i dont know what to do...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by kookykrazzy, Apr 30, 2012.

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  1. kookykrazzy

    kookykrazzy Member

    (sorry for the length)

    i have been pretty manic for about 3 weeks or so, its been really nice, i have lots of energy, i sing and dance in the car, i always want to be out doing something, its been really great. my grandma (who i have been living with for about a month now) asked how i was doing, so i told her that i was pretty manic and that im afraid that im going to crash some time soon. she just looked at me and told me that im not manic, im just 'happy'. so i tried to believe that, but today i started feeling like crap. i cut a couple weeks ago just because, well, thats a long story, so anywho. tonight i really really feel like cutting, i think it had to do with the fact that i accidently sliced my finger open really badly while i was with my friend, and well when i saw the blood all i wanted to do was sit and stare at it flow. but i couldnt cuz my friend was right there with her other friends. so when i got home, all i can think about is cutting, but in a little less than 2 weeks im going on vacation with my mom and sisters, and my mom would notice new scars.
    so right now im just sitting here on the couch, thinking about cutting, wanting to die. but i decided that i should go online and see if there was a place i could talk about how i was feeling. so im glad i found this place. i just hope someone will write back, i really need someone to talk too.
    but anyway, i want to cut, but im scared someone will find out, my entire family thinks i havent cut for a long time, only one person knows that i cut this last time. i told them i was feeling like crap, and they tried to help, but i didnt really let them get anything out, cuz i didnt want to hear it. i have just been thinking about different places where i could cut and people not be able to see, but its so hard, cuz my family is really open and we will change clothes in front of each other and everything, so idt where i could cut... ugh, i just really need to talk to someone i guess...
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Glad you are talking here hun Don't start up again hun you use the coping skills you learned and stop okay Go for a long walk listen to music call your friend YOu keep busy until those urges leave Keep posting here too ok it helps to let out those thoughts hugs
     
  3. kookykrazzy

    kookykrazzy Member

    well i didnt cut last night, so that was good i guess. but today my grandma and cousin (who i live with) got into a big fight over a fucking dryer, then they decided to try and drag me into their fight. it was awful, i told them not to include me, but they didnt stop. then my grandma stormed off and left me and my cousin homet, i got mad at my cousin and told him that, because he started the fight. i was so upset that i had to cut. so i went to the bathroom and slammed the door, my cousin knows that i cut, and he knew i was upset, so i waited a little to see if he would try to see if i was ok, but he never did. so i sat there and cried. i almost cut on my arm, but i luckily had enough strenth to stop myself and cut on my thigh instead. ugh, i dont know what im going to do, im going to see my mom in 9 days, idk what im going to do if she notices. or if my grandma notices for that matter. im really scared, i think my grandma is going to ask me if i cut, i dont think i will be able to tell her. im so scared. idk what to do.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    hun you tell t hem all the truth the fighting the noise upset you and you had to release the pain and if they don't understand then that is their problem hugs
     
  5. kookykrazzy

    kookykrazzy Member

    i wish it was that easy. they will get mad. i wont be able to handle that.
     
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