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I don't know what to do...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Carly, May 17, 2010.

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  1. Carly

    Carly New Member

    I don't really know why I'm writing this on here. Maybe just to talk to people who feel the same I don't know. I'm not going to talk about my problems exactly because there are no solutions. I know that my problems are creations of my own mind and my own stubborness and I will never change as a person.

    I'm 34 and I've thought of suicide every single day for about the last 3 years. The only reason I haven't done anything about it is because I don't know what to do. Every method seems to have too many risky complications and I feel I would just screw it up and I don't have space in my life for failed suicide attempts. If I do it I have to do it properly first time. I don't have sympathetic people in my life and they would make my life hell if I tried to kill myself and it went wrong.

    But that doesn't mean everything is okay because I don't have the guts to do it. Spending every single day wishing I wasn't here anymore. I hate every minute of being alive and I don't want to do it anymore. It just seems completely pointless to me. Spending every day trying to look interested in life. All I can see when I look at life as a whole is hurtling towards getting older...suffering even more...becoming old and ugly and unwanted....getting ill. Spending life doing meaningless chores...sitting on the internet or watching TV for hours every day. I just think what the fuck for?? I seriously don't see the point. I know I sound selfish and I know that there are people who are in awful situations who would think my life was a bed of roses but I can't help the way I think. I have accepted that if I killed myself it would be an extremely selfish act but I have come to terms with the fact that I am just selfish and that isn't going to stop me ultimatley.

    Over the past few years I have gradually alienated all my friends and family. I have no one to turn to and they just don't understand why I am so unsociable and moody and I don't understand either. I have been to several doctors about it but none of them seems to think for some reason that there is anything wrong with feeling like this. As long as I'm not going to kill myself thats all that matters and they aren't interested. Maybe they're right maybe I'm not ill at all maybe I just see things for the way they really are. and the way things really are is misery...life is one miserable episode after another.

    < Mod edit Hazel: Method > That way once you jump thats it there is no going back. Although I don't know if I would actually have the guts to do it when I got there. I think its a natural human reaction to not jump.

    I've read this all back to myself and no I wonder why I've written it and it doesn't really matter anyway because I'm too gutless to actually to do it.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 17, 2010
  2. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    Whatever stops you from getting hurt, I'm glad you haven't done it.

    Did the doctors you saw understand that you are seriously thinking of suicide? I know that sometimes we can downplay just how bad we are feeling when faced with a doctor or therapist, and it may keep us from getting the help we need.

    I know how awful it feels when you get to the point where just existing anymore is painful. But I think that there is still hope that we can feel better. Whatever it takes to make at least part of life worth living.
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