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I don't know what to do.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by CH4R73Y, Mar 6, 2008.

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  1. CH4R73Y

    CH4R73Y New Member

    This is going to be a very long story, a very long story and I'd understand if nobody replied to me.
    The only way to explain why I'm here would be to tell you about my life.

    I'm the youngest out of three children. I'm a girl by the way.
    I was pretty much born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I never went without, my family, well we were well off. But it wasn't perfect, I mean what family is?

    One of my brothers is severely mentally and physically handicapped. When I was younger it was hell, he'd always put his head through windows or throw chairs, you could never control him, that's why ever since he was 11 he's been a special boarding school. I remember one time he got so upset that he put his head through the shed window, when he brought it back out he cut his neck badly, whenever he used to do this - bash his head into a window -he's have a seizure. This time was different, I had to put pressure on the wound whilst my dad rang an ambulance and then he started fitting, I can remember the blood being everywhere and I didn't know what to do, he's was kicking and wrenching and I couldn't keep control. I just remember being so scared. He lived, he's fine now but I'll never forgot it.

    My mum had diabetes, if she didn't eat in time then she'd got hypo/hyper. When that happened she'd become a different person, a completely different person, you'd have to force feed her if necessary and if you didn't she slip into a coma and die. One of the earliest memories I have is of being scared to go to sleep in case I had no mum in the morning. Sometimes I'd wake up and find paramedics rushing up the stairs.
    I had a best friend though, Rob his name was, he lived next door, he was funny, we used to watch films, walk his dog, climb the apple tree in his back garden. One day I brought round a new cd, he took it from me and told me to get on the bed, I thought we were laying a game, it was a game to him I guess, but not to me. He raped me, he did it on several different occasions, being 9 or 10 at the time (he was 11) I didn't understand it, I just knew that he was doing something wrong but was allowed to tell.

    When I was 12 I discovered my passion for acting and dancing, I joined clubs, performed on stage and the such like. That was around the same time that my mum told me that she had cancer. She had found a lump in her breast and went to have it taken out and sent to be examined. It wasn't exactly what you'd call good news, it was the most aggressive form there was, she never did things by halves. She had it removed though, the whole breast and then she had a reconstruction, it didn't work, turned gangrene and so she gave up, said that she'd just have "a fake boob". She always used to make me laugh. Anyway, she got rid of it and it was like everything was back to normal, I'd chosen dance and drama to do for my gcse's (exams you take at 16 years of age). But in year 10 (15 years old) we went on holiday, me, my mum and my dad. We went to Madrid, but we spent the entire time looking after her, she kept going hypo/hyper. And she was having these terrible headaches, it was actually a relief to get home. She went to the doctors and they just said that she was stressed and she needed a holiday, but she'd just been on one so she went to another doctor and they gave her a head scan.
    They found a tennis ball sized tumour attached to her brain and her skull. So she wasn't stressed, the cancer had come back. I remember that November as being one of the worst of my life. That Christmas, I didn't want any presents just my mum. But she wasn't there anymore, she'd had an operation and her personality had vanished. She was my best friend in the entire world, i loved her with everything I had but come "Good Friday" she had around 50 fits in one night. It knocked out her ability to swallow and do basic tasks. She couldn't eat food and a diabetic not being able to eat food isn't good, neither is not being able to swallow tablets that she needed. So naturally she died. June 15th she was gone, it's not like the movies, it's not glamorous and there's not a lot of people there helping you. It was just her and me in her hospital room, with me holding her hand and that was it, she was gone.

    Me and my dad it's easy to say never got on, and since she died it's been worse. He seemed to be move on straight away yet he would still cry on me, he'd see his women and then he'd poor his emotions into me so not only was I dealing with my grief but his as well. Needless to say I wished he'd died and not my mum, I know now that it's a horrible thing to think but I can't help it.
    I got good grades in my gcse's and my a-levels (18 year old exams). I dated a guy, Sam, for two years but I never loved him, just wanted something stable in my life, but when I came to uni we were over. When I came to uni I met Ben, he's made my life and he's already told me that as soon as I've finished he wants me to marry him. I've never been so true in all my life. Everything is perfect. And that's the problem. Nothing has ever been perfect in my life, if one thing doesn't go wrong then another will. Last Sunday it was Mothering Sunday, 3 years on and it still makes me cry. That was also the day that my dad told me over the phone that he was getting married. I was fine with him, told him I was happy, even asked him how he popped the question but once I hung up I cried, cried for about an hour.

