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I don't know what's wrong

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by joichiro, Jul 13, 2013.

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  1. joichiro

    joichiro New Member

    Hello. I think I'm confused.
    I'm here because even though I've been suicidal since a long time ago, I feel everything just running thin lately.
    I'm Chinese (seems like almost everyone else I've been reading is non-asian?) and residing in a terribly stressful country with a super dense population (not China. lol). In typical asian style, depression/psychological problems are not to be talked about, and if you visit a mental hospital/shrink/take pills for it, it's gonna spread to your entire extended family and your parents will 'lose face', so that's not an option.

    I don't mean to 'brag' because it's nothing to be proud about, but factually speaking, my life seems good.
    I've been an ace student attending elite schools and scoring better than the average student. No 'family problems'. I'm also very active in school life and have several leadership titles and awards. It wasn't parental stress either, just an over achiever by nature, or simply competitive.

    Singapore is strict so I don't do drugs, I'm not interested in alcohol, clubbing, or smoking. I have many friends...
    or maybe 'had' is more accurate.

    I first felt suicidal when I was 11 (I'm 22 now) though I can't remember why. People generally consider me outgoing and friendly because I am chatty, but I'm really uncomfortable in social situations and I hate to make new friends. I only do so when it's my responsibility (as a leader etc.), so people including my best friend who has known me for 7 years think I'm kidding when I say I'm awkward to make new friends.

    To cut the long story short, I recently feel like all my friends are taking me as a joke. No one takes me seriously. When I say I'm sad, or depressed even, I question myself on whether I'm exaggerating my feelings because no one bothers. I've been angry at every single thing since a couple of years ago, there's a rage I can't control when something goes wrong and I hit things a lot... or something. Little things like a stranger accidentally bumping me in public gets me angry, and sometimes even bad smells on public transportation, or something someone is wearing gets me angry.
    I didn't realise isolation is a symptom of depression until I read the forum FAQ an hour back. But I've been cutting off contact with my friends until I was left with 5 close ones and just this morning I sent all of them an angry message and told them never to contact me again because I felt they were all too busy to care about me. I used to be uncomfortable around strangers only, but when I had a dinner with them recently, I got really worked up at a joke they made and ended up staying out of conversation entirely the whole dinner and walking out on them at the end.

    My problem is I can't find the root to my issues. I don't know why I'm so angry all the time and why I hate everything. When I'm happy it's more like short thrills (especially when I was with my friends) but the moment I'm alone I feel terrible. Also, I tend to block out bad memories a lot so I can't remember. My sister moved overseas recently and ironically we started talking more. I found out from her that my dad had been violent with us when we were kids (he had strangled me, tied us up, and tried to push my mum out the window of our 9 storey apartment) but I can't remember a thing even though I was 11 when he strangled me. I remember he had anger issues. But I had always imagined abuse as something much worse so I had thought for 22 years of my life that fathers doing this to kids was perfectly normal.

    Also I was shocked to discover my sister (elder) had attempted suicide several times and failed. She's even more popular and outgoing than me, and unimaginably charismatic; haven't met anyone who doesn't like her. So it came as a shock to me. And even more so that she has ALSO cut off all ties with her friends. Looks like we are both walking the same path, and I don't even know why and what to do.

    I'm so sorry for ranting here on my first post but I'm really at my wit's end and I'm just not doing it because I don't even want to start wondering how much money of my parents I've spent without paying them back, and how they are going to explain to my relatives. I guess in my country, everything is about money and status. And the one thing I can remember about my dad when I was a kid is him saying that daughters are useless and he's wasting money paying school fees, and we should just stay home and do the housework. lol.

    So anyway I'm kind of just deciding it was my parents that made my sister and me turn out like this, lol, I'm not trying to push the blame or anything, just wondering if that's the case then it's irreversible then? I've worked my hardest at every single thing in my life, slogged so damn hard, but I feel extremely worthless, I'm not happy with everything I am. I know what I want in life, but I don't have the confidence to go out and do it since my parents say I am hopeless.
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to SF!

