I Don't Know What To Do

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Kendall C., Jun 11, 2011.

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  1. Kendall C.

    Kendall C. New Member

    I haven't felt suicidal for over two and a half years and now I am back to square one again. Sorry if this is a long post...

    I'm a college student and at college I never feel this way. I am full of life and everything is great. I get upset some times, but it is in the normal way...not like I am now.

    I'm back home after my first year in college and it is like I never left and everything miserable that I felt here came back full force. My senior year in HS, I had school to look forward to and then college, but now even going back to college doesn't feel like enough.

    I'm convinced my mother hates me. She loves me, but she hates me. She is disgusted by me or something because I feel like crap in her eyes. I have been looking for a job for over a month now, but NO place is calling me or hiring me. I am only back for two months because I have to leave for school earlier and no one wants that so there is nothing I can do. I have two interviews and one was okay, but my mom is flippping out and screaming all the time. My room just has books on the floor and some pillows and she acts like it is the messiest thing in the world. She woke me up this morning by barging in and saying "Get up, Pig"

    It has been like this for the last month and if I don't get a job in 4 days she says she is going to kick me out. I've done everything I could and it is not in my hands and yet I am being punished! I've never done drugs, I don't drink, I've never snuck out, I am a 4.0, straight A student and I do volunteer work and yet, she acts like I'm the worst person in the world. People comment on how differently she treats my sister who is her "sweet heart"

    If I get kicked out, I have no where to go. I can't go to my friends because I'll just be a burden and most of their moms are best friends with my mom. My dad got remarried and is selling his house to move so there is no where to go until college. I've looked up apartments and they all need some kind of lease and I can't break my housing contract I signed for next semester to have a place to live for the next two months.

    I just don't know what to do and I can't help but think that I should just kill myself and be done with all of this. I've cried every day because I wake up to her complaining about me or someone else and just not talking unless she wants to criticize me. I just can't take it. It takes me longer and longer to calm down.

    I just want to run away and disappear. But, she helps pay for my college and I can't afford it on my own and don't know where to start in order to do any of that. I don't know where I would go or how to go anywhere else....I'm just so confused and wish there was someone who knew what I could do or where to go or how to run.

    I don't want to die because I know how much there is to live for, but I feel that it would be better than suffering in all this pain until then...

    Can anyone help or know something I can do? Please?
  2. kuriheartsyou

    kuriheartsyou Member

    Whether you feel like you're a burden, you should at least ask a friend or another family member if you can stay with them. I suggest you look for shelters, too, as a last resort if your mom really does pull through with her threats.

    All I can really say for advice is to just sit tight for a little while longer. You never really know what else could happen - things could get better if you just wait, and you could be really happy. Or at least happier.
  3. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Hi Kendall,

    You think your mom hates you but you know that's not true. You also said that she loves you. Maybe you can tell her how you feel deep inside? Ask her what she would suggest since you are not in control of getting a job although you have been trying your best? Also mention that you only have 2 months and it’s very hard to get a job with so much limits, etc…

    It seems to me that your mom is probably just stressed out herself and she feel she needs you to know how serious the situation is. If you talk to her and tell her that you understand the seriousness of the situation and that you are really trying your best, she may calm down a bit and understand you…

    Or maybe you can talk to your dad and see if he can help you out somehow (assuming that would not piss your mom off and lose her support for your college…). Or ask your friends - as the saying goes, a friend in need is a friend indeed. Your friend may be happy to help you given that it’s just for two months (again, assuming this would not piss your mom off…)… Maybe also ask your dad or friends and see if they can help you get some temp work?

    In any event, only 2 months…I believe that you can find a way to go through it…no matter what…don’t think about suicide - it would only make the situation worse…and you know you do have a lot to live for!! In two (or one?) months, you’ll be back to college…

    Be well!
  4. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    It sounds like you have always been more happier at school that you ever were at home, so if I can just put this question to you, why is it you didn't try and make other arrangements before you left for your holidays? No accusations, it's simply that if I can see by just one of your posts how much you hate it at home (have always hated it) then surely you might have realised it when you first left and made other plans for some place to live closer to your mother's house. Just pop around once or twice a week for a short visit and been happy with the thought that you had somewhere else to go.

    Yet the past is prologue, and can't be undone, so I have to agree with what kuriheartsyou said and at least ask one or more of your friends if they wouldn't mind putting you up for a while in the event you do have to move out. The only burden you feel is what you put on yourself and friends never feel that way when you ask them for help, so at least give it a shot. By what else you have said, what have you got to lose anyway?

    And as far as suicide goes, you know that is final, right? The one and final solution for getting past all that life can throw at you? Well, it would certainly solve your problem about what you would have to do over the next two months if you do have to leave, but then it would end all of your dreams and aspirations you've ever had in life and all of your accomplishments with your grades and attending Uni. It seems a rather poor choice to me, when, as LoveBeing also said, in one or two months, you will be at Uni and not have to deal with your mother again for a good long while.
  5. Craig

    Craig Banned Member

    I feel like getting out of that enviroment would be a good start. I know that you said you cant stay with friends but the reasons you gave made it seem more like you 'wont' stay with friends.
    Understand that your mother probably has her own issues too if she is flipping out without a reason all the time. Keep that in mind so that what she says dosnt bring you down as much. From what you have said she is just 'lashing out' at you without a cause. That would suggest that she is failing at dealing with something within her self and she is just taking the pain out on you.
    Suicide isnt the answer. I know not having a job sucks but it would be so much better to be homeless than to have no life at all. Theres a lot of things you can do to kinda 'help you pass the time' like donating plasma (You can make around 275 a month that way) or getting involved in some nonproffit events (A lot of buisness owners go to nonproffit events and do things just because they feel like it. You may be able to network with people which would assist with you getting a job).

    This isnt the end for you and dont let yourself think that it is.
  6. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Hi again, Kendall,

    Just thought I'd mention about student loan from the government if it's available where you are. If you can get a student loan, there is usually no interest before your graduation (interest is paid by the government). Maybe worth checking out?

    With loving wishes...
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