I dont know what to do...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Tara, May 18, 2007.

  1. Tara

    Tara Guest

    Right now im sitting here crying my eyes out, for no apparant reason.

    Ive been suffering from depression for years, but have only been diagnosed for near enough 2 years.
    I was in college (or high school what ever u call it) i did my a/s levels and passed with quite good marks.
    when i got diagnosed the doctor agreed that i should take the year out and go back the next year, hopefully feeling better.

    But my friends practically disowned me, its been 2 years and i hardly see any of them, they dont fone or text or email me. Ive been left to myself. im all alone.

    There was so much shit in my childhood, that i dont want to get into. and now all my friends have left me.
    im not a bad person. why does everyone leave me?

    i got a new job, made a great friend and out of the blue she starts posting things on the internet telling me to go kill myself (she knew most of my reasons for being depressed). I went back to college with her, and after she started all the shit i couldnt sleep or do anything for 3 weeks and i got so behind that i had to take this year off too.

    I wont get into the nasty things she said.

    So shes left me too.

    I dont think i can go back to college this sept. i dont think i can cope. i cant even be depressed and just lay around without my mum shouting at me. I keep trying to get another job cause the one i got is only on weekends (it went around my school hours) but no1 will give me one, and i dont know why, i have expeirence and qualifications, but it doesnt seem to be any help.

    Ive thought so many times of killing myself, cause i cant see another way out of this hell. But im too much of a wimp to do anything. i cant evn fkn kill myself! how am i supposed to succeed in being anything else.
    Things that make me stop are my family (mostly cause theres been a lot of suicides here lately and they say how selfish they are) im not selfish, im not. i just cant cope. i cant take it any more. i dont know what to do.

    I cant get a job, i cant just sit around the house. i cant do nothing.

    Im just a fat ugly piece of sh** that no one wants. or cares about.

    AND she was right, im never going to be a lawyer. never.

    Ive wanted it for sooo soo long, and i cant do it. I dont think i can go back to college, i cant cope with university. i cant cope with life.

    I know im going feel a right prat and feel even worse about myself for even posting this.
    I bet it doesnt even make sense.
  2. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Hello Tara, it's nice to meet you :arms:.

    I can empathise with so much of what you've said. I am 18 and about to take my A2 exams, but I haven't attended school since last November because I just couldn't handle it anymore. Whilst I am taking my exams over the next few weeks, I know I'm going to screw them up, though beforehand I was a straight A student. I've already arranged to have the opportunity to re-take things in January.

    The few friends that I have in real life at the moment (most didn't bother trying to keep in touch when I stopped going to school) are going away to university in September, and then I'm sure they won't be bothered with me anymore. So I'm basically gonna be alone, expect for my mum (who is no help).

    I know how it feels to feel worthless and pathetic and lonely. I'm just telling you all this to show you that you are not alone :smile:. I hope you don't think I'm trying to hijack.

    I'm sure you are right when you say that you are not a bad person, that you are not selfish. You need to hold on to those thoughts, the knowledge that you are a good person with a bright, happy future ahead of her.

    You say that you have been diagnosed and that the doctor advised you to take a year out, but what other help have you been offered? Have you had or are you having any therapy/counselling or any medication for the depression?

    I know you say you'd rather not talk about the negative experiences you had as a child, and the things that your 'friend' posted about you online :)mad: I'm so sorry someone did that to you :sad:), but maybe it would help to get some of it out?

    Sorry that this post isn't that helpful. But I'm sure other people will come in and post and fill in the bits that I forgot. If I can be of any help at all then feel free to PM me or just let me know here.

    Take care,

    ~Nobody~ x
  3. Tara

    Tara Guest

    thank you so much. Youve gone through (or about to) what i have. Im a year older. What youve said makes so much sense. my friends have all gone off to uni all over the uk. some are still in college but they dont seem to care. its like ur not in school so why should i care, like out of mind, out of matter kinda thing.
    they just dont understand. and having them there would help soo much. when i made friends with the other girl i was so happy, i had my down days but not many. she knew all about me so she knew exactly where it hurt. she knew my insecurities and sploited them. it makes u not want to trust anyone again!

    Ive been on citalopram (anti d's) since oct 05. First doc i saw was no help cause he said i was "in a rut" and put me on 10mg. but after seeing a different one (who was a lady...so easier to talk to, for me!) she put me up to 20 then 30 then 40! i was getting better and went down to 30 but that "friend" made me worse and ive gone back to 40mg.

    i had councelling. went to one session and i was pouring my heart out. they then sent out social services to my house (i live with mum and siblings...all things happened due to her ex husband (not my dad) whos not been in touch for 7 odd years!) so that made me feel bad, my mums not a bad mum, sure she gets on my nerves and uses my kindness to get her own way sometimes (like making me babysit every night on the weekend!) but shes noway a bad mother.
    And she doesnt help, she tells the doctors "its cause shes overweight, blah blah blah" and yeah it contributes to why i feel crap but its not the complete and utter reason why im depressed!