    I hope you are able to find us useful, we are here to listen. I'm sorry that you have been struggling for so long. There isn't always a reason for depression, sometimes it just happens and it can affect anyone. Have you tried talking to your sister about your ffeelings? Being in the same boat she may understand how you feel and may be a source of ssupport for you.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...your father's past behavior sounds abusive which can leave terrible scars for the children...we all experience things differently, and remember what we can handle...as you said it is culturally difficult to access mental health care, maybe a reputable online service might be helpful...anger is a complex reaction...classically, it is viewed as a defense against sadness, but is mostly used as a power when someone feels impotent to express him/herself in any other way...maybe starting a journal and seeing what you are really saying to yourself might be helpful and finding someone either professionally trained or enlightened to work with you...so glad you found us and please continue to write...you will be surprised how many Asian members we have or members in metro areas who are familiar with Asian cultures...welcome again
  4. joichiro

    joichiro New Member

    Hi and thank you for reading through that extremely long post and for your replies...
    I did talk to my sister but it seems we both use anger and isolation for this and right now we only have each other. My parents just pretend to ignore whatever problems there are in this family.

    I think you (sadeyes) might be right about the anger part :( and I stopped writing journals because I felt I was exaggerating my situation as I wrote to make a better story, and just increased my self-pity... lol.
    Thanks anyway, I'll be going to read other threads...
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi. Welcome to sf ! I think your post was very articulate and easy to read. I can undrstand why you and your sister are having so much trouble. Abuse leaves deep wounds. And the wounds are no less with mental/emotional abuse. The scars remain on the psyche until they can be dealt with and healed.

    I do like Sadeyes idea about the possibility of finding help online. I have heard that beneeth anger is great pain. It is the roots of anger. So your anger, and your pain has very logical roots. Childhood abuse. People can try to hide this away. But at some point it no longer can be hidden.

    i completely understand why you cannot seek help where you live. But please know that the anger and pain you speak of is not your fault. And you are not a bad person or daughter. You had a father who abused you. And you are seeing the reults of that.

    You said that your sister moved overseas recently. Perhaps someday you also could do that. And then you might be in a safer place to work on the abuse that has caused the pain and anger. Please try to remember that no child ever should be abused. And when they are, they should never be blamed for the injuries to the emotions or psyche. And of course they should hopefuly not blame themselves for this. Because none of it was their fault. None of the pain ( the roots of the anger) you feel is your fault. Not at all. Please keep posting. I am so glad you are here. Seriously !
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 14, 2013
  6. joichiro

    joichiro New Member

    Hi flowers,

    thank you for your reply. I still find myself questioning whether it was considered as abuse since it wasn't frequent... and if that is the true cause of my current problems? or just an excuse? I keep wondering.

    This stopped when I 'grew up'; I think my father wanted to 'redeem' himself and he became nicer and more generous with money and such, but my sister and I never got closer to him. But I guess both my parents consider this problem as 'past' so they assume my sister and I are fine.

    My sister actually went overseas without approval. She settled all her permits and housing etc. without my parents knowledge and was gone 2 weeks after her graduation. As much as I would like to leave, my mother is really unwilling to let me go (it's just such a weird situation where she thinks im hopeless at what I'm doing yet refuses to let me leave her side. Sometimes I think she just wants someone to be there, but not necessarily me) and I feel responsible to be here since my sister is already overseas and I don't wish for my parents to be lonely as well... I keep thinking it's perhaps some strange chinese culture that parents want to stick with their kids forever even if they don't love them anymore.

    I will try my best to find online help... I was looking a while back but to no avail. Thanks all for listening and your advice :)
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Joichiro, I understand you questioning if it is abuse. Doing so is oh so common. To question the abuse. I too would question the abuse I experienced. "well sometimes she was good to me" Or "well I am overly sensitive" etc.

    In my opinion, abuse does not have to be frequent to be damaging. Not at all. You wonder if it is the true cause of your current problems or just an excuse. You are not alone in questioning these things. The self blame, the varying levels of questioning. They are all the legacy of abuse. Self blame is a very common manifestation of abuse. I spent years sometimes believing the abuse. Other days thinking I was exaggerating or just making it up as an excuse. I am not alone in this.

