I wasn't always like this, I was normal once and happy and had no intentions of killing myself. but then something shitty happened and I guess it triggered this fucked up part of me that was always on the sidelines. I'm realistic and pessimistic. I'm very self destructive, I cut myself, smoke, do reckless things. I'd do drugs and drink but those cost money which I don't have. I often think about selling my body for a few bucks, but there are cutting scars everywhere. I'm suicidal. I'm pretty sure I have depression. I avoid building emotional connections to everyone, that's the worst. I don't talk to people more than I have to, I have little empathy for most people, and when I do it doesn't go very deep. Sometimes I want to help people but I don't want to get personally/emotionally involved. I have a fear/ of hurting others, being a burden to them, causing them discomfort, wasting other people's money and time and effort and energy, being trouble, ect. I feel like I am all those things even when I might not be and it makes me feel horrible so I think about running away or killing myself so everyone can finally be at peace. Also, as a result I hate myself every time I eat anything because I feel like it's wasted on me. I have no interest in anything and zero energy to become mentally involved, so needless to say I have no future. I don't tell anyone this because I don't want to bother anyone with my stupid problems. idk I'm just wondering is these are symptoms of something specific or not?