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I Don't Know What to Do...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lisan, Feb 17, 2010.

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  1. Lisan

    Lisan New Member

    This is my first time posting here, I just found out this site on Google and I hope someone can give me some advice...

    There has been many things going on at once that has been making me feel so depressed lately. I don't know if this also has to due with me starting on Birth Control and it's side effects of depression, I just know I feel like I want to end it all.

    First: Last year, I decided to move to Alabama with my boyfriend to go to college. I decided that I wanted to spend my college years with him, but after living with his family, it's been really hard. I despise his mother with a passion, I hate her so much. Everyone over there always get drunk and stupid, I hate it. His mother once got really drunk and called my mom and started yelling at her and then started yelling at me out of the blue for no good reason and then made my boyfriend choose me or her... What the fuck? It's been awhile since this happened, but it's really hurt me, and the worse part was that she never apologized to me or my mother. My boyfriend stood up for me that day but ever since then, I can't put up with her. Seeing her face, just reminds me of that night of what happened. She even starts joking about how I need to stop hogging my boyfriend away from her, because I wanted to eat alone with him for Valentines Day and she wanted to come along... I have a hard time taking jokes, I always take them seriously. I just really really hate his mother, so much I hide inside the room and never really come outside, for the sake of not seeing her. I want to move out, but I don't have a job nor do I have any money and so does my boyfriend.

    Second: After being in Alabama for this long, I don't even know if it's for me or not. I really hate where I live right now and I miss California, where I was from. It just feels like I've sacrificed so much to be with my boyfriend, and when I asked him if he was willing to move with me back to California one day, he said no. Is this fair? I don't know... He said he just doesn't want to separate from his big family that needs him. But it just feels selfish to me, because what about my family?... Does that even matter?

    Third: I don't know if a college degree from over there is really worth it. I'm scared that, that degree won't let me get a job anywhere, because the school I'm going to has no publicity, and who would hire someone who came from a school no one ever heard of? I've been thinking of going back to California to finish off school, but I'm also worried about leaving my boyfriend behind. Today he told me that he was thinking of going to another school because our school right now doesn't offer vet school. To me, it just felt like I've sacrificed everything to go to school with him and he's considering leaving me... I feel tricked, and left behind.

    Fourth: My mom keeps stressing me about how she and my dad both have cancer and their going to die any day now. I'm scared their going to die, I hate it. It feels like I can't do anything about it but watch and wait. Not even watch, because I'm all the way on the other side of the country.

    Fifth: I don't even know how to talk to my boyfriend anymore... Today I've just been thinking about our relationship, and maybe it's loosing it's spark? We've been together for almost 3 years now. I just felt really down and when he talked to me on msn today, I told him that it feels like he doesn't care for me anymore. Because there's so many things going on, and it doesn't feel like he's been helping me at all. He just sits there and nods and listen, but never really does anything... He says he's trying to be understanding and that I pushed him to his limit now. And then he just signed off..

    Sixth: I've been looking for a job everywhere to pay for school, since I have a debt now of 529 dollars, and I've had no luck at all. I feel so guilt-ed because my mom is going to sell her engagement ring to pay for my schooling. I hate myself so much, I feel so useless. I don't even know what to do...

    I want to end it all. There's just so many things going on and I hate it... What should I do...?
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: I'm sorry you're in such a rough spot. It doesn't seem fair though, that you've given up so much to be with your boyfriend. You have to decide what YOU want ... not what's best for him right now, but what will make you happy. If you think moving back to California is what will make you happy, then it's something you need to consider. Sometimes you have to put yourself first.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I would say move back to California.. You said the spark between you and your boyfriend just isn't there anymore..You need to look out for yourself first.. You also don't need to be under the stress of his mother..Go home where you know your loved..When he wakes up and figures out what he wants then talk to him again about moving to California..Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think you will be alot happier..
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I agree with Stranger.....put yourself first....
  5. Priestpel

    Priestpel Member

    Sounds to me like you need to get some time away for yourself and to evaluate everything. You shuld go back home and spend some quality time with your parents cause they are the ones tht care about u the most no matter wot.

    The time u spend back home will give u space from your boyfriend and you will know if he is worth making any more effort for after all u have already done for him. Think about your overall happiness, now and in the future. I new school and better surroundings will help u greatly.

    Stay safe
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