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I don't know where I stand anymore ...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by sashimi, Sep 10, 2014.

  1. sashimi

    sashimi New Member

    So this is going to be a long post and to anybody who was raped or beaten I want to say that there will be triggers in this post so if you don't feel ok with your past don't read it !

    The story of my life beginns even before I was born, and some of those things were only told me yesterday, finally adding those missing pieces explaining the links between each event.

    As it seems my mother grew up quite good, with caring parents and no real problems. Until one day her brother, my uncle, aged 12 at that time was raped in school by classmates. Later on he repeatedly raped my mother, aged 13 at that time. As I was told, their mother knew this and told nobody, unfortunately she died one year later of breast cancer. My grandfather then went workaholic, he told me that it was the easiest way for him to take care of his problems ... He fled ...

    For my uncle things then went quick, he became gay and a year later my grandfather threw him out of the house. I saw him a few times as a child but it was very rare, although when I was 12 he asked my if i was already msturbating and wanted to know how I was doing that. What he was asking from me made me feel very uncomfortable but he stopped after a few questions and went away. That was the last time I saw him, nobody know now where his is, just years later I was told what happend to him an what he has done.

    My mother on her side went schizophrenic after the death of her mother and the raping. Those things had later a very big impact on my childhood and even my present.

    After those events nobody told me what realy happened. Somehow she managed to grow up and my grandfather even had a new girlfriend who brought her daughter in the relation. My mother had also then a "sister" and her relations were very good and friendly.

    Aged 22 she married my father and two years later I was born, a healthy boy who did not know what horrible things already happened and what horrific thing would later on happen to him.
    When I was 3 months old my mother wanted to kill herself. And she wanted to take me with her, she didn't want to "let me behind". So she tried to drawn me in the bath tub. As life left my body she realised what she was doing and called an ambulance. I had pneumonia after that event and stayed for 3 months in hospital. When i came out, a judge gave me to my grandparents for one year and then back to my parents, thinking that my mother was healed ... What an error ...

    The slowly thing begin to be memmories for me, moments I was there, not some things that I was told, things I remember, things that shaped me, things that now make me write those lines, make me sometimes cry, often angry, unfortunately things that I can never change. The only thing left for me to do is make the best out of it, learn something from it and never ever commit the same errors.

    My earlyest childhood memory brings me now to my father of whom I yet haven't told much. I don't exactly remeber what age I had bud I remember wearing pampers and that I was smaller than all the rest, that I even had difficultyes reaching the door knob. I was sick, wanted to threw up. I remember that I head to ask for permission on everything, even there to go to the toilet, and that's what I made that day. I opened the door, it was night, and yelled "Can I go to the toilet please", being sick and given the time my father took for giving me an answer let me feel the moment of throwing up came closer. I didn't arrive to the toiled, there was a long corridor I had to pass, I threw up on the way and fell, with my face splashing into the vomit. My father hearing noises rushed out of his room and kicked me in my belly, making me slide through the whole corridor in my own vomit and let me there, crying. That night nobody came for me; nobody took care, I was left crying, covered in vomit, lying on the floor ...

    The things I know about my dad is that he also was beaten in his childhood by his father, with a belt, and that nobody wanted to believe him, as he had 4 brothers and 1 sister and only one brother was also later beaten by theyr father.

    As this story is very difficult for me I will wait a while before continuing writing because all of this is so complicated to explain and reaches deep in the whole family structure. I think I'm writing this to help myself, and perhaps somebody will learn through that story to not commit the same errors.

    For now I'll stop because I have to attend to the burrial of my mother, she commited suicide 3 days ago, abandoning me one more time, but definitely the last ... I'm now 28, have a wonderfull wife but I now have to rebuild my whole life and hopefully writing all this will help my in this.
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Firstly I would like to say welcome to SF. This is a wonderful community where people can talk about any number of issues as well as any good stuff that goes on (don't forget the good stuff, life is not completely doom and gloom) - and a number of people will have understandings of various things that may trouble you. Don't rush in, unless you feel comfortable writing things down, and if you have any questions, then you can always ask any of our members.

    Do take a little bit of time though to read the FAQ, a number of potential questions could be answered with a read through of what this site entails.

    While I do not understand what it is like to lose a mother who has committed suicide - I had an uncle do that in January this year, so partial understanding is there. As for the behaviour of your father, it could be a cased of "learned behaviours" - he learned that when he was young and may have grown up with the belief that what he did was right (even though categorically it wasn't).

    I can remember days that I wasn't necessarily beaten to the extent you were, but it was more as I actually did wrong I occasionally got a slipper, or a wooden spoon across the backside. It turned out to not do me any harm in getting a minor physical warning that as I did wrong, I'd get something I wouldn't like in return, as a way of teaching me never to do it again.

    And what i'd suggest to you, is that when you can, keep the focus on the fact that you have a wonderful wife - and that you still have (on approximate life expectancy) - a good 30-50 years ahead of you, in which to live rather than be held back by the past. The past only serves one purpose, in as much as it shapes who and how we are. But it doesn't mean we have to live in it, as that would take away from us the moments we have in the present, or the future we can aspire to build.

    It's a shame your family have treated you with disrespect and contempt. As well as losing someone who wanted to take you with them out of this life, that's a lot to carry on your shoulders. I would say you've done nothing wrong, and to have found someone supportive (and willing to accept hand in marriage), that's a mark of your own inner strength that you may not believe exists. I applaud you for that. It takes more courage to fight against all the bad stuff and still live through it than it does to end the pain with a "one-way out" -> because you're actually giving yourself a chance of living while all around you may have crumbled.

    If you do need any other questions answered - you can always send me a PM - click my username then "send private message" from the box that pops up. I'll reply when I can - as long as you remember - there's no rush. :)