I don't know what to...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by nelly2266, Mar 3, 2015.

  1. nelly2266

    nelly2266 New Member

    I feel miserable, not only because of the shit I'm going through but because I feel like I'm the only 19 year old stressing (among my friends, college friends etc). The only reason that shitty things happen to me is because I'm ignorant and because of my really low self steem. So first off, this year started out awful. The guy I was talking to for a couple of months decided to completly ignore me and when I got a hold of him, he said he needed a break and that he didn't see how things are working out anymore. Haven't heard from him since. I mean by now I'm over it, but there are days when I wonder why he did what he did? Yes I'm not perfect, but I was there for him and I cared. When he did that, my self steem just dropped even lower. Anyway, just a couple of weeks ago I got a job at this strict fancy restaurant, got it on the first interview. I was so excited because I would be making more money, meet new people etc. I even put my two weeks at my (current) job. I had two days of training, took the tests etc and then the manager decided to tell me it's not working out, because he had a meeting with the people who were training me, and they all came to the conclusion that I'm too timid and need way more experience (coming from the same guy that hired me in the first place). I even told him about how I already quit my other job and that I'll try harder etc he didn't care. He said obviously they saw something in me, but it just wasn't going to work out (that's kinda what the guy I talked to for months did to me, as I mentioned in the beginning. Coincidence?). Wow. So now I feel hopeless and like a failure cause I couldn't even keep a job at a damn restaurant (bussboy). They even talked about me becoming a waitress soon, they got my hopes up high for nothing. I already told everyone about the job but my parents already know what happened and I'm so embarrassed to tell my friends. The whole situation is just so humiliating and that's what makes it even worse. I have NOONE to talk to this about. Yes, I have "close friends" but I'm jealous of their great life's. I know their life's aint perfect, but I don't want them feeling sorry for me again.I don't want to make my parents feel bad or be a bad example to my brother, so I just joke about the whole thing and laugh a lot. Now I'm at my current job and im joking with the residents and trying to push things to the side for the time being. Maybe those two things weren't meant for me at all. I'm so scared things won't get better like in the back of my head I know they will but idk. I'm not a bad person I mean yea I can be moody, lazy and really shy at times. I feel so alone and feel like killing myself at times. But then I think of how much I love my parents, about getting into my dream nursing school about supporting my parents in the future and being a great example for my brother. But there are times when I just want to give up. My mom always says I was meant to be here for a reason but I can't seem to find one. I feel like I was meant to be here to make people feel better about themselves when they're next to me and hear about my shitty life. I'm about to turn 20 in 2 weeks, and I'm still the same shitty, awk, shy girl I was 10 years ago. I want to change but it's hard. I envy my friends when I see how they party, have their boyfriends, good jobs. Me? I hate partying but I would love to have fun or at least find a guy who cares about me (I could but I'm stupid and pushed the good guys away for a douche). I feel like Im going to end up alone because I push people away, when they do come my way. I choose the wrong guys and I do things without thinking. I blame myself for my shitty life. I don't want to be here anymore, but I think that the only thing holding me together are my parents. I love them so much but I'm tired of feeling like shit 24/7.