I am twenty five years old. I've tried in the past to commit suicide and was held in a mental clinic for six months. That was 8 years ago. Since then I've been on and off. I feel like everyday is the same struggle. The same thing. I'm bi and have been with the same girlfriend for four years, we live together. Things are okay. We're very different, I would be talking to her right now but she isn't very good at understanding these things, and I've told her so many times before when I'm upset that I feel like a broken record, that she probably just thinks I'm a huge mental case by now. She says she doesn't, but I don't believe her. And though I love her very much, she just isn't helpful. She just doesn't understand. She always says life is worth living but I disagree. I feel like a lost cause. My aunt was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer this week. It came out of nowhere. She is my mom's best friend. She is very close to my family and has lived with us for many years. I know I should be positive but I keep coming down. I keep feeling guilty and lost and so angry. I wish it was myself and not her. I don't know how to feel. I want to be positive but in the last several months I've just continued on a downward spiral and can't get the thoughts out of my head. I don't know what to do anymore. Everyday seems like, if I may, a joke. I could easily kill myself and have everyone angry with me, or I can stay here and be miserable. I hate my job. I hate my life. I'm so convinced now, after so many years of trying to get better with medication and different outlooks, that there is no "better". That there is no light at the end of the tunnel. This issue with my aunt has pushed me over the edge and I don't know what to do. I just joined this site right now because I can't even talk to anyone anymore. I don't want anyone to stop me but I can't leave this way, either. I'm a religious person and even now I am losing faith in everything.