    Right now I'm in halls, this is where I've been since Monday. Ben (and Pete, Oli and Paul - my best mates in uni, all older than me, Paul and Ben are in their final year but Oli and Pete are in their second and I'm moving in with them next year) have been off karting and they only just got back today. Halls are horrid, they're so depressing there is nobody to talk to and it's just the same four walls. I hate it here. Tomorrow I'll see my boys but right now all I can think of is stopping it, I would never kill myself, I wanted to when my mum first died, but I'd never do it. I just miss her so much and I don't want to deal with any of it anymore. I don't want to hate my dad, or worry about my brother, I don't want to miss her anymore, I know it's all apart of being human but if this is all there is, if all it is is pain then maybe I don't want to be human anymore.

    Anyway, that's the story.
  2. nedflanders

    nedflanders Well-Known Member

    Errum, maybe I'm missing something, but by the standards of this place, you don't sound so bad off.
  3. Joshuwah

    Joshuwah Well-Known Member

    Agreed, nasty history :hug:

    But theres people far worse off floating around
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    ned, please tell me that's some kind of joke? being raped as a kid... grieving your mother's death... how are these "not so bad"....

    i lost my mother 18 months ago, in very different circumstances, but i am still grieving. it is a truly sad and distressing experience.

    i am so sorry for your loss. i'm glad you are hanging on and determined to not kill yourself, but still sad to read how low you are feeling. what kind of supports, other than your mates, do you have? counselling can really help with grief and recovery.

    here's hoping you find some support here,

  5. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Wow..You seem to have had a really rough life..I don't really have any words for you..I don't think words will help, anyway, but if you ever need an ear, or eye in this case, feel free to PM me. :hug:
  6. Carcinogen

    Carcinogen Well-Known Member

    Maybe it's just me, but I was under the impression that it wasn't about how serious the problem is, but the fact it's causing pain to someone, and making them suffer. I didn't think it was a contest. Plus their problems seem pretty severe, more so than something like being grounded which someone in essence complained about.

    I hope you find the support you need here.
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Ch4r73y. I'm so sorry for all the awful things that have happened in your life. Losing your mom to cancer must have been really hard. It sounds like she was suffering really badly when she died. It must have been hard seeing her in so much pain. I'm also sorry that your best friend Rob raped you when you were young. He was only 1 year older than you. The world is pretty messed up when you have 11 year old rapists. But it sounds like things are getting better for you. I hope that nothing goes wrong to spoil your happiness. :hug:
  8. Joshuwah

    Joshuwah Well-Known Member

    Okay I was in an arsey mood last night, maybe I shouldn't have posted

    ....... Sorry

    BOLIAO Guest

    I'm going to feel the same pain as you soon. My mum was just diagnosed with colon cancer today.
  10. Surviving

    Surviving Well-Known Member

    I have lost both my parents while I was in my teens, but under different circumstances. I know the pain that you feel; just try to keep positive and think to the future when it won't hurt so much. It will get better in time and I think you have the right attitude to see it through to better days.

    Have you talked to your dad about how he is effecting you? The most important thing is you and you have to always remember that. You are suffering too, and while I know it is tough, you can't let your dad dump on you just to clear his conscience. It's not fair to you and hopefully if you explain it to him he can see that. Remember always that you have to take care of you first...
  11. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    I couldnt agree more with that statement. I was going to get angry about the 2nd post, but i think that says everything i wanted to.

    Im so sorry to hear about all your problems CH4R73Y, you have had such a hard time of things. I think you are very very strong to have coped so long. Ignore the first poster, and feel free to post her anytime.

    If you ever want to chat, PM me xxx
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