I dont know what to do

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by John BN, Jun 23, 2016.

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  1. John BN

    John BN Member

    My name is John. I am bipolar and have BPD. I am married for the 2nd time to a korean woman. We have been together since February 2014 married since August 2015.

    I recently upset my wife by asking her why. So it was raining ever slightly at her work and she told me to come pick her up. I asked why. She works 7 minutes away. I am stupid. I didn't understand that if I asked why She would get upset to the point that she says she feels nothing for me. This happened 2 days ago. I should have not asked why but I should have just gone there and said ok. She came home just to grab her purse and then she drove off. I ran after her car and she sped away. I am so scared. She is the only reason I have to be and she does not feel anything for me.

    I have thought long and hard about this and I have decided to give up my life. I feel terrible and know she would be better without me. The opposite of love is indifference, not hate. She doesn't care that I exist so why should I.

    My parents are out of my life. My sister's and brothers have not seen me in over a year. They were abusive toward me so good riddance.

    My life has gone down hill and I do not feel like I can take this anymore. I own several guns and have been contemplating taking my self out to the middle of nowhere and disappearing forever. I do not want to harm anyone.

    The only reason I have not done anything is I believe that I should not leave this large sum of bills for her to pay. A house. A car. Everyday expenses.

    This is it.

    I wish I was better for her. I wish she could just forgive me. I want her to be the same person I met and love. I want her to have feelings for me. She is cold and distant. She keeps saying things about just going through her life as is.

    Why. Why. Why. Why would such a response destroy a relationship so a much? Why should I even care about my life? Why should I live?

    I am a disabled vet. I have no friends. I choose to fade away from this place.

    I will be going to he'll for sure. I am trying to make my peace with this.

    Please do not read this thinking I am trying to get a ride out of people. I do not care if you think these things. I have nothing to live for. Everything I do, someone else could do it better than me.

    I will never hurt anyone. I will never forgive myself. I will end this pain. I can not eat. I have nightmares. I feel damned already. Maybe I was supposed to die in combat years ago. At least that would be an honorable death. People would remeber me and I would be a hero. This did not happen.

    I am tired of fighting. I have been fighting for 29 years. I just want to rest.

    I think that the best way to go now is alone, utterally alone. I don't want to cause trouble for anyone. I want no money spent in reviving me or recovering the body or anything.

    I want to be selfish for once.

    This is my choice. This is my life. This is my wish.

    I am an organ donor and if I died then many people could be saved. That would be a death worth dying for.

    Do I contact a hospital? Can I just go to the hospital and say take anything you need. I have a strong heart and lungs and kidneys. O+ blood type. I am in perfect physical health, so I know that people would love to get my vitals.

    I don't do drugs. I run everyday and I work out regularly.

    I would give up everything I own to not be anymore.

    I only ever want to help people. I hoi ed the Navy after high school to do this. I am not not adjusting to civilian life. I do not know how to handle myself here. This worlds is cruel. Unforgiving and I am worth more gone than here.

    I have tried to do this more than once but I always found the strength to push onward. I had friends. My best friend married me. Now without her I am just a waste of space.

    Please do not follow my lead. I am not a role model. I wish good luck to all who read this to the end.

    Just because I could not handle this does not mean you can't. You are loved. You are needed. You are awesome. You have talents. You have goals. You belong to a group of friends. No matter what you think you will be fine. You did not live my life, and I, yours but, you must succeed where I failed.

    Go out and find the ones who love you and tell them how you feel. Tell them you are sorry and make sure they understand that you understand that it is your fault and don't make promises. Show them you care. Prove yourself worthy.

    Believe in yourself and whatever deity you believe in. This is a right people like me have fought for. Some even died for this. You have the obligation to pursue life, liberty and happiness.

    I will not turn 30 this year. I will not achieve my goals or even see what the future holds, because for me there is nothing.

    Some of the best advise you will ever get, may have come from a dead man or someone like me.

    Promise me that together y'all can stop more people from hurting themselves and each other.

    All I have ever known is failure, abuse, and lies.

    I have been living a lie for 29 years.

    I should not have been created. My parents didn't want me. My parents hurt me and taught me to ask for nothing.

    I fought back once against them and it ended our relationship. No mom. No dad. No bro. No sis. No one.

    They don't see what they have done to me. They set me up for failure. They warped my mind.

    If she talks to me by the end of the week then I will not leave but I doubt she will. She could not care less about my safety and well-being.

    I forgive you.

    Please forgive me.
  2. Always

    Always New Member

    John, somewhere out there is the perfect friend, wife, situation. The problem is is that you haven't found it yet. Maybe you aren't letting yourself. I read through your whole post. I too believe that a person should have the right to end things if life is just not working out for them. I don't think anyone should tell them they can't. BUT at the same time I can't help feel that often we stop ourselves from getting to that happy place. I've been where you are. Desperate. I have taken steps a few times to do it. Somehow I start picking up the pieces again and going forward. I don't know what will happen. Maybe someday I will completely give up and do it but it's not today. And just maybe tomorrow will be ok or good or better. Maybe now or yesterday was the last of the really bad days. By giving up now, you could be missing out on the better tomorrow. But I think you need to figure out where you want to go AND take yourself there. I find I feel better when I accomplish things. When I stop dwelling on what I can't do or can't change and focus on what I can. Then I feel like I'm getting somewhere. Can you set up goals? Your post tells about things that are wrong. How can you make each better? If your parents were abusive, maybe go out and volunteer for other senior citizens to find 'better' fill in parents. Join any group with similar interests to get out and meet people (what I'm doing currently). It does take time. SO slow. Sigh. But things can change. And if things don't work out with your wife, that is HER failing because she is running. Often we assume that the fault lies with us when so much of the time it's issues with the other person. Please think about these things. Try to think about what you CAN do rather than what you don't have. I hope you stick around.
  3. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    John, I am sorry for what you are going through. Contact the VA crisis line they can help, I talked to them and they helped me through some issues. I know about adjusting to civilian life I served from 78 thru 83 and it was tough for me to adjust also yet I did.
    I deal with the VA hospital right now as a hardship case which is a different story yet they have given me Prozac which has taken the edge off.
    I would hope you give your implements away to a trusted friend to hold and not give them back to you. I had to do that many years ago when I was in Law Enforcement and my life came crashing down. I never got them back and don't care if I do or not.
    I can't address the issue with your wife as I am having troubles of my own with mine.
    Break down the big things into little ones, much easier to handle. There was a time I didn't think I would make to the age I have yet I did and I will probably live longer, you will too.
    Jenumbra likes this.
  4. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support SF Artist SF Supporter

