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i don't know where i stand

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The Scream

Well-Known Member
#1
so i quit school, an office job is really not my thing

i always lived my life till now with my dream being me killing myself

you know how little kids have dreams of becoming a doctor or whatever or even people my age... they have dreams of making it one way or the other

and my dream for a quite a long time... hmm... 5/6 years? if not longer... was to succesfully kill myself... and instead of changing careers like a normal person i changed methods of ending it...

i don't know what got me so far... but somehow, i seem to doubt my dreams lately... maybe i shouldn't kill myself... maybe i should try and find my purpose in life like others are trying... aren't you just a sick figure if people around you are trying so hard and me being a lazy ass fuck and not even trying... not even giving life a thought... dead is constantly on my mind... escaping, getting away from this cruel fucked up world

my head feels like it's about to explode

inside im just packed with fear, pain... and perhaps anger? anger towards those that gave birth to me just to fuck me over and leave me to face this motherfucking system alone

im used to their dirty laughs, i don't even notice it anymore
it's like without parents your a nobody in this world
especially if you're below 18
so many dirty faces... fuck careworkers fuck them all

i love escaping reality... not having to face it... not having to feel the constant pain
being society's disgrace... this time, not because someone else chose to fuck me over and leave me with no choice but because i want to be society's disgrace... cause society's sick and i don't want to be part of it

why would i want to help run something that destroyed me? stupid motherfucking careworkers... they had to take the parent role... and i don't know who fucked me up the most, my parents or them... their psychological game, it's so nasty....

i love living life this way... no job, no school, im out of their stupid system
in fact, they pay me, social security system, ha... and i spent it on what they hate the most probably :D

today i met a woman... she was walking her dog outside... and it was dark... i was on my longboard... had just left someone's house... hadn't been there before so i had asked her directions to central station... poor old woman, she was all worried... so sweet... she gave me directions... but it were a bunch of lefts and rights... so on the corner of the street i stopped, called a friend so he'd pick me up... and 5 mins later i saw the old woman again, she had dropped her dog home and came on her scooter and said she was on her way of finding me to drop me off at central station... i told her i took care of it and she was all relieved lol... told me a whole story of how dangerous it is for a girl to be outside when it's dark and i shouldn't be alone in the dark again lol... how caring... some people actually care... care enough...

fuck... knowing that, makes me want to kill myself... i wanna be a good person like that... instead im too caught up in my own shitty life... i wanna be like her... i wanna be there for people... even if i don't know them... i wanna do good

im gonna stop typing now
cause i don't know
what to say
what to think
how to continue

thank you for reading, if you have, it means a lot :hugtackles:
 

Romancer

Well-Known Member
#4
Losty :hugtackles:

sometimes we do good,even if we don't realize it. and maybe you think you're not doing anything, while in reality you are. just takes time to get the shit together and work it all out...and simply realize that whats around you isn't all bad, and you're not bad.

or something like that, hope you get the point :tongue:
 

herenow

Well-Known Member
#5
aw sad :( Yeah I don't like social workers either. I haven't heard from mine in years...I'm not even sure if I have one anymore. They were going to put me in a foster home but they gave me choice and I was like NO. The last thing I need is to play russian roulette with how I get treated/who my parents are. You know the story of how the people complained to god they had all these problems, so god invited them to dinner and told them to put their problems on the table, and the pick out one they liked, and everyone just took their problem back? It's like that.
I have sort of a fanatasy of killing myself too...I used to think it was "romantic". I think it's because I went on this other board at an impressionable age, where lots of people were angry and suicidal and it wasn't a very good board for many reasons, and I started developing these fantasies. But I think I remember thinking of it even earlier, as a form or revenge. Really messed up, I know.
 
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