I don't know what to do.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by joonior, Oct 21, 2011.

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  1. joonior

    joonior Active Member

    (I apologize in advance for the lengthy post)

    Hi, my name's Jon. I'm 32 and am in a bit of a predicament, yet again. I say again because I've done this 2 times before, both with drastic results - lost jobs, nowhere to go, considering offing myself.

    You see, I have a habit of, out of the blue, just not going into work/school. I'm not sure why, to be honest. Everything will be fine, in fact I'll feel great the day before, but one day I'll just wake up and not do whatever responsibilities I have. One day is no big deal, as you can typically make up some excuse. Unfortunately I'll get the mindset akin to (and pardon my language): "Oh shit oh shit I've already screwed myself over", i.e. paranoid about what's going to happen.

    So I'll skip another day.

    And another.

    Until I get to the point where I'm at; it's been over a month since I've been to school (college). Now, this would be a big issue for anyone, but it's worse for me because I'm a vet and my income is provided through the Post 9/11 GI Bill housing stipend. I've about $20 to my name, and am hoping hoping HOPING that the government somehow doesn't know I'm not attending anymore and will send me a check on the 1st. I doubt this will happen though.

    I feel like such a screw-up; I'm 32 damned years old and I can't even perform the basic functions most people do with ease. Anything I do, I do minimally, just enough to pass standards. I'm a very intelligent fellow, yet I allow myself to get D's and C's. All I've done is wake up, go to school, come home, smoke weed and play video games. Lame for a 32 year old, ain't it?

    On top of that, nobody ever contacts me. I feel so alone, it's horrible. The only person that does call/email is my "best friend", who's a drunk and I'm suspicious of his motives.

    My birth-mother, who became a heroin junkie/prostitute while my dad was overseas, apparently is jaundice and on her deathbed. I haven't brought myself to call her, and don't think I will. My dad and stepmother moved to Florida without telling anyone. Not to mention the 1st time I was admitted my dad showed up simply so I could be released; after that I never got a phone call or any offers for help.

    So here I am. I've researched methods for taking my life and have chosen the <Mod Edit:Inmemoryofyou:Methods> in some secluded place (have a roommate). I'm currently waiting for a check to arrive from selling my textbooks so I can place the order for a XXXXX. I'm bouncing between being completely numb/almost anxious for the day to arrive and full-out crying like a little wimp.

    I'm not really willing to go back to the psyche ward. I don't know if civilian hospitals do the same thing, but the VA hospital basically just holds you there for a month and releases you. No groups and maybe some medication that doesn't work (for me, at least). So essentially it's a layover, just delaying the inevitable and putting you right back in the position you were in.

    What can I do? I feel there's no real options for me; either become homeless or kill myself. I've been homeless before, and I'm not willing to do it again.

    Also, I'm sorry if this all should go somewhere else, but please understand that getting on this website took a lot of strength on my part. I routinely talk myself out of help.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 21, 2011
  2. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Hiya Joonior,

    welcome to SF.

    I am sorry to hear about your predicament.

    Is there no way you can contact the school and explain the situation to them? perhaps say you were ill or that you went out of town for a family emergancy and offer to catch up the work?
    It seems like a lot of time but you have the christmas period you could use to catch up on your studies aswell.

    Perhaps you could talk to your doctor and explain the situation to them. they may be able to help you out regarding schooling and the time thing. They also may be able to offer other advice. I dont know im definitly not an expert but i understand the feling of just 'fuck' it and letting things slide.
    the longer you leave it the harder it gets.
    its only 3-4 weeks so what 20 days of school, you may be able to catch up.

    i too am facing homlessness in 2 months time. havent got a clue what is going to happen to be honest, definitly dont like the idea of living in my car with my great dane thats for sure.

    Keep us posted on how you get on though:smile:
  3. joonior

    joonior Active Member

    I recall the teachers saying something about "you can miss a maximum of ten days". I suppose I could call my psychiatrist, although I'll feel like a scumbag for lying to the school, not to mention he'd probably have the cops at my apartment shortly after we'd hang up, ready to take me to the psych ward again.

    I have to be honest, as well: due to my hard-headedness I'm likely to take any advice with a grain of salt. I do appreciate any advice, though. Maybe something'll click in my head and I won't feel so screwed.

    I'm sorry for the position you're in, living out of a car ain't fun - especially if it's a small car. With a great dane. Maybe you could rent a seat to me :p May I ask what happened?

    A little fyi, my mood changes every 5 minutes so you guys may see me make a joke, get angry at something, sad, etc...
  4. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    hello Jon, welcome.. no one on here wants anyone else to take their life..this includes you Jon.. you are still young and time for you to try to pull it together and get somewhere wholesome for yourself.. talk to someone in charge at school very soon.. find out if this semester or quarter is still salvageable.. you are a vet and am not sure what symptoms and illnesses maybe affecting you now cause of that.. talk to your shrink truthfully with the outcome aimed at getting someplace better for yourself as the goal..

    this has to come from you now.. you have to take the steps to get the help you need and move forward.. time to make some decisions..

    we here on suicide forums will be here with you thru it all.. listening, trying to support and help you... we would love to have you succeed with this all..

    good luck and best wishes always.. Jim
  5. joonior

    joonior Active Member

    Thank you. I'm feeling a small glimmer of hope now, so we'll see what happens. Hopefully I can make them understand how dire my situation is.