    Hey John, I encourage you to hang on and get some help......like @mpk said call the VA crisis line. You're still a young man and I know how it feels to think your life is over. But it does change, these feelings are temporary and can be worked through with some help. You've served your country and its time to let others help you. I'm glad you found this forum, the people here care and will support you through this time. Take care
  5. John BN

    John BN Member

    What is normal. How do I get some of that? I wish you all the best. I have been in medication. I have been to therapists. I still have bipolar and BPD. That will never change. I have called every crisis line there is. I served 10 years and I wanted to do more. They said I was done. I just want normal things. I want the love of my wife. I want the respe t of my co-workers. Is that too much to ask for? I have really given this so much thought and planning. I know you are trying g to help me but I am a lost cause. I am dedicating my last days to help others not choose my route. I have lived a full life and as long as I help one person before Sunday... I think I will be happy that my life has meaning.
  6. John BN

    John BN Member

    Thanks for your words. I am what I am. I have tried to be a good honest man following orders and making things happen. I am just not able to keep my self composed anymore. I have always felt like an outsider. My 1st attempt ended in more abuse... I was only 8 and knew I was worthless. I strugged to find my place for my entire life. I am tired of being tired of being. I will do the most good I can before I leave.
  7. John BN

    John BN Member

    I have no friends. I will not give up my implements. I only have problems. Big problems and small ones. I am trying to save someone from themselves becaus so can't save myself.
  8. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    John I understand you have problems as most of us here do yet from having been on here I have realized most of the problems I have are of my own doing because of the depression. It is an illness like no other, it robs you, yet if you fight it you will be able to survive it.
    I understand about the implements yet they are there, move them, give them to someone you trust until the crisis has passed for as long as they are there in my experience it is like they are calling you, don't answer it.
  9. John BN

    John BN Member

    I too Go through the stages of depression. You sometimes win sometimes you lose. Look at Robin Williams. He was awesome people loved him, yet he couldn't win his last battle. I am choosing to not fight. I have fought and fought and fought. All I do is fight. I hate fighting. I am a man of my word. I just was not good enough to die in the military, now I suffer everyday. Even when things feel like they are going good they are not. I fake being happy to make others happy. I don't think I have ever been truly been happy. I am no coward. I will never harm anyone. I fought terrorists in the Middle East. I will not become one. I just want to be forgotten. If I could just vanish without causing harm, I will. A heroes death would have been fitting for me, why did so many of my friends die and I didn't. Scott Goodwin, Alexander LeMarr, Joshua Gross, David Davison, to name a few. They should be here not me. I wish I could have taken their place. They are gone but never forgotten. I should have been better. I would have given everything save them. I couldn't.
  10. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    John I understand the win/lose situation. I understand about the fighting aspect yet my personal belief is I am not going to let the depression win, I will fight it everyday. Some days it will win and other days I will.
    I am sorry about the men/women who lost their lives yet ask yourself would they think you should end it all and should you carry the guilt of having survived. My bet would be they would say no as I would say no.
    I have seen things and experienced guilt about it yet in the end there is a plan for each of us that is already set, deal with the cards you are given and fight on.
  11. John BN

    John BN Member

    Maybe I am completely wrong. Let's take a look at logic.

    Logic says that you should perform the best action for the situation.

    If you are tall, athletic, have great endurance and can handle a basketball, you should play basketball. You are better suited for the sport.

    If you really love computers, understand the languages and can program really cool things. Then that is what you do.

    If you are good at opening locks to houses, cars and vaults, then you should become a locksmith. This way you can use your talents for good. Otherwise, you can choose to be bad and steal things.

    I am in pain, I cannot figure out things, I hurt those I love. I should not be.

    I feel like a cancer of society. And the only thing you do to cure cancer is burn it, poison it and cut it.
  12. John BN

    John BN Member

    I do not believe that there is a plan for everyone. I cannot believe this. The homeless guy on the street is meant to be homeless. The guy that shoots up a place of enjoyment, he was meant to do that and kill all of those people.

    No sir I cannot believe it. I will not put faith into a master plan that has 8+ billion people all having a predetermined plan. I choose to take my own plan. That was the plan if I say it is so. I have free will. If there was a plan for me then I am only following it to completion.
  13. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    John, of course I do not believe that a homeless person want's to be homeless or a crazy man wants to shoot up a place because of a plan, I agree that it is free will yet there is a higher power. I don't necessarily believe in religion yet there are other forces out there that move people in different directions.
    I don't think you are a cancer to society, I think that you are just having a hard time with the situation right now. Take time to look at it, go somewhere to try and sort it out. There were and will be times that I want to give up yet I won't. That is my plan, I will not let it beat me.
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