I thought I could change or be fixed but I have exhausted just about all hope and faith in this idea. I have been a member here for awhile but never posted anything or done anything here besides read a few threads. Yes I want to die but am too scared to take my own life right now for numerous reasons mostly because I do not want to hurt my parents and other family members and because I still have a sliver of hope that I can be fixed. I'm 35 and the battle that's going on inside me is taking such a toll I feel as if I have lived many lives. I have been depressed for quite a few years now and refused any kind of help or medicine for this because I thought I was weak If I could not fix my myself on my own. The negative thinking, regrets, constant self hatred and suicidal thoughts have completely taken control of my life!. It's as if my whole purpose in life these days is to strategically break myself down to where there is no hope and the only solution is to be punished for being the waste I am. There is no more joy or satisfaction and when I'm around other people I tend to only think how I am not good enough and it's like a broken record constantly coming up with reasons why I should die by my own hands or suffer for being so fucked up. I have thought maybe instead of ending it I need to suffer like this daily because I deserve nothing less. I hate myself with such a passion it's basically my hobby now. I know I need professional help and I want it!. I have pretty good health insurance but when I tried to see a psychologist they said they would not cover that so I of course used that as a excuse that there is no hope and it is my destiny to be this thing I have become. I have some mental illness in my family, my grandpa was manic depressive, my father a alcoholic which I battle with also (have had periods of sobriety) but am a functioning one, my uncle had schizophrenia, my mother bipolar and manic and my brother bi polar and with schizoeffective disorder and borderline autism. I have read self help books, gone to church since I was raised christian and went sober for a while but the anxiety, depression, fear and emotional pain were just too much to handle which is ironic because all these things are with me even when I drink or use marijauna which I do use both on a daily basis. I know with what ever is wrong in my brain I do not need these 2 things but without them I cannot handle my brain or the general stresses of life. So here I am expressing myself in posting this thread in hope of some advice from someone like me. I thank you in advance for reading this.