    I think the denial of abuse stems sometimes from survival technique. When children are young they have to live in a house with the person who is not always safe. Even if that lack of safety stems only from emotional or mental abuse, it is unsafe. So in order to survive in the home the child creates a shield of denial. When the child grows up the denial is still there. And so it becomes confusing. The abuser or abusers usually do not admit to what they have done. And so the adult now can feel they are betraying the parent if they fully believe they were harmed. This can cause feelings of guilt for believing the abuse. Resolving all the issues is a process. A process of healing. A process that takes time. A healing journey.

    I do believe you were abused. I know for a fact that infrequent abuse is still abuse. I can give you one good example of why. when a child is abused, the child then lives in fear for the next time. Trust and safety are stolen. Even when the abuse comes infrequently. Because the child never knows when the next abuse will happen. The child often blames themselves. The child often thinks they have to be better. Be good. Be careful. etc. Innocence, safety is stolen. Even with infrequent abuse. So I do believe that the abuse absolutely was enough to cause the current problems you experience. And just because the abuse stops after a certain age does not mean that the child regains trust and emotional health. it is not as simple as that.

    Also when children are abused, they are given negative messages about themselves. They often internalize these messages. The child and eventually adult then give the messages to themsevles.

    I do hear you about not being able to leave at this time because it is part of the Chinese culture to take care of the parent's needs. I can only hope that somehow you find a way to healing and the good life that you so deserve.

    Some people consider the folks here to be their family and true community. They feel heard... no matter what. In a non judging loving way. Maybe this can eventually become true for you. That you can find the love and acceptance here.
  8. joichiro

    joichiro New Member

    Thanks for everything, I really appreciate all these words; it makes me feel better already to be taken seriously for once.
    I'm going to read your words again every time I feel down. haha.
    I guess... it's all up to me to be stronger and grow out of it... haha.
    I don't know if it's a pattern but my first boyfriend reminded me so much of my dad as he was kind of violent with me too. I was wondering if my low self-worthiness attracts such people to myself. lol. But it's ok I decided I shall stay out of relationships for now (Y)

    You are such a sweet person :') I hope you're living the good life you so deserve too!
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. Sorry it took me so long to read and get back to you. I have respect for you. I want to let you know that. I am not sure that they way to heal abuse is to "be stronger and grow out of it" I say this only because you deserve more kindness than that. I believe that somehow you will find the help you deserve to begin to heal friom the abuse. Regarding the boyfriend, I have heard it said that we attract people into our lives that present the same challenge is the primary relationship that needs to be healed. And its not a bad thing. Because with each person we do attract like this, we do have yet another opportunity to see it and do some healing. Having said that, yes it may be much easier to stay out of relationships if they are going to be abusive. You do not have a problem seeing what you need to work on. Thats good. But as with most people who have been abused, it is all too easy to go into self blame. Rather than to feel compassion and understanding for yourself. But this is the legecy of abuse. It can be healed. You are a good person. I can tell that by your words. I can feel your good heart. Please just know that ! The wounding can be healed. But the good news is that you are a lovely person. I will continue to tell you the truth. And it will be truth that shows you the hope that you deserve to see
  10. angelicgoddessofdeath

    angelicgoddessofdeath Active Member

    I know what it's like. No, I'm not Asian but that doesn't change the fact that growing up I did really well with my school grades and I was popular with all the kids. My mother have some crazy mental issues and my father was not even in my life. So all I had to depend upon was my abusive mother. Whenever I tried to reach out at school, everyone thought that I was some kind of joke. They wanted proof that I was abused. Kids started to make fun of me and I stopped being popular. Teachers even made fun of me and told me that I was a failure and that I shouldn't make up stories about my mother hurting me. That child abuse is serious and joking was not tolerated. So I would resort to attemptive suicide. Didn't work. And if I were to tell anybody in my family that I wanted die, I would have brought shame to my family.
    My situation is not the same as yours, however, I feel as though I do understand.
  11. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    ouch. I am so sorry that all happened to you. Thats horrible !!!
    not being believed is .... well... perpetuating abuse. It honestly is. Not believing someones story about their abuse... is abusive. In my own expereince when I finally believed myself, then other people believed me. but that was just my own expereince.
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