i dont know what to do

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by nellynobody, Oct 4, 2016.

  1. nellynobody

    nellynobody New Member

    hi anyone who reads this
    im a 21 year old loser. im socially stunted, i have no friends no goals no passions. im constantly depressed both on a personal and a weirdly existential level (like i get so upset at the unfairness of human existence i actually lie down and cry for an hour or two)
    im 6 weeks away from finishing a pretty useless bachelors degree.
    ive never had a job.
    the only things that bring me any amount of satisfaction are music, fictional worlds, and eating i guess.
    i feel like i have nothing to live for. the only person i talk to on a daily (even weekly sometimes) basis is my mum but even then theres always this underlying tension to do with the past so its not really a deep connection, just really i dunno, empty.
    i cant see myself moving past this stupid stage of my life where i just sit at home all the time (aside from doing university). i have no motivations or skills of any sort and my social skills are worse than a toddler's. so i cant see myself getting a job or even getting through the interview like a well adjusted person.
    my father is really traditional and religious so he treats me as a fragile woman who needs to be taken care of by a man. he has, for my entire life, forbidden me from doing anything 'fun' ive wanted to do which is part of the reason for my lack of hobbies and social skills. even now he doesnt allow me to go anywhere but the local shops or uni, unless accompanied by a family member.
    i dont know im just rambling here.
    im sad and lonely and have nothing to live for so i dont know what to do. i am so tired of this and dont see any way out except death. i dont know what you could reply to this but if anyone has any advice for me id really appreciate it.
     
  2. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi Nelly,
    I'm sorry you're having such a bad time. Are you enjoying your studies? Congratulations on nearly finishing your Bachelor's, that's a wonderful accomplishment. Have you considered that maybe it's time you moved out on your own and discovered life without your father babysitting you all the time? That might help to build your confidence? You might struggle for a while, but having your independence is a wonderful thing.
     
  3. School is a great accomplishment , I feel like you're hyping life experience to a third degree. It's nothing exceptional, jobs are frustrating, friends are too. Now a social life is important and I'm not saying it's fun I'm just saying you're not missing out. You're still young, you have a innocent handle on life and you're in a great path. Congratulations on sticking to academics it's very important.


    As for your mum , maybe communication? What do you two talk about? Do you have anything you want to tell her, or hear from her?
     
  4. JustCan'tQuit

    JustCan'tQuit Well-Known Member

    You need to think about steps you can take to get out from under your father's control. That's the key thing that would help.
    Also think about the parts of your identity that do exist. You've identified music and fiction, so we know you like and respond to the arts. That's good. They're expressive and healing. Do you write stories? Poetry?
    You also like eating. Do you enjoy cooking? It's traditional enough that you might be able to get creative about it right under your father's nose.
    You also have an education and the persistence to see it through to the end. That says a lot about you, especially when you're struggling so much. You may think it's useless, but it isn't. It's a very strong foundation for whatever you choose to do next.
    Your predicament is getting you down and leaving you unable to see how to make progress; that's why you feel unmotivated.
    But taking control over your life in ANY way will be a start.
    While you're still at university, can you drop into the counselling centre and set something up for the future (maybe get a referral to a community counsellor)?
    Can you find out about rental housing, even a room of your own? You may feel that's a goal you're not ready for yet, but getting information is a first step.
    Volunteering would be one way to get more comfortable with the world and with other people. You could even try virtual volunteering while you're trying to figure out a spot in the community.
    I felt nearly as cut off from the real world as you did, also because of traditional family structure, and it was intimidating to be in that place.
    But it can be overcome, one way or another.
    You've been stifled, but you're certainly not a loser. A few good experiences could start you on a happier path.
    You're suffering, I think, from learned helplessness (which triggers depression). It means that you've stopped thinking your efforts will make any difference.
    It's therefore really important to show yourself they can.
    Create a table and list a few actions you could take--anything (look up information, make an appointment, or even just make a plan). Then take an action or two. Realize that you made something happen (you found information, you set the appointment, you made the plan). Keep going, and in time you'll start to see you do have some control, even if only little bits.
    If your family is overbearing enough, realize you can still make an effort to think for yourself, in the privacy of your own mind where they can't observe you.
    Anywhere you see that you can take a little bit of control, do so.
    As for social skills, truly, not many people are good at them. Plenty of people are tongue-tied, awkward, whatever. It's not fatal.
    Have courage.
     
    Greying likes this.
  5. SomeGuy77

    SomeGuy77 Member

    Finish your degree, get a job, any job, then move out on your own, far far away from your dad. Live your life however you want to, forget all the rules and boundaries your father set for you, which isn't easy to do as they get in one's psyche. Forget about religion, find yourself, it's there somewhere within you, just search for it.
     
    Thauoy likes this.
  6. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    There's a couple of way to go after your quagmire. From an intellectual viewpoint, if you think you have the social skills of a toddler, you are berating yourself unnecessarily, because you've spent over 20 years picking up social cues. Even if you feel behind socially, there are social norms that you know about and experience now that you didn't years ago. We don't all progress in the same way.

    From a pragmatic viewpoint, you are almost finished with a degree, which is a monumental accomplishment. There are people with bachelor degrees and even graduate degrees from top schools who are unable to reach the same heights or accomplishments in their careers as others, who dropped out or who attended less prestigious schools. Still, education is important and your ability to get through it, regardless of your major, is noteworthy.
     
  7. BarryW

    BarryW Well-Known Member

    I agree wholeheartedly with this suggestion based on what you are saying here. Some people live down the street from their parents or in the same town. I could not do that and it sounds like you should avoid that as well. When I left home I moved two hours away; that worked as a good distance to ensure minimal visits in either direction. Start thinking of what cities you would like to live in, if you haven't already. Then around your last month of school, start applying for jobs in those cities.

    There are many articles online about interview tips, and your university probably has some staff which can help with interview prep. Something else that might really help is to get a friend, classmate, family member to do a mock interview with you. They will ask questions that you might not expect and it's much better to be flustered in this mock interview than the real one. And you can think of good answers in the meantime before you have to go to real interviews. Repeated mock interviews will build your confidence. The key is to make sure you don't know what will be asked ahead of time - although of course there are common interview questions you can prepare for.
     
    SomeGuy77 and Thauoy like this.
  8. nellynobody

    nellynobody New Member

    hi everyone, thanks for taking the time to read my post, and for your suggestions, i really appreciate it.
    i'm going to try and do some of the things you guys suggested. going to go to uni tomorrow and see about counselling and help for finding and getting a job. and i'm going to start looking and thinking about places i could possibly move to in the future.
    also, justcan'tquit, what you said really gave me hope and helped my mindset so thank you for that. i'm really going to start to try and take control over my life wherever i can.
    and thank you again everyone for your replies, they helped me put things in perspective.
     
  9. JustCan'tQuit

    JustCan'tQuit Well-Known Member

    Hi Nelly,
    I'm really glad you're feeling more hopeful and preparing to take those steps!
    BarryW's idea about interview tips and mock interviews is great, too.
    I suspect there's a great deal of progress coming up for you in the next 6-12 months. And you'll be elated.