(I apologize in advance for the lengthy post) Hi, my name's Jon. I'm 32 and am in a bit of a predicament, yet again. I say again because I've done this 2 times before, both with drastic results - lost jobs, nowhere to go, considering offing myself. You see, I have a habit of, out of the blue, just not going into work/school. I'm not sure why, to be honest. Everything will be fine, in fact I'll feel great the day before, but one day I'll just wake up and not do whatever responsibilities I have. One day is no big deal, as you can typically make up some excuse. Unfortunately I'll get the mindset akin to (and pardon my language): "Oh shit oh shit I've already screwed myself over", i.e. paranoid about what's going to happen. So I'll skip another day. And another. Until I get to the point where I'm at; it's been over a month since I've been to school (college). Now, this would be a big issue for anyone, but it's worse for me because I'm a vet and my income is provided through the Post 9/11 GI Bill housing stipend. I've about $20 to my name, and am hoping hoping HOPING that the government somehow doesn't know I'm not attending anymore and will send me a check on the 1st. I doubt this will happen though. I feel like such a screw-up; I'm 32 damned years old and I can't even perform the basic functions most people do with ease. Anything I do, I do minimally, just enough to pass standards. I'm a very intelligent fellow, yet I allow myself to get D's and C's. All I've done is wake up, go to school, come home, smoke weed and play video games. Lame for a 32 year old, ain't it? On top of that, nobody ever contacts me. I feel so alone, it's horrible. The only person that does call/email is my "best friend", who's a drunk and I'm suspicious of his motives. My birth-mother, who became a heroin junkie/prostitute while my dad was overseas, apparently is jaundice and on her deathbed. I haven't brought myself to call her, and don't think I will. My dad and stepmother moved to Florida without telling anyone. Not to mention the 1st time I was admitted my dad showed up simply so I could be released; after that I never got a phone call or any offers for help. So here I am. I've researched methods for taking my life and have chosen the <Mod Edit:Inmemoryofyou:Methods> in some secluded place (have a roommate). I'm currently waiting for a check to arrive from selling my textbooks so I can place the order for a XXXXX. I'm bouncing between being completely numb/almost anxious for the day to arrive and full-out crying like a little wimp. I'm not really willing to go back to the psyche ward. I don't know if civilian hospitals do the same thing, but the VA hospital basically just holds you there for a month and releases you. No groups and maybe some medication that doesn't work (for me, at least). So essentially it's a layover, just delaying the inevitable and putting you right back in the position you were in. What can I do? I feel there's no real options for me; either become homeless or kill myself. I've been homeless before, and I'm not willing to do it again. Also, I'm sorry if this all should go somewhere else, but please understand that getting on this website took a lot of strength on my part. I routinely talk myself out of help.