I Don't Know What To Do

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by wendolynmarie, Aug 17, 2009.

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  1. wendolynmarie

    wendolynmarie Active Member

    My friend (ex boyfriend) started cutting today. I told him I didn't want to get back together with him. So he sliced himself open. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help him. I can't stand to see him in this pain.
     
  2. lifeisashedog

    lifeisashedog Well-Known Member

    hm, messy situation :(
    Well, why don't you go to coffee house subforum and play some social games until some older members wake up. They are good at giving advices and emotiomal support :hug:
     
  3. lifeisashedog

    lifeisashedog Well-Known Member

    Or join the chat.
     
  4. wendolynmarie

    wendolynmarie Active Member

    Thanks. I just want to know how to help him.
     
  5. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    Is this the first time he's cut? Self-injury can become pretty addicting, I would suggest he finds a good therapist to help him through it if this continues.

    This is a sticky situation... On the one hand, I think it's easiest for someone to heal from a breakup when there's space between the two people for awhile - maybe even no communication at all. In my experience this has always worked best... I struggle with self-injury, and when my ex broke it off with me I definitely had quite a relapse, but it was taking space from him that allowed me to move on.

    On the other hand, I understand you still care for him and want to help. You will know best whether you should be there for him or let him get over this without you. If you decide to try to help him, the best you can do is be a good friend... listen, empathize with his pain, but be firm about the romantic relationship being over. A best friend is worth a lot - besides, best friends can easily last forever - most romantic relationships do not.
     
  6. wendolynmarie

    wendolynmarie Active Member

    He told me that he did cut but it was years ago. I have cut for a long time and I don't want him to get back into the habit. I don't know what to do. He sent me a text that said, 'I can't... I can't do it anymore. I don't have it in me to finish this story... I'm sorry.' So obviously I freaked out. I called him about 10 times and he didn't pick up so I asked my friend to call him. Finally I sent him a text saying that if he didn't answer the next call I was going to send the cops to his house. He finally sent me a text back. He said that he was going to sleep but I'm really freaked out now. I don't know what to do or how to help him.
     
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Wendolyn you have to be the strong one here because right now he obviously cant. I can understand how you want to help but also need some space. Instead of being there physically, show him that you do care about his well being by offer help. Help by finding websites about SH or SI and email him the links. Get the phone numbers of support groups for people dealing with depression and SH. Text them to him. And add the message I hope this information can be useful to you. Or I'm only trying to help by sending you this. Bombard him with the resource information. When and if you do have contact either in person or by phone etc., ask him if he got your email or text. Ask him if it seems like something he could do. But dont let yourself get pulled into being his "only" treatment. It isnt fair to you or him. He needs to be able to see that he is responsible for getting the help he needs to and he is the one that has to make the changes. Not you hun. I think if you try this he should get the message that you still care but you cant get emotionally or physically involved in that part of his life again. Good luck!
     
  8. wendolynmarie

    wendolynmarie Active Member

    Thank you very much. All those sound like good ideas. Hopefully they work.
     
  9. Rose24

    Rose24 Chat & Forum Buddy

    Look this is going to sound horrible, but the best thing you can do is leave him be. Support him, but from afar. Don’t let him manipulate you into getting back together with you; if you’re not happy with him then this isn’t going to healthy in the long run. I should know, I did this to my ex for about half year before I finally gave up. He must be very attached to you; he needs to learn to become more independent of you. If you give him too much support now he won’t move on and then when the support from your half fades away he’ll be a mess again.

    I hope, that you and he both stay safe,

    Rose
     
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Blackmail is not a good thing he is using his pain to manipulate you. I agree stay physically clear of him and if your concerned tell someone else so they can go talk to him Give him crisis number to call and then leave it at that. take care.
     
  11. wendolynmarie

    wendolynmarie Active Member

    Thank you. I'm really worried. I don't know what he's planning to do.
     
  12. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    But that's just it hun. What HE is planning. You arent responsible for what he may be planning. And I think if you keep "playing" his game, you will feel like you are. You can chose to help like I said earlier. You can chose to walk away for both of your sakes. Or you can go back. But doing that he will never get better. And the SH and even attempts will get worse and drag you in so far. Please understand that you are not responsible for whatever he ultimately decides. Good luck!!
     
