Hello. I think I'm confused. I'm here because even though I've been suicidal since a long time ago, I feel everything just running thin lately. I'm Chinese (seems like almost everyone else I've been reading is non-asian?) and residing in a terribly stressful country with a super dense population (not China. lol). In typical asian style, depression/psychological problems are not to be talked about, and if you visit a mental hospital/shrink/take pills for it, it's gonna spread to your entire extended family and your parents will 'lose face', so that's not an option. I don't mean to 'brag' because it's nothing to be proud about, but factually speaking, my life seems good. I've been an ace student attending elite schools and scoring better than the average student. No 'family problems'. I'm also very active in school life and have several leadership titles and awards. It wasn't parental stress either, just an over achiever by nature, or simply competitive. Singapore is strict so I don't do drugs, I'm not interested in alcohol, clubbing, or smoking. I have many friends... or maybe 'had' is more accurate. I first felt suicidal when I was 11 (I'm 22 now) though I can't remember why. People generally consider me outgoing and friendly because I am chatty, but I'm really uncomfortable in social situations and I hate to make new friends. I only do so when it's my responsibility (as a leader etc.), so people including my best friend who has known me for 7 years think I'm kidding when I say I'm awkward to make new friends. To cut the long story short, I recently feel like all my friends are taking me as a joke. No one takes me seriously. When I say I'm sad, or depressed even, I question myself on whether I'm exaggerating my feelings because no one bothers. I've been angry at every single thing since a couple of years ago, there's a rage I can't control when something goes wrong and I hit things a lot... or something. Little things like a stranger accidentally bumping me in public gets me angry, and sometimes even bad smells on public transportation, or something someone is wearing gets me angry. I didn't realise isolation is a symptom of depression until I read the forum FAQ an hour back. But I've been cutting off contact with my friends until I was left with 5 close ones and just this morning I sent all of them an angry message and told them never to contact me again because I felt they were all too busy to care about me. I used to be uncomfortable around strangers only, but when I had a dinner with them recently, I got really worked up at a joke they made and ended up staying out of conversation entirely the whole dinner and walking out on them at the end. My problem is I can't find the root to my issues. I don't know why I'm so angry all the time and why I hate everything. When I'm happy it's more like short thrills (especially when I was with my friends) but the moment I'm alone I feel terrible. Also, I tend to block out bad memories a lot so I can't remember. My sister moved overseas recently and ironically we started talking more. I found out from her that my dad had been violent with us when we were kids (he had strangled me, tied us up, and tried to push my mum out the window of our 9 storey apartment) but I can't remember a thing even though I was 11 when he strangled me. I remember he had anger issues. But I had always imagined abuse as something much worse so I had thought for 22 years of my life that fathers doing this to kids was perfectly normal. Also I was shocked to discover my sister (elder) had attempted suicide several times and failed. She's even more popular and outgoing than me, and unimaginably charismatic; haven't met anyone who doesn't like her. So it came as a shock to me. And even more so that she has ALSO cut off all ties with her friends. Looks like we are both walking the same path, and I don't even know why and what to do. I'm so sorry for ranting here on my first post but I'm really at my wit's end and I'm just not doing it because I don't even want to start wondering how much money of my parents I've spent without paying them back, and how they are going to explain to my relatives. I guess in my country, everything is about money and status. And the one thing I can remember about my dad when I was a kid is him saying that daughters are useless and he's wasting money paying school fees, and we should just stay home and do the housework. lol. So anyway I'm kind of just deciding it was my parents that made my sister and me turn out like this, lol, I'm not trying to push the blame or anything, just wondering if that's the case then it's irreversible then? I've worked my hardest at every single thing in my life, slogged so damn hard, but I feel extremely worthless, I'm not happy with everything I am. I know what I want in life, but I don't have the confidence to go out and do it since my parents say I am hopeless.