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I Don't Know What To Do

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#1
My sister <mod edit - method> (she's fine and on her way to A&E). Mum told me, not her. She pretended she was okay. I get it's hard to say but I thought she'd at least ask me if she was struggling.

My mums worried and cancelled her week off for Ali so now she's in a bad place.

I'm self isolating and finding it so difficult.

My dad is still pushing around all the paranoia in my head.

Work is already a lot at uni.

I can't take control of my life, lose weight, keep motivated or busy, no matter what. I'm just fucking useless about it, lazy or forgetful or procrastinating it.

I just don't know what to do anymore. None of these things will change except the self-isolation. I just can't cope with the pain of all of it. If my sister dies I will never be able to see anything through. I can't cope with the pain of her suffering and I can't cope with the pain that I could have lost her again. Everything hurts. I don't know what to do.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#2
I have no money, no friends, no way to escape any of this, no courage to do something about it. And if I get depressed, the only positive in my life - my boyfriend - will end up depressed again, too. Its not easy to deal with me normally, but like this? Impossible.
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#3
Hi @EmB I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this. I wouldn't think too much into her not coming to you when she was suicidal because when you are suicidal you feel like a burden to everyone around you, don't take it was anything against you *hug

I'm glad though that she was found and is okay, maybe talk to her when you can and tell her she can always come to you no matter what. I hope things go smoothly and she recovers swiftly.

As for your weight, you can lose weight, we have a monthly healthy weight loss thread on here on SF, your weight does not have to be permanent.

Self-isolating is difficult, sorry you are going through such a difficult time, we are here for you *hug

You can also make friends, reach out to those locally to you and see what becomes of it, I know making friends is hard but not impossible.

Wish you the best.
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#5
I agree with @Champagne , and am so sorry to hear of your Sister. If your Mum she should be fine - then hopefully she can get the help she needs at the hospital. As well as some ongoing psychiatric & psychological help for the near & foreseeable future. I realize that she has likely already tried this. And as you know, the best and only real advice is to try again in the hopes that she can and will find something that works. . .
You can’t fault your own issues for, or with your boyfriend s. It’s his responsibility too, and you are just one part of that recipe. In other words, if he’s that susceptible to falling into a depression than he’s likely to just come across something else — in your absence—(to replace it with).
Maybe you could take a mental health day or two from work at uni? If you don’t want to tell them about it, just say it’s a family emergency (it is)...
Just try your best to do something to get out of your own head. Go do something physical or activity related to take your mind off things for a minute. Might help you to sleep, and wake up somewhat refreshed—
Your sister probably didn’t want you to know because she didn’t want you to do anything about it. But all you can do now is offer her support and time (what you can within reason spare).
may be take a minute from talking to your dad too if he’s causing you such destructive cognitive ly??
youll
Be ok 👌 you’re greAt 👍! I think 🤔 you’re unbelievable and have a wonderful future in front of you filled with brightness ~~~ : )
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#7
I will reply properly soon, I'm sorry, I don't have the mindset to do so, but thank you all for caring, it means a lot.
Only reply when you feel up to it, we'll still be here for you then, thinking of you 🎗 You don't have to apologise, I'm sorry you're going through all of this but you're not alone by any means *hug
 
#8
Sorry that this is happening Em

I know it's easier said than done, but it may be better for her and you if you can learn to accept that there is a limit to what you can do for Ali, and that it's possible that she may kill herself one day.

The severe emotional stress that Ali's attempts are putting you through is undermining not only your own well being, but also your ability to help her. If you can clear the worry and stress away, you'll be able to think more clearly and have a greater capacity to act.

Ali is going to suffer whether you worry about it or not. Worrying and getting stressed changes nothing. Acceptance is a piece of armor that all those who wish to do good in the world must wear in order to be most effective.

Hugs
 
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KM76710

KM stands for Kangaroo Manager
SF Supporter
#9
I agree, that as long as you need and reply as you feel comfortable, you have all the time in the world, it is a marathon not a sprint to reach out here.
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#10
Hi @EmB I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this. I wouldn't think too much into her not coming to you when she was suicidal because when you are suicidal you feel like a burden to everyone around you, don't take it was anything against you *hug

I'm glad though that she was found and is okay, maybe talk to her when you can and tell her she can always come to you no matter what. I hope things go smoothly and she recovers swiftly.

As for your weight, you can lose weight, we have a monthly healthy weight loss thread on here on SF, your weight does not have to be permanent.

Self-isolating is difficult, sorry you are going through such a difficult time, we are here for you *hug

You can also make friends, reach out to those locally to you and see what becomes of it, I know making friends is hard but not impossible.