  13. wendolynmarie

    wendolynmarie Active Member

    I know. But I feel responsible for this. He got like this after I told him I didn't want to get back into a relationship with him. If I hadn't said that he would be okay and happy. I'm afraid that he will do something really bad because I did that.
     
  14. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    And the other side of the coin, if you stay in a relationship that is just there to make one happy and not the other, then where will you be in the future. Maybe feeling like SHing and suicidal yourself. It's a trap that will have you wanting to gnaw your leg off to be free. He cut years before this and will again. Not because you dont want a relationship. Because he does. He feels suicidal because you are opting out. If you stay what might happen that he doesnt feel that away again. It is manupulation hun. That isnt true love. You are filling a need for him. Maybe love yes but not real love. He needs to love himself before he can expect you to truly love him. Wouldnt it be so much nicer to be able to love him because you can not because you have to? Explain it that way to him. If you can and want to still be friends tell him. And who knows if things get better in his life that too might change. But until then you need to be strong for yourself and your best interests.
     
  15. wendolynmarie

    wendolynmarie Active Member

    He was always there to help me when I felt suicidal. I just want to be there for him.
     
  16. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I can understand that hun. But you arent helping each other if the relationship isnt based on honesty and guenuine care and love for each other. And at this point it isnt. You had you're reasons for ending it before this happened. Please remember those now. No one is saying you cant support him through this. But that does not mean that you have to return to a relationship that you dont see a future in. Beside, you stay he gets past this. Then do you say you want out again? It will be a vicious cycle. That is almost a dependency sweetie, not a relationship. Please help in anyway you can but dont believe that you are the only thing that will "save" him. There are professionals that he should be seeing for that kind of help and seeing you for the support a friend can offer.
     
  17. wendolynmarie

    wendolynmarie Active Member

    You're right. But I still have this huge feeling of guilt with me. It's so difficult.
     
  18. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I hope that you dont think I'm trivializng your guilt. It is probably overwhelming you right now. But you havent deserted him sweetie. It's not like you said, oh my God, he's cutting so I'm out of here." You came here looking for advice and answers on how to help him. No where in this thread did you say I need help in this for me. It has all been for him. How can you let yourself feel guilty when you are trying so hard to help him. You arent walking away from him only the relationship. You two can still be firends as long as he doesnt try to use that hold you into something you are not comfortable in. I hope one day soon he realizes what a special friend you really are. And that you can see that too!!!
     
  19. wendolynmarie

    wendolynmarie Active Member

    Thank you. He's sent me a message saying he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. He said his pain could have been avoided if I hadn't told him that. It's really all my fault.
     
  20. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Ergh!! Let me talk to him. This is not your fault. And how could a person that is supposed to love you try and make you think it is? I'm not going to get into a lot of detail but I'm talking from many years of expereince hun. I married my high school sweetheart. At the time though I didnt realize it was a one sided relationship. He used the same tactics that you're friend is using now. He made me feel sorry for him. Made me feel responsible for so many bad things in his life. He made me want to stay and see if I couldnt fix those things for him. I left him after 4 kids, and almost 20 years of physical, emotional, sexual and mind games abuse. And you know what? He didnt change one bit. Now he is a almost 50 year old man that is even more bitter and pained.
    You didnt take the blade to his skin hun. You didnt cause his lack of self esteem. You didnt make him dependent on others for his happiness or sadness. And he refuses to see that you are only trying to help him now. Now when you have already said that the relationship side of your life is over. You who could of walked away. You who came here looking for advice on how to help him through this. You who are trying to handle your own emotions, thoughts and pain over all this. You did nothing wrong. I think it is time you made some distance between you and him. Dont answer his texts or emails or phone calls unless it sounds like he is being positive. And before you do that send him an email telling him that is what you intend to do. Tell him when he is ready for the help you have to offer, to let you know. If you let him have all the power in this situation you will end up very unhappy sweetie. And if my words today can help you to see that then my pain was not wasted. I do not want to see you dragged into a relationship like that. You need to be strong for you right now. He needs to find his own strength or he never will. And that is not a good formula for any type of relationship even friendship hun. Please stand up to his bullying tactics now. Who knows maybe even just the shock of seeing you not folding into his demands and threats will make him realize what is really going on right now.
     
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