I don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by locpsimella, Aug 22, 2011.

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  1. locpsimella

    locpsimella Member

    I've never posted here before, but I'm going to cut to the chase because to be honest I don't have a lot of time to mess about. I'm truly hopeless. And I don't want to kill myself,I don't want to be dead, but the situation I'm in is one I've been unable to get myself out of for 4+ years. And I don't believe I'm capable of getting myself out it.

    I'm in my mid-thirties. A total f-up. On paper, I look alright up until 4 years ago, but I've never been alright, hard as I've tried. And I've tried HARD.

    I've suffered from depression and anxiety since adolescence - in my opinion (and in the opinion of professionals), a consequence of growing up in a chaotic household. And I'm a sensitive soul. Due to the economy and the fact that I'm a big effing LOSER, I'm living back with my parents...and it's driving me to suicide.

    It's hard for me to tell my story without sounding dramatic, but the TRUTH is that all of my 'friends' have totally abandoned me. I'll get occasional emails saying 'We miss you so much!" but then when I email back, I get no response. Normally I keep the reality of my depression and bad situation under wraps and just try to keep it light. But in my last email I thought I'd experiment by revealing to my 'friend' the the fact that I get regular physical threats from my father, and that I'm verbally and emotionally abused by both of my parents. It's been 2 weeks, and I've heard nothing.

    There have been times in my life when I've been out of control and threatening suicide and not wholly meaning it. That's not where I am now. I'm in a calmer, less crazy place...which is bad (meaning, more ready to do it).

    Here's the thing - the 'friend' I revealed that information to is someone I've been intimately close with for 10+ years...someone who is in a position to take it, for sure. Yet, she wants nothing to do with it/me. The other piece of this is a...well, what most people would call a 'soul mate'..I hesitate to use that expression because it' s so popularized that it's lost its meaning..but in any case, someone I consider to be the love of my life abruptly abandoned me. And he was the only person - albeit a person with his own issues - to ever really 'see' me.

    Anyway, to sum up, I've lost my independence, the love of my life and the support of my so-called friends.And for 4+ years I have tried to regain my independence financially and convince myself that I don't need people. That I don't need a mate. That I don't need friends.

    And I've done a miserable job at all of the above. Four + years is a long time. And I'm tired. And self-loathing. Does anyone have any advice to convince me that there is hope? Because I haven't felt hope for awhile and don't anticipate feeling any.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi sorry you are feeling so low hun. So many losses, your friend your soul mate and abuse from your parents You need help hun one cannot always fight the battles alone. please get some therapy. Ask your doctor about going on disability benefits so you can move out away from your parent but reach out get help. hugs
  3. locpsimella

    locpsimella Member

    Thank you - that's a very kind response. I did seek therapy a few years ago,and,as my luck would have it, my therapist left the country to teach abroad (...just as my soul mate left me to travel the world!) I do still 'see' her via web therapy but not enough guess.

    Anyway thank u for your response. Upon rereading my post seems so pathetic and "woe is me"...I will try and find a way to be more accepting of a life of solitude rather than feeling sorry for myself.
  4. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Well- you are not stupid - so work will come sometime - its hard for everyone but do not feel you are a loser just because other people cannot manage a nation and create enough jobs for us all to work.

    Use your time to take refresher courses - things change all the time - blink and there's a new office software version - so I like to keep with the latest software so work will be easier to get.

    Qualifications? I mean there are goals we can have - and with depression the main thing is just getting out and meeting new people. Well - the more people we know the better chance of finding a friend in a desperate land!

    Just mixing with people socially is a great help - on a course its not like a wine bar or pub - your there to learn - but obviously you tend to be drawn towards certain people and you might get to know someone nice.

    As for sharing with friends or soul mates - you can do it - but bear in mind lots of people are just inadequate when it comes to dealing with depression and issues relating to it. Thankfully you can relate here and people will obviously 'get it' and there's no awkwardness as there would be if you were going to share with a friend or a new lover or something.

