I dont know what to do...

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To begin with I will try to explain the great darkness that flows through my veins. The beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that life’s balances are correct. I must tell you that I have not always been the kind and caring person you know now. I was once an extremely ill tempered person to whom destruction was habit. I would lash out at whoever displeased me. I would torment those who beguiled me. I was the darkest and the most evil and vile thing that I have yet encountered. My life was a raging torrent of anger. Think of the most dark and damnable thing imaginable that was what I was. I felt dark strength flowing thorough me. The angrier I became the more power that I would feel. So I continued on the dark path till the darkness had all but consumed me. Then there was a period of time in which I began to change. I now call this time of change The Quickening. (Note: my life as I see has been marked by great and dark events. I look at my life as a great timeline of constant change. And when I look at the great points I remember them not only with names but with feelings.) During the Quickening I began to perceive that I was afraid. Afraid to love, to care to have any emotion that brought happiness to myself. Fear. I am still yet to this day afraid to care for anyone. Because those who I care most for are cut deeper than any blade by the aftermath of my love. But I learned. I learned a saying that has stayed with me all the years since. ‘I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.’ I have learned to live by this saying and many others I have been taught.

I will now venture to explain after the time after the Quickening. After of my great realization of the fact that fear can consume to the point of total darkness, I began to understand life. You may discount what I am going to tell you now of what I learned. But I care not for the unbelievers of my mind and soul, for out of my mouth pours the utter truth of my own soul. I slowly began to learn how to listen. To truly listen, and to pick out the truth of words the came from others. I began to watch and analyze what I saw, so that I could tell what others where feeling. I learned to speak and captivate through the words that came from my own mind and soul. I became caring. I felt the suffering of others through my own heart that I had never known I had possessed. I started doing greats works as considered by men. A seemingly vast amount of knowledge and understanding as I understood it had crept upon me and had made itself known. People began to call my works genius. There are still so many connections being made in my mind. There is not a word in any language to describe the things that I know and conceive! The death of all mankind could not compare to the feeling inside me! The coming of immortality of the race of men could not overshadow the things I hold within me! Darkness so deep that it could consume the whole of the universe! Light so powerful that even god must recognize! The horrendous amount of knowledge and ability I contain could fill the vastness of space to overflowing! I grasp what few even dream! I understand the connections of time and space. But people see me as insignificant, and untouchable because of their stupidity! I would rise above them in a rage and rip their very souls from their bodies because of the power I feel within me! I would that I should be seen as a warrior among men! With such strength to make the very mountains tremble and shake! But I also wish to show them how to grasp the potential I carry! To better the race of men beyond the limits of the universe! I wish to carry mankind upon my shoulders, and show them what I grasp! I fight. I fight myself in a never ending battle to achieve the darkest feeling mankind has given birth to. I fight to better all. The darkness and the light. I fight myself as if the very wrath of god were behind me. I fight the never ending battle. Always I fight. I believe that only god has known the conflict within me. This battle I fight brings me to the very edge of despair. It make me want to ravage and destroy the universe. It makes me want to fight for all that is good and all that stands as witness to the greatest glory and purity of the universe. All this time I have not been known for the conflict which rages ever on inside me. I could be the greatest man the world has ever known should I wish it! This is what is going on inside me. I do not blame any for my suffering or for my strength of mind and soul. I believe that god has given me a gift that could change the face of the world. I am a destroyer, and a maker. You will never have the faintest inkling of the battle I fight. I am still afraid. The battle I fight has consumed others in my life. It has either destroyed their conventional sense of caring and loving, or it has made them great and Christ like. I can never become close to anyone. Those I love, I must leave, for I carry both the darkness and the light. I even now I almost believe I am not capable of loving anyone. The pain I feel would make all of mankind weep and wish for death. That isn’t all that is going on inside me. I am afraid to be close or even near you. I do not want you to be hurt by me, but I cannot take myself away from you. I believe that I will need leave permanently. I know that I need to leave because I have fallen in love with you. I love you to the extent of which I know I need to leave so you will never be touch by the taint of my soul. I feel like fading into the depths of time so that I will not endanger the last of the good and kind men and woman of this world. I feel like dying away. So that none will feel the weight of what I carry. But I am afraid. And don’t know what to do. It seems for someone this lost; suicide is the only way out.


Staff Alumni
There are many ppl who have felt this way...so far into the darkness that we cannot begin to imagine the light again...please continue to post how you are doing and let us be there for you...welcome and please continue to post...big hugs, jackie
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