Wish you the best.
Thank you for this. You're right, her telling me isn't a "me" issue, it's just a thing. I don't like to take part in groups for weight loss as I just get super ashamed of myself when I fail, I feel myself constantly comparing to others and hating myself, and I just get super down on myself. But I appreciate the offer. I think my boyfriend is going to start with me and we are going to try and lose a bit of weight together.

Yes, you can. Those are the only things that you have control over.
You're right. Failing is a part of doing it but when I get down, all I see is that I can't do it. Its hard to recognise it as something that's not gonna fix itself easily but I will keep trying, that's all I can do.

I agree with @Champagne , and am so sorry to hear of your Sister. If your Mum she should be fine - then hopefully she can get the help she needs at the hospital. As well as some ongoing psychiatric & psychological help for the near & foreseeable future. I realize that she has likely already tried this. And as you know, the best and only real advice is to try again in the hopes that she can and will find something that works. . .
You can’t fault your own issues for, or with your boyfriend s. It’s his responsibility too, and you are just one part of that recipe. In other words, if he’s that susceptible to falling into a depression than he’s likely to just come across something else — in your absence—(to replace it with).
Maybe you could take a mental health day or two from work at uni? If you don’t want to tell them about it, just say it’s a family emergency (it is)...
Just try your best to do something to get out of your own head. Go do something physical or activity related to take your mind off things for a minute. Might help you to sleep, and wake up somewhat refreshed—
Your sister probably didn’t want you to know because she didn’t want you to do anything about it. But all you can do now is offer her support and time (what you can within reason spare).
may be take a minute from talking to your dad too if he’s causing you such destructive cognitive ly??
youll
Be ok 👌 you’re greAt 👍! I think 🤔 you’re unbelievable and have a wonderful future in front of you filled with brightness ~~~ : )
Thank you. Firstly, I think my sister is back in touch with her old care team back home who are making things easier for her. I hope they'll put proper provisions in place and not leave it down to the uni, because they were incredibly useless.

My boyfriend is not as susceptible as I make him out to be. Most of the time, he's still smiling when I'm being grumpy with him. He pulls me out of a lot of it. I just worry so much - I think a part of me is so scared of being too much, I just assume it's already happening and expect him to bail, then I've set up my expectations and I won't be as sad. I also think I tend to berate myself due to past comments. I see this now but in hard times, it's difficult to see that it's not true.

The issue with my dad is more that I'm afraid he may turn up than I'm in contact with him, but I'm trying to tell myself he won't. I still get so anxious when I go out, but at least I go out. I don't tell my boyfriend this (though he believes it used to happen when this issue was more recent) and I don't know whether I should? Anyone is welcome to input on this. I don't want him to worry more than he needs to, I'm unsure if it's necessary to tell him every thing going on in my head if he can't do anything about it as well, I don't act differently. I'm unsure anyway. Rambling, sorry!

Sorry that this is happening Em

I know it's easier said than done, but it may be better for her and you if you can learn to accept that there is a limit to what you can do for Ali, and that it's possible that she may kill herself one day.

The severe emotional stress that Ali's attempts are putting you through is undermining not only your own well being, but also your ability to help her. If you can clear the worry and stress away, you'll be able to think more clearly and have a greater capacity to act.

Ali is going to suffer whether you worry about it or not. Worrying and getting stressed changes nothing. Acceptance is a piece of armor that all those who wish to do good in the world must wear in order to be most effective.

Hugs
I'm not sure how to do this? There's so much emotion - I mean, she's my favourite person in the world, before anyone else - and so I don't know what steps I would take to come to accept that. Don't get me wrong - you're definitely right - but I don't know how to start. Do you have advice on how?

Thank you for everyone's kind words and advice. I appreciate it, it's easier to see things from outside, I just don't know how to snap out of it when things get bad. My whole world just turns black, you know? I have a counselling appointment soon that ill bring these things up in. Thanks for the support and kindness, it is really, really appreciated, especially in such lonely times.

Sending hugs

Em
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#11
Thank you for this. You're right, her telling me isn't a "me" issue, it's just a thing. I don't like to take part in groups for weight loss as I just get super ashamed of myself when I fail, I feel myself constantly comparing to others and hating myself, and I just get super down on myself. But I appreciate the offer. I think my boyfriend is going to start with me and we are going to try and lose a bit of weight together.



You're right. Failing is a part of doing it but when I get down, all I see is that I can't do it. Its hard to recognise it as something that's not gonna fix itself easily but I will keep trying, that's all I can do.



Thank you. Firstly, I think my sister is back in touch with her old care team back home who are making things easier for her. I hope they'll put proper provisions in place and not leave it down to the uni, because they were incredibly useless.

My boyfriend is not as susceptible as I make him out to be. Most of the time, he's still smiling when I'm being grumpy with him. He pulls me out of a lot of it. I just worry so much - I think a part of me is so scared of being too much, I just assume it's already happening and expect him to bail, then I've set up my expectations and I won't be as sad. I also think I tend to berate myself due to past comments. I see this now but in hard times, it's difficult to see that it's not true.

