I don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by fairyparadise, Dec 26, 2011.

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  1. fairyparadise

    fairyparadise New Member

    I can't really believe I'm posting this here because I try to keep thinks more private but I don't really know what to do or how to feel anymore.

    I feel completely worthless and I feel like I do not deserve to live. My life is going nowhere fast and I can't seem to get out of the downward spiral.

    I did for a while; for a while I was doing better (I still had the problems but my mindset was better) but even at those times my self esteem was at 0.

    The way I see it is no ones loves me, no one will ever love me and no one has ever loved me. I'm 29 and have never had a relationship. I see people my age who are depressed and suicidal talking about how no one loves them but they have a husband/wife and children/family. I wonder "How can you feel that way when someone actually has loved you?" I feel like I should be at that point in my life but again, no one has loved me. People tell me I have to love myself before anyone can love me but again I've seen people whom that isn't true for and yet someone still loves them. I know this sounds stupid (the way I'm putting it) but I don't know how to make someone love me. Being myself doesn't work, it turns people away. This is the biggest thing for me, not feeling loved. It makes me feel 100% worthless. If no one can love me I must not be worth anything. The thought I find myself saying most often is "No one will ever love you." And it's true, they won't.

    Even if someone ever loved me I don't think I know how to feel loved because I've never had it.

    I'm also living at home with my parents (who want me gone as soon as possible) because I can't afford with my job to live on my own. I was a teacher for 4 years and got let go because of budget cuts and now I am working a minimum wage job because I can't get hired anywhere else. I don't know when I'm going to be able to afford to be independent but I don't see it being any time soon.

    I've never had a real true friend. I had one friend my entire life growing up but it was endless emotional abuse that I endured because I thought I deserved it. As I got older (and got the internet) I had a few online friendships and ended up meeting those people...only to realize they had also been emotionally abusing me the entire time I knew them. I'm to the point now where I expect my friends to abuse me and if they don't, then they must not be my friend. Right now I have 2 online friends (that is all) whom I have asked for help and one tore me down into bits and pieces. I asked him for help and he said "I've already helped you, I made you feel this way now you need to pick up your own pieces."

    I was in therapy for a few years and I now have a psychiatrist whom I see about once every 2 months (I can't afford to go often) for my medications. I'd still be going to therapy if I could afford it.

    Any one I end up talking to (besides my therapist when I had her) has given up on me, making me feel even more worthless. I feel like if they cared, if I was worth it they would never give up. But so far that hasn't happened and I've lost so many friends (whether they were real or not, I don't know) because of this.

    I don't know how to get out of this hole. I know that no one will ever love me but how to I get past that and accept it? I know I probably won't ever have a real friend who doesn't abuse me but again, how do I get past that? I have no idea how to get through this mess...
  2. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    Do you love the person you are?
  3. fairyparadise

    fairyparadise New Member

    Not in the least bit.
  4. SmilePretty

    SmilePretty Staff Alumni

    Keep trying to expose yourself to new people, expand your interests, get a new hobby or something like that. If you think that everyone you know doesn't love you then you just haven't met the right people!
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