I don't know what to do.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Anthony, Sep 22, 2009.

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  1. Anthony

    Anthony Active Member

    I was diagnosed with depression, and anxiety. Problem being I can't afford the medicine, so I found a mental health clinic, that works off of your income. I can get the medicine for 4 dollars a month, and a therapist for 10 dollars a session. But in order to get that, I have to have proof of my mom's income, since I live with her. My dad can't work, and I can't get a job because of how bad everything is right now, and has been for the last couple of months. I am in so much emotional suffering, it literally physically starts to hurt me, and feels like I'm having a heart attack, and I can't even get up, if I wanted to. It's just a formality, they have to have it for their records, but my parents refuse to give me the information(all I need is a check stub), because according to them I don't need it.

    On top of that, my heart was ripped out by the only person I ever trusted, or loved. I spent 2 years living with her. All of my friends turned on me, and bad mouthed me after she left, so we're not even friends anymore. It get's twice as bad as the day before each day. Every day I think I hit rock bottom, and I get proven wrong.

    Nothing ever seems to go right, if it does, someone else comes along and takes it from me, because they want it because it made me OK. And I'm just left to deal with the pain.

    The only people I get to talk to anymore are my parents, and when I tell them how bad everything is, and how bad it's always been, they just tell me I'm exaggerating and I was happy my whole life. Apparently they know nothing about me, or they'd understand that after enough years I got pretty good at faking it. I just didn't want anyone to know what I was going through in my life, ever. People just seemed to want to use my emotions against me to get what they want.

    There isn't any hope left to cling to, I really have nothing to live for now. The only thing I was living for was taken from me. I'm trying to hold on looking for better days, but they aren't in sight it seems.

    I just want to end it all, the only way that my problems will ever go away. The only option for peace, and a retreat from the suffering.

    If nothing else just OD myself enough to get taken to the hospital, that way they'll put me in the Psychiatric Hospital, and I can finally get the medication, and help I need. But at this point I don't even think there is any fixing it. No one would listen when it was getting this bad, and hell they still don't. It feels like a point of no return for me.

    Maybe it's just better if I go. People treat me like a burden, and avoid me because I have problems, but if they have problems they expect me to drop everything and suck it up for their own good.

    I don't want to live in this selfish, cruel, uncaring world anymore. I just want to be ok, not even happy, I would settle for numb. But I'm not going to get that either....
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I just want you to know that people here do care. You don't have to go through this alone.

    Can you go to the emergency room, tell them you're suicidal, and try to get admitted to the psychiatric unit that way?

    *hugs* Please hold on; don't give up. You're not a burden, and people do care. You can PM me anytime if you feel like talking.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I know what you are feeling people just don't get it sometimes. They are the ones who can see the suffering they are in denial of your illness. If you cannot get pay stub from your mom you will have to tell agency this and go from there. Tell them she is not be supportive at all see what comes of it. They canT expect you to get a statement if you can't ask them what to do.
    You will find someone else to care for you that truly cares and in time will forget about the ex who obivioulsly just didn't care enough. Keep talking to your mom she may just clue in and give you the pay stub you need Keep venting okay get all the pain out because it does helpl
  4. Anthony

    Anthony Active Member

    I can't go to the emergency room, or anything. You have to try it before they'll do anything. They have a tendency to just put you in jail until it goes away for being a threat to others. Which is complete crap. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just want help.

    My ex had dealt with depression issues for a long time, and her grandma was diagnosed with cancer before we broke up. My dad was diagnosed with heart disease, and they can't seem to figure out whats wrong with him, they treated him for 3 months for something that he didn't have. We had decided to take a break, because we both just needed time, we were pushing each other away, because I figured she had enough to deal with, and she figured the same thing. We called it quits for a while, which hurt, but it wasn't really permanent.

    After that all of our friends, who were upset that she wasn't with them all the time because she wanted to spend time with me, told her a bunch of stuff. It's really not her fault, I don't blame her, and I still love her. Her friends never did anything like this before, and neither have mine. But from what it appears by the emails, and texts someone forwarded to me, they view me as an intruder to their happiness. They even had me mad at her, until I found out about what they were doing then I understood it. They were playing both sides to keep us apart, then I cut them out completely. I have enough problems to deal with on my own without them making things worse. I think they've done enough for me.

    She is the only thing that has ever given me hope for tomorrow. Just hearing her voice, and seeing her smile at me, could make the worst day, bearable. I know it's silly to put that much stock into another person, but I was just never mentally stable enough to handle on my own. And in a weird way, I think I might have pushed her away because I didn't think I deserved her, like I wasn't supposed to be happy. I never thought that could happen to me, and it was instant. She's the "one" I know she is. It's crazy to say, but I never say that. And I have my own little reasons why I think that.

    It's just so odd, going from having someone there every time you would ever need someone. Someone you could hold, and just let everything out, and they kiss you, and make everything OK, if even for a moment.

    I just don't know anymore, nothing is the way it was supposed to be. I go to church, every time I go I get this feeling everything is going to be the way it was again. And it's not wishful thinking, because I'm incapable of that at this point. I have been for a couple months.

    I'm rambling now. I should stop.
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You don't have to stop. It's okay. You can talk as much as you want to, and someone will listen.
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