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I don't know what to say.

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#1
I'm new here, and I know what it's like to deal with the loss of someone you love to suicide. My best friend in the hole world killed himself. It killed me, and made me feel even more horrible for wanting that same thing on and off for years.

Now here I am trying to fight those urges off. It's just so hard to live in so much pain. I'm tired of being alone. I keep trying to find a way to fill that hole in my life (maybe I need a cat), but I still feel the pain of having all of my friends turn their backs on me.

People still think that I have it all together, that I'm this big artist, with an amazing new family, so no one bothers to stop by and say hi. After I had my little boy, I've been alone, and in the house for more than a year now. I've been friendless but for my best friend for 7 years now, and now he's gone forever. I have no one, but my husband, and I just seem to depress my little boy, and my love all the time. I'm always working on being pretty, getting even thinner, and it's all for nothing.
 
#3
Elsewhere,
First off I would like to welcome you to the forum. Second of all I know exactly what you are going through. Although the friend that killed himself was also my fiance and I was 6 and a half months pregnant. It has been 4 years now almost 5 and I still cant get over the loss of his life. I am now married and have a beautiful son and am pregnant again but I still think about him constantly and I miss him every day of my life and sometimes more on some days.
I wish that I could say it will get easier one day but I am not sure that it will. It is still hard on me. All you can do is think about the good times you had with him because that is what he would want you to do. I know how hard it is to keep on living but you got to do it. You have a child who needs you and a husband who loves you. Try talking to him about it. I have found that it does help talking about the person.
If you ever need to talk feel free to pm me. I will get back to you as soon as you get on. I should be getting on more again cuz I am finally off of bed rest. Just think about the good times you had with him sweetie. He may be gone off of this Earth but he will always remain with you because he will be in your heart, soul and mind for forever. Take care and I love you. Once again welcome to the forum. I truly hope that you find all the support that it is you need. :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss

With Love,
Crystal :hug: :cheekkiss
 

amee

Active Member
#5
I'm new here, and I know what it's like to deal with the loss of someone you love to suicide. My best friend in the hole world killed himself. It killed me, and made me feel even more horrible for wanting that same thing on and off for years.
So ... you understand both sides, and he'd understand what you're going through. It's ok to feel despair. Just remember that how you care about him *is* how he cared about you; he'd sympathise, but also value you the way you valued him.

Now here I am trying to fight those urges off. It's just so hard to live in so much pain. I'm tired of being alone. I keep trying to find a way to fill that hole in my life (maybe I need a cat), but I still feel the pain of having all of my friends turn their backs on me.
I hear ya, angel. A lot of people aren't prepared for the depth of relationship that artists seem to want, even from platonic friends. I've had to learn that "normal" people won't base part of their lives on me, that they'll move on and have their own plans.

The internet is different in that regard; you can get incredibly close friends who will share the most intimate details of their lives and bring you everywhere with them. And now you find yourself with a whole forum, ne? :)

People still think that I have it all together, that I'm this big artist, with an amazing new family, so no one bothers to stop by and say hi.
Tell somebody. No, you don't have to go into detail, just "Hey, I actually get kinda lonely. Want to hang out sometime?" would suffice.

Then come here and vent when you aren't feeling Wonder-Woman'ish. ;)

After I had my little boy, I've been alone, and in the house for more than a year now. I've been friendless but for my best friend for 7 years now, and now he's gone forever. I have no one, but my husband, and I just seem to depress my little boy, and my love all the time. I'm always working on being pretty, getting even thinner, and it's all for nothing.
I hear ya. You're in a place now where prettier, thinner, etc. won't be expected of you. You're lovely how you are and people just want to support you through this dark time. *offers hugs*

--A
 
#6
Thank you all so much for the kind words. I just realized that I've stopped living these last few months. I don't even eat anymore =\

It means the world to me to hear fron all of you. I feel better today, so I'm thinking that there may be a way out of this for me, a way to feel truly happy again, or at least I might find enough hope to give me the strength to deal with my life as it is.

Crystal- Thank you for sharing your story with me. It means the world to me to know that I'm not alone. I am so sorry for your loss. I'm also in awe of your amazing strength. Congratulations on finding your new family, and on finding the strength to raise your sweet baby. Feel free to message me anytime.

Amee- I think you are so right about artists...WOW! I really do seem to seek a profound relationship with everyone I know. I guess it's just the way I am. I'll try to keep that in mind when I am around more average people/friends. I should not try to put so much pressure on the people around me. Maybe they just want to chat for a sec, and then go on their way. Everyone is different.

Update: I'm going to get back into my crafts, as well as my art. To keep me moving, and positive. At the moment I'm doing, fine art, silkscreening/printing, graphic design, making soap, clothing design/sewing, spinning/dying yarn, and knitting. I'm also planning on getting back into ballet. Dance also makes me happy. I'm thinking that a trip out of town may perk me up as well. I've been stuck in a stuffy house changing dirty diapers for way to long! I have always tended to be a sad/tired person, so I hope that if I keep moving that I can get back to living again. Wish me luck ^_^
 
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#10
:welcome: elsewhere. it sounds like you have made the decision to try to take control of your life back. i wish you all the luck you may need to accomplish this goal. As others have stated, you are welcome here to share whatever you feel you need to with us. We do not expect things of you, other than for you to be who you are. Please take care. I am here if you need someone to talk with. I too have lost dear ones to suicide. :hug:
 
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