    Doesnt help either when my brother (18) who went through the same stuff as me, says it didnt happen, some things happened to him but not me! when i know, i remember things! i dont like being made out to be a liar.
    and he calls me an attention seeker cause of it! but mum knows im not.

    Im currently waiting to see a psyciatrist (sp?) in a different hospital. so maybe that will be of more help

    how do u manage?
    Last edited: May 18, 2007
  4. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that the counselling didn't go so well. But I'm glad that you have some meds at least. Now that you are over 18 they won't call social services if you say your mum isn't so great, so maybe you could give it another try? Is that what the meeting with the psych at the hospital is for? I have a feeling that talking about stuff might really help you, if it's someone you trust.

    I know how you feel about your old friends not understanding. I rarely feel like anyone understands me, especially in real life. This site is great though, it's a real lifeline (for me, at any rate). So I'm glad you found us :arms:. It makes me very angry that your "friend" let you down so horribly. It's such a horrible feeling when someone betrays your trust, especially for people like us :hug:.

    Sorry your brother denies the truth about what happened to you :sad:. I know how it feels not to be believed. You say your mum knows the truth though, is she good about it or does she deal with it badly?

    Good question. Umm... I'm not entirely sure. I am on anti-depressant meds (Mirtazapine) and they help me sleep but they haven't lifted my mood at all. I go to counselling but I don't get on with my therapist at all, and I want to quit, but I'm scared of ending up with no support at all. I guess the main ways I manage are not healthy - I drink too much, and I self harm. The good ways are writing in my journal, talking on SF, trying to keep my mind occupied with funny films and stand up comedy, listening to music... I have PTSD so I am pretty scared to go outside but if I wasn't then I would get out on my bike or something, especially now the weather's nicer. It really helps to be outside in the sun, apparently.

    If you ever want to talk to someone, whether it's just to chat or to talk about all that horrible stuff that happened to you, know that I am here, okay? :arms:

    ~Nobody~ x
  5. Tara

    Tara Guest

    thank you so much, you dont know what it means to me to have someone who takes the time to care, well u probably do lol.

    I was over 18 at that time anyway. they sent them because my siblings are younger (11-18 now...so take a year off lol).
    I love my mum and would die for her, but she just doesnt understand me, she thinks that cause she was depressed before she knows how i feel...but theres all kinds of depressions and all different reasons for it! no-one fully understands what youve gone through, how can they?!

    Im glad i found ya'll too :D

    Yeah hmm my mum knows but we never talk about it. i dont think she knows it bothers me (that sounds weird) but she thinks the only reason why im depressed is cause of my weight but thats only like 20% of the reason why!

    I hate being out alone. i get shouted at for not doing enough exercise or what ever, but im scared to do it alone, it sounds sad but i cant go out on my own, i hate it. its bad enough walking to work in the morning on a saturday! i get really anxious, and it doesnt help when you are petrified of dogs, one could come along at any time!!

    Im sorry to hear about the bad things but its good that you do positive things to help you too. Im too afraid to write in a diary incase someone finds it but i sometimes use livejournal on the internet. its a good place to vent.

    thank you for being here for me. *cwtches!*
  6. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean about being out alone. I can't stand it (though I'm not scared of dogs! - I thought you had one? :unsure:)

    You're very welcome for the support, never hesitate to ask :hug:.

    *cwtches* ! :tongue:

    x x x
  7. Tara

    Tara Guest

    rofl yes i do have one. yes it sounds mad. ive been terrifed since i was 4/5.

    My mate got a pup and she was the tiniest thing and i fell in love (she was a yorkie) and nagged my mum to let me get one. though i have a border terrier x king charles...hes like 10 times the size of Bambi (the yorkie) lol. hes a small dog but not what i was first looking at!
    i got him in february this year. And its made a world of difference to me. I feel happier just having him around. Hes made me less scared of dogs (when im with people...when im on my own im still terrified) Also cause he needs a daily walk its helping me get out of the house, if it were up to me, id never leave. honestly.
    so its a good thing =D hopefully my fear will go when im alone too, and then i just have to get over my aniexty (sp?!) of feeling that everyone is staring and talking about me and stuff, or that something bad is going to happen!

    Thank you, and same to you. *cwtches* :D