The issue with my dad is more that I'm afraid he may turn up than I'm in contact with him, but I'm trying to tell myself he won't. I still get so anxious when I go out, but at least I go out. I don't tell my boyfriend this (though he believes it used to happen when this issue was more recent) and I don't know whether I should? Anyone is welcome to input on this. I don't want him to worry more than he needs to, I'm unsure if it's necessary to tell him every thing going on in my head if he can't do anything about it as well, I don't act differently. I'm unsure anyway. Rambling, sorry!



I'm not sure how to do this? There's so much emotion - I mean, she's my favourite person in the world, before anyone else - and so I don't know what steps I would take to come to accept that. Don't get me wrong - you're definitely right - but I don't know how to start. Do you have advice on how?

Thank you for everyone's kind words and advice. I appreciate it, it's easier to see things from outside, I just don't know how to snap out of it when things get bad. My whole world just turns black, you know? I have a counselling appointment soon that ill bring these things up in. Thanks for the support and kindness, it is really, really appreciated, especially in such lonely times.

Sending hugs

Em
First! Glad to hear of your “Sis!” And yes, I think you are spot on in your assessment of her— 👍 let’s keep fingers crossed 🤞... :)
I don’t know if it’s your depression talking or something else, when it comes to the issues stemming from these seemingly insecure feelings you have in regards your worth to him. This to me seems like a great distortion you have when viewing yourself through your own lens, and not his own, or a more or objective one. In other words, it’s like you say, it can become something of a “self-fulfilling prophecy,” for you to chase him off. Unless he’s told you these things directly, I would not look to manifest or manufacture them in my head. (Easier said than done, I know!) . . ; )
And no, you don’t have to tell him every little thing that pops into your head- would you like to know every thing that he is thinking at all times? I doubt anybody wood be to-get her on planet earth, if that were the case! :D
I just think you need to use some careful consideration in picking and choosing what you feel is appropriate and necessary to disclose. You don’t owe him an invite into your every waking issue, no matter how pressing. And at a certain point it may present a problem. Not saying that it will... :^)
Ah, thanks for clearing up the Dad, topic- I think that, that is something that is best addressed by a therapist (or someone who is trained in this sort of trauma, etc.). And when you say fear of leaving the house, is it becaus you think he’s going to suddenly be there? Or is it more a general state of anxiety, socially or otherwise (more akin to “agoraphobia?”). Has your Father given you any reason that he might suddenly pop up or in to your life? Or is this just something that is now boiling to the surface, after years of stuffing, conscious ly - or “un?” & you don’t have to answer any of these of course - just thinking out l oud in hopes something (maybe 1 or 2 out of 10 things...) might help! :D
 
#12
I'm not sure how to do this? There's so much emotion - I mean, she's my favourite person in the world, before anyone else - and so I don't know what steps I would take to come to accept that. Don't get me wrong - you're definitely right - but I don't know how to start. Do you have advice on how?
That's a good question. Your therapist might have some advice about that, particularly if you ask to make acceptance one of your goals for therapy.

There was a time that I got very discouraged about posting on SF. I didn't seem to be doing much good. Sometimes I seemed to be making things worse. And there were so many people who wanted to die, it became hard for me to face. So I'd only post on SF once every few months.

One day the thought just came to me, I should go back and post on SF. I realized that maybe sometimes I might say the wrong thing and make things worse, but on balance I was probably helping. I realized that all the people that wanted to die were also still there whether I posted on SF or not.

So for me acceptance came as an epiphany. I'm not sure that's something that one can cultivate, but for the record, I was doing a meditation practice at the time.

Maybe if you can focus on the realization that the more you can accept, the better of Ali and you both will be, and keep reminding yourself of that, it will help you to get there.

Sending massive hugs
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#13
That's a good question. Your therapist might have some advice about that, particularly if you ask to make acceptance one of your goals for therapy.

There was a time that I got very discouraged about posting on SF. I didn't seem to be doing much good. Sometimes I seemed to be making things worse. And there were so many people who wanted to die, it became hard for me to face. So I'd only post on SF once every few months.

One day the thought just came to me, I should go back and post on SF. I realized that maybe sometimes I might say the wrong thing and make things worse, but on balance I was probably helping. I realized that all the people that wanted to die were also still there whether I posted on SF or not.

So for me acceptance came as an epiphany. I'm not sure that's something that one can cultivate, but for the record, I was doing a meditation practice at the time.

Maybe if you can focus on the realization that the more you can accept, the better of Ali and you both will be, and keep reminding yourself of that, it will help you to get there.

Sending massive hugs
We do appreciate you!!! :^)
 

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