I'm a "decently" messed up guy. I'm from a classic dysfunctional family and have been sexually abused once as a child. Over the years to cope with social rejection I developed a highly narcissitic personality to compensate. I am a mean person unfortunately and every where I go I am know as the "arrogant guy." It is a really lonely world, and I hate the way I am but it's difficult to shed this defense mechanism. I always think I'm right, and I do not empathize with anyone. I really simply cannot feel any pain except for my own. All my mal-adaptive behaviors all have been accumulating over the past couple years in college: adderall addiction to do well in school, smoking lots of pot b/c I simply cannot enjoy most things without it, and increasing social isolation because I cannot relate to anyone. About a month ago I was caught smoking pot in my room (dumb I know, but for some reason I just didn't care to take precautions like I always had). My world came tumbling down as I realized that a controlled substance charge on my college disciplinary rap sheet would really hinder my grad school aspirations (which are highly tied to my own obsession with becoming better than everyone). I quit smoking weed and taking adderall (and I also had been thinking I didn't need my anti-depressants anymore so I had tapered myself off recently). All this together hit me like a ton of bricks and I've been suicidal for the past few weeks. I reached out for help to my basically not existent support network and found nothing, and I felt that if I did reach out that I would just be further ostricized. I told my emotionally unstable mom about all this and she called Campus Police on me to make a long story short I was admitted to a psychiatric ward. They did absolutely nothing for me, and my narcissitic personality managed to anger everyone around me. I was out after three days and before I left I was told I might have anemia because of my blood test results. Adderall has really messed up my heart and I have constant chest pain at this point. I think that my anemia might be related to the related to this pain I'm feeling. I don't want to go to the ER because I'm sort of hoping this condition will kill me and suicide won't be necessary. I'm completely alone in all this with no real chance of being able to express in any significant way my emotional pain to anyone because I always push everyone away. I tried even getting on the chatroom here and I cannot even push myself to make small talk with any of you. I feel completely useless and like a drain on society. It's hard to really see my life getting any better.