I've never posted here before, but I'm going to cut to the chase because to be honest I don't have a lot of time to mess about. I'm truly hopeless. And I don't want to kill myself,I don't want to be dead, but the situation I'm in is one I've been unable to get myself out of for 4+ years. And I don't believe I'm capable of getting myself out it. I'm in my mid-thirties. A total f-up. On paper, I look alright up until 4 years ago, but I've never been alright, hard as I've tried. And I've tried HARD. I've suffered from depression and anxiety since adolescence - in my opinion (and in the opinion of professionals), a consequence of growing up in a chaotic household. And I'm a sensitive soul. Due to the economy and the fact that I'm a big effing LOSER, I'm living back with my parents...and it's driving me to suicide. It's hard for me to tell my story without sounding dramatic, but the TRUTH is that all of my 'friends' have totally abandoned me. I'll get occasional emails saying 'We miss you so much!" but then when I email back, I get no response. Normally I keep the reality of my depression and bad situation under wraps and just try to keep it light. But in my last email I thought I'd experiment by revealing to my 'friend' the the fact that I get regular physical threats from my father, and that I'm verbally and emotionally abused by both of my parents. It's been 2 weeks, and I've heard nothing. There have been times in my life when I've been out of control and threatening suicide and not wholly meaning it. That's not where I am now. I'm in a calmer, less crazy place...which is bad (meaning, more ready to do it). Here's the thing - the 'friend' I revealed that information to is someone I've been intimately close with for 10+ years...someone who is in a position to take it, for sure. Yet, she wants nothing to do with it/me. The other piece of this is a...well, what most people would call a 'soul mate'..I hesitate to use that expression because it' s so popularized that it's lost its meaning..but in any case, someone I consider to be the love of my life abruptly abandoned me. And he was the only person - albeit a person with his own issues - to ever really 'see' me. Anyway, to sum up, I've lost my independence, the love of my life and the support of my so-called friends.And for 4+ years I have tried to regain my independence financially and convince myself that I don't need people. That I don't need a mate. That I don't need friends. And I've done a miserable job at all of the above. Four + years is a long time. And I'm tired. And self-loathing. Does anyone have any advice to convince me that there is hope? Because I haven't felt hope for awhile and don't anticipate feeling any.