believe in yourself and whatever deity you believe in. This is a right people like me have fought for. Some even died for this. You have the obligation to pursue life, liberty and happiness. I will not turn 30 this year. I will not achieve my goals or even see what the future holds, because for me there is nothing. Some of the best advise you will ever get, may have come from a dead man or someone like me. Promise me that together y'all can stop more people from hurting themselves and each other. All I have ever known is failure, abuse, and lies. I have been living a lie for 29 years. I should not have been created. My parents didn't want me. My parents hurt me and taught me to ask for nothing. I fought back once against them and it ended our relationship. No mom. No dad. No bro. No sis. No one. They don't see what they have done to me. They set me up for failure. They warped my mind. If she talks to me by the end of the week then I will not leave but I doubt she will. She could not care less about my safety and well-being. I forgive you. Please forgive me.