I Don't Know What To Say

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by astrife, Nov 7, 2008.

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  1. astrife

    astrife Member

    I'm a "decently" messed up guy. I'm from a classic dysfunctional family and have been sexually abused once as a child. Over the years to cope with social rejection I developed a highly narcissitic personality to compensate.

    I am a mean person unfortunately and every where I go I am know as the "arrogant guy." It is a really lonely world, and I hate the way I am but it's difficult to shed this defense mechanism. I always think I'm right, and I do not empathize with anyone. I really simply cannot feel any pain except for my own.

    All my mal-adaptive behaviors all have been accumulating over the past couple years in college: adderall addiction to do well in school, smoking lots of pot b/c I simply cannot enjoy most things without it, and increasing social isolation because I cannot relate to anyone. About a month ago I was caught smoking pot in my room (dumb I know, but for some reason I just didn't care to take precautions like I always had). My world came tumbling down as I realized that a controlled substance charge on my college disciplinary rap sheet would really hinder my grad school aspirations (which are highly tied to my own obsession with becoming better than everyone).

    I quit smoking weed and taking adderall (and I also had been thinking I didn't need my anti-depressants anymore so I had tapered myself off recently). All this together hit me like a ton of bricks and I've been suicidal for the past few weeks.

    I reached out for help to my basically not existent support network and found nothing, and I felt that if I did reach out that I would just be further ostricized.

    I told my emotionally unstable mom about all this and she called Campus Police on me to make a long story short I was admitted to a psychiatric ward. They did absolutely nothing for me, and my narcissitic personality managed to anger everyone around me. I was out after three days and before I left I was told I might have anemia because of my blood test results. Adderall has really messed up my heart and I have constant chest pain at this point. I think that my anemia might be related to the related to this pain I'm feeling.

    I don't want to go to the ER because I'm sort of hoping this condition will kill me and suicide won't be necessary. I'm completely alone in all this with no real chance of being able to express in any significant way my emotional pain to anyone because I always push everyone away.

    I tried even getting on the chatroom here and I cannot even push myself to make small talk with any of you. I feel completely useless and like a drain on society. It's hard to really see my life getting any better.
  2. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    I suppose you realize that it's possible to get out of your narcissitic rut and begin seeing the world rationally. I understand the childhood trauma stuff, but you're not a child now, and it's probably time to put those things on a shelf (or talk with a therapist about them) and make the best you can of your life.

    You are to be complimented on your ability to quit weed and Adderal, but I question the decision to stop your anti-depressant. I'm not your doctor, but your doctor might well tell you to get back on that med.

    I know exactly what you mean when you talk about hoping your medical problems will kill you. I do the same thing - sort of a passive suicide. But there's no need to be in emotional pain in the meantime by not taking a med. If you think only of yourself, you probably want to attend to your mental well being.

  3. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum. I hope you can find what you are looking for in here. You say in your post that you always push people away but the fact that you have written what you have shows me that infact you are reaching out and that is a good thing. Chat room can be a strange place at times so maybe you would be better off just getting to know your way around the place. There are some good people here and we all kind of help each other. You don't have to be anything in here other than yourself. You sound like you feel you have to prove yourself to be worthy all the time. In here you don't have to prove anything. We have all ended up here for similar reasons. I've found a great deal of help and support from lots of people here. Give people and yourself a chance. If you want to talk feel free to contact me anytime. Best of luck.S.:smile:
  4. astrife

    astrife Member

    In my foggy haze of a mind I forgot to mention I've been back on the anti-depressant since this all started, but unfortunately it cannot even save me now.

    Thank you all for your comments.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey astrife,
    It can take up to six weeks before your meds do what they are designed to do. Sometimes you need to be on a regiment of meds to help fight off your other problems. I take Paxil, Cogentin, Geodon, Lamitcal, and other meds from my regular doctor.
    You know there are behavioral therapists you can see to help make you a more social person. There also is group therapy to talk out your problems with others in person. Then you also have us.Take Care and I hope you get some help. Stay Strong!!~Joseph~
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