    It kind of scares me how comfortable I am with me taking my life sometimes. Like right now I'm feeling "un-sad". Won't say happy because I'm not.

    Anyways, I wanted to say I'm proud of you guys who stay and help others out.
  6. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    a mix of things to be honest- just simply cant afford the place on my own- been struggling for ages but there just isnt any help out there so it just got to breaking point.
    lol its a punto so gunna be hilarious !

    I hope that school isnt that tough on you, have you tried to speak to them yet?

    How are you doing in school? where they good grades before? might make a difference i dont know about schools over there tbh.

    yerh im sure we can squeeze you in! be fun trying anyway!!
  7. joonior

    joonior Active Member

    There are some resources, but do believe there's too few. Nothing that really seems to help you while on the downward spiral; only when you're at the bottom is there any semblance of a safety net. It's a shame, really, as so many could be saved if 1) they existed and 2) people knew about them.

    It's gonna be crummy living in your car; I did it for a short before... not fun. Wasn't horrible, but you'll find yourself going on a lot of walks to stretch. Make sure to have (obviously) a couple blankets/pillows, as well as toys for your dog.

    As for talking to my school: I'm going to have to wait til Monday for that. In regards to the grades, well it was a few weeks/month into it, and since I'm taking sophomore level classes there hadn't been much of any homework/tests yet. The only class that had homework so far was my online Philosophy class, and those were just forum posts. My grades freshmen year were lackluster, as I put forth the minimal amount of effort for me to pass, meaning I got D's and C's. Yes, somehow a couple D's counted as passing the class.

    Where do you plan on sleeping overnight at? A couple places I found were in strip mall parking lots, and on the side of the road near the river, here. They've got spots that don't have a sign saying "No Overnight Parking".
  8. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Hi Jon, maybe there is some sort of veterans' reentry program? If your area has a local mental health program that also might be worth a try.

    As someone almost 3 weeks since my last attempt, I'm on pretty good terms with stress, isolation and depression. While in the psych unit the second time, it seemed to not provide a lot of help, such as living with a mental illness, or just coping. We had group classes, the minor amount were on actual useful stuff "grieving" and "dealing with anger".The more frequent ones (not kidding) involved crayon artistry or stretching exercises

    There was a "Family Session" which wasn't so much help, the family got to vent on what a terrible person I was, but also reinforced the people who really cared about me and would be as heartbroken as I was if my attempt succeeded And although the people there claimed to support me, I got a call or email a day the first week, then tapered and stopped during the second week.

    I'm glad I found this place, a lot of the support and encouragement that I need is right here, 24/7

    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 22, 2011
  9. joonior

    joonior Active Member

    First off, I'd like to congratulate you not succeeding, and finding a way to cope with what issues you were/are going through. I've been admitted 3 times (to VA facilities) and I didn't feel they were much help. The one civilian hospital I spend a couple weeks in was quite upgrade, although some of the classes (as with yours) didn't make sense, at the time. Thinking back on it, though, I believe they were trying to help people be creative and possibly release some inner troubles through it.

    Can you expand on what you mean by "veterans' reentry program"? I'll google it, but I'd like to make sure I'm on the same page as you. Thanks.
  10. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Hi Jon - I don't know if you are a US vet, but a quick search on Google yielded
    numerous sites, with the first page having several entries on health care, housing, education, many of them from the VA.

    Hope that helps.

  11. joonior

    joonior Active Member

    Thanks, I'm a US vet, btw. I'll call my OEF/OIF counselor and see if she can offer any advice towards that.
  12. joonior

    joonior Active Member

    Fuuuuuccccckkkkk.... can't believe I just now remembered that I sold 3 of my books for the stuff I needed to off myself. I can't afford to buy them again; they cost in excess of $250.

    On the plus side, I looked at the grade report and saw that there's really not TOO much I've missed. Like one test, 3 homework assignments, and a few discussion forum posts. Not sure about my physical science class, as the instructor seems to be incapable of using Angel, our school website thing.

  13. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Morning ((Jon)) glad you are still alive and kickin' atm.. any chance that a plea to your VA person that might get you back in possession of another set of textbooks??? also maybe the bookstore have a set of them in somewhat dubious shape that is cheaper now. or a fellow student that might be able to give you some time with there books??

    this is rough and hope you come up somehow with a working solution for this. will keep this ole feeble mind of mine working but don't hold your breath please. will be thinkin' and hoping for you..tc, Jim
  14. joonior

    joonior Active Member

    Thanks jim; I'm gonna see if there are any digital copies I could... get a hold of. I think I might be ok if I don't get them, but either way I'm goin' back to class! Thanks for the tips, I'll see if they're any cheaper now that the semester's underway, too!
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