I don't know what's wrong with me.

I wasn't always like this, I was normal once and happy and had no intentions of killing myself. but then something shitty happened and I guess it triggered this fucked up part of me that was always on the sidelines.

I'm realistic and pessimistic. I'm very self destructive, I cut myself, smoke, do reckless things. I'd do drugs and drink but those cost money which I don't have. I often think about selling my body for a few bucks, but there are cutting scars everywhere. I'm suicidal. I'm pretty sure I have depression. I avoid building emotional connections to everyone, that's the worst. I don't talk to people more than I have to, I have little empathy for most people, and when I do it doesn't go very deep. Sometimes I want to help people but I don't want to get personally/emotionally involved. I have a fear/ of hurting others, being a burden to them, causing them discomfort, wasting other people's money and time and effort and energy, being trouble, ect. I feel like I am all those things even when I might not be and it makes me feel horrible so I think about running away or killing myself so everyone can finally be at peace.
Also, as a result I hate myself every time I eat anything because I feel like it's wasted on me.
I have no interest in anything and zero energy to become mentally involved, so needless to say I have no future.

I don't tell anyone this because I don't want to bother anyone with my stupid problems.

idk I'm just wondering is these are symptoms of something specific or not?

 

Hello!
I am sorry to hear about the way you are feeling, but I can say that I relate to some parts of it…self hating and the fear to attach to people (but in my case it has other reasons).
Having low confidence in yourself can make you more sensitive to rejection and even gestures that are not intended to be rough can make it seem like a hostile attitude.
I guess people are often self absorbed and leave the impression that they are bothered by someone when they are so upset by things that happen inside them that they do not take the time to think about the way they affect others.
Also, I think most people enjoy being cared for or receiving attention, so I don’t think they will be bothered by you if you tried to make a connection…
I am sorry I can’t help you much… Would you be willing to share what triggered your depression, if you are feeling comfortable enough?

 

Perhaps Butterfly, the emotional connections of a sort that you make here are a starting place - perhaps all you might need for now, to help you to start to feel better about yourself. There IS a ladder out of your pit of self hatred, into self-acceptance. We "just" have to find the first rung of the ladder, and the assurance that there will be the necessary support to carry on climbing out - one rung at a time - not all at once, because then we'd not have the time for the process to mature us - and like the best whiskey, this takes time. It's taken me more years than I'd like to admit to, to understand this and to realise why our pits happen and the purpose of them, and it's not an easy thing to explain in a couple of lines - but with an emotional connection of sorts - one of help and support - we can make a start.