    You might get a blank look. They might change the subject. They might try to lighten the mood. But they should actually just listen and offer support - and if they cannot then maybe they need counselling - not you!

    But - the world is a big place - there are plenty of nice people out there!

    Anyhow - hope this brings some levity to your situation.

    Sorry to see you do down and hope you can realise that depression is not who you actually are.
  5. locpsimella

    locpsimella Member

    Thank you so much for your response. This sentence in particular really struck me. I was just thinking a lot tonight about my previous relationship (I try not to - but some nights, it's just on my mind) and I was thinking that part of what made such an impact on me was that it was the ONLY time in my life I wasn't burdened with depression and anxiety. When I was with my ex, I felt like a weight was lifted. I was creative, witty, hopeful...everything I know I am but struggle so hard to achieve through the fog of hopelessness & worry I normally feel. So, I've been trying to find SOMETHING (other than the man I think is my soul mate) to bring me that kind of clarity so I can get out of this situation. But nothing - exercise, yoga, meditation, supplements - seems to clear the fog.

    In addition to not having a partner to support me, what I'm really struggling with is the fact that I also cannot seem to find friends or family who understand me or who are capable of setting aside their own issues to even consider mine for a moment. Does anyone else struggle with this? I just feel like, my whole life, I've been alone...which I don't get because truthfully if you met me I think you'd think I was very *normal* (hate that word). Yet, I feel *abnormal* amongst my peers. Invisible really. Anybody else?
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    There have been times when I ask out loud, does anyone hear me? Since I have been in a wheelchair, it feels like some people have stopped hearing me...being invisible is awful...people speak to the person accompanying me like I am not there (usually an aide or friend helping whereas I own two business and have a doctorate-not that this makes me any better, but I still think I am capable of answering how I am on that day)...what I have done is to choose who CAN hear me and only expect them to truly respond...I have shut all the other stuff off because I cannot give it my energy...finding someone who understands might be a goal you set for your interactions here...hope you do find company that deserves to be with you..and maybe the therapist you are meeting w/ online can recommend some1 for you to see face to face...J
  7. locpsimella

    locpsimella Member

    Thanks sadeyes. I'm so sorry you feel ignored as a result of your wheelchair. It's amazing how when people feel uncomfortable and don't know what to say, they just pretend the people or things that make them uncomfortable don't exist. You don't deserve that. I'm glad you've been able to find people who can hear you.

    I agree with you that the focus should be on finding people who are capable of and interested in hearing you...my problem is that I don't find those people. Or, if I think I do, it turns out that I'm wrong, and they disappear when I'm not physically around them or calling them all the time, or when they find a boy/girlfriend, etc. I suppose you could say I tend to find 'fair weather friends'.

    If I could stop feeling angry, betrayed and depressed about the fact that no one is 'there for me', I could move forward. There's a quote I've been pondering a lot lately:

    "The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed.”

    In my experience, I can't depend on people. Even though I feel hopeless that I can get myself out of my situation, I feel I can't depend on anyone else because no one cares about me more than they care about themselves. So, if I could just let go and stop hoping for love and friendship, perhaps I could focus my energies on myself and get myself out of my situation.

    But I struggle with this because the truth is I want to have one or two people in my life who get me and who care. I don't feel like that's too much to ask, but in my experience, it is.

    Anyway, yes, thanks, I will continue to talk about this with my therapist. Perhaps it'll make sense one day if I just keep trying...
  8. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi there! :) I didn't read this post until 10 minutes ago, but I'm glad I came upon it. Like I say when I post sometimes, I don't have any advice but boy do wish I did! :hug: Instead, I will send you my most sincere, heartwarming wishes for your future. With warmest regards.. Mr. A
  9. locpsimella

    locpsimella Member

    Thank you, Mr. Alex. I appreciate it. Your icon makes me smile :)
  10. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    You're welcome! And thanks for the compliment! :hug: P.S. I appreciate what you posted in another thread a few minutes ago. ;)
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