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I don't know where to ask for help.

Fauve

SF Supporter
#1
Hello,

It's been more than a week since I last checked on the forum, because I was ashamed and unable to express my feelings, but I joined this community specifically to find a place where I could share my thoughts without fearing to be judged.

I cannot detail much, and if there is still too much details, I apologize deeply.

In short, I started taking antidepressants again a little bit less than a month ago. Recently, while cleaning my home, I found my mother's old medication, that we never brought back in two years.

I don't think I should say more, but since then I have very dark and unrelenting thoughts. I have a plan and it becomes clearer as days go by.

I am very afraid of myself and for myself, but I can't stop thinking about it. Anyway... I just needed to talk to someone because I'm still paralysed at the idea to talk about it to a psychologist or a doctor.

Thank you for reading. I'm sorry if it brought dark thoughts for you as well...
 

Fauve

SF Supporter
#3
Hey, it's ok. Talking about things like this is what SF is for.


Why don't you feel like you should say more? It's ok to PM me or other members of SF if it's easier to talk about it that way.

Hugs
Still, thank you for reading and for your words.

Oh, I just don't want to say more and start describing as it is against the rules of the forum. The thing is I've looked up each medications I had found and I have a pretty clear idea of how to proceed. It's why I'm so afraid. I've had dark and suicidal thoughts in the past but not like this. It's the first time I actively and daily think of doing it.

I know it's just thinking and not doing but it makes me extremely anxious because a part of me still tells me it's wrong.
 

Fauve

SF Supporter
#6
I could. But then they would be missing and my family would wonder where they went because my father is the one who pointed them out, and my sister constantly says we have to bring them back to the pharmacist. I could say I brought them back but (I'm serious) my pharmacist was a friend of my mum (who passed away) and she still often talks to my dad and look out for us. I really don't want them to ask questions.

Or maybe I'm just being paranoid, or trying to find excuses to cling to it.
 
#8
I could. But then they would be missing and my family would wonder where they went
You could just shrug I suppose. Unless they're something you can get high off of, no one's probably going to dig too deeply.

Staying safe is more important than dealing with any fall out from flushing them.

There's also this official info from the FDA
https://www.fda.gov/consumers/consumer-updates/where-and-how-dispose-unused-medicines

So you could just say "There's no disposal kiosk available, and the FDA site says there are certain medicines which could be dangerous and should be flushed immediately. I looked up the meds and they're dangerous, so I flushed them".

If it turns out there is a disposal kiosk at the pharmacy, you could say "Oh, I didn't know".

If you can't do it on your own, you could make a point of doing it with your sister asap, so you've got someone to witness/help you.
 

Fauve

SF Supporter
#9
You could just shrug I suppose. Unless they're something you can get high off of, no one's probably going to dig too deeply.

Staying safe is more important than dealing with any fall out from flushing them.

There's also this official info from the FDA
https://www.fda.gov/consumers/consumer-updates/where-and-how-dispose-unused-medicines

So you could just say "There's no disposal kiosk available, and the FDA site says there are certain medicines which could be dangerous and should be flushed immediately. I looked up the meds and they're dangerous, so I flushed them".

If it turns out there is a disposal kiosk at the pharmacy, you could say "Oh, I didn't know".

If you can't do it on your own, you could make a point of doing it with your sister asap, so you've got someone to witness/help you.
Hey. Yeah I think the real problem is I can't bring myself to throw them away. I will ask a family member to do it with me.

They are quite dangerous. Some can cause acute respiratory distress and coma. We should have dealt with them a long time ago.

It's night where I live right now but I went to my little sister. I was unable to talk to her and she fell back asleep, but I'm staying next to her. It always reminds me I can't leave her behind, especially to make her waking up in the morning and finding me dead without anyone else around. I'm just often alone at our home these days so that's why I worry.

I just have these thoughts in my head all the time and I needed a place where to say it.

But yes. I do actively need to find a way to get rid of it. I'll ask my dad to take them with him next time he comes at our place.

Again, thank you for listening.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#10
you need to flush those meds immediately. also i know it's embarrassing to talk to a professional about these things. i have my first psychiatric evaluation in 17 years and im very nervous. but i plan to tell the whole truth. if we tell the truth about what's going on they can help us a lot better. and they are used to these situations. and remember they chose this field to help people. and you can't mention methods or timelines but as long as you follow guidelines you can talk about anything. a lot of us have been where you are so there is no shame here. in the last 2 years i seriously considered suicide but am very glad i'm still here fighting. you will be glad that you survived also. i hope things improve soon...mike...*hug*shake
 

Ash600

✮☆Meetup star ☆✮
SF Creative
SF Supporter
#12
Hey there, @Fauve

One good thing is that you have opened up about what you're feeling and with any luck bringing these thoughts out into the open even if it's here could help you to get over these dark thoughts.

There's one thing I've noticed that you mentioned in your opening post and that is you have only recently began taking antidepressants. In the majority of cases, during the initiation of therapy there can be a dip in the mood particularly within the first 2-4 weeks of treatment. This may lead to...."ideations" such as those dark and unrelenting thoughts which you have reported. The intensity can vary from person to person as there are many factors involved here. So it may be a good idea to mention this to your doctor perhaps?
 

Fauve

SF Supporter
#13
Hello. Little personal update, mostly for myself, so I can get it out of me.

I can't even enter inside the room the medication is currently in without feeling awful. I was alone at home today. I cut myself. It's been a long time since I injured myself this badly because, last time, I had needed stitches and it was on the palm of my left hand so everyone would ask me how it had happened. I properly cleaned it, bandaged it and I wore long sleeves before my sister came back from her internship. I feel guilty so I do a lot more cleaning and housework than usual as some kind of silent apology. I hate being like this.

you need to flush those meds immediately. also i know it's embarrassing to talk to a professional about these things. i have my first psychiatric evaluation in 17 years and im very nervous. but i plan to tell the whole truth. if we tell the truth about what's going on they can help us a lot better. and they are used to these situations. and remember they chose this field to help people. and you can't mention methods or timelines but as long as you follow guidelines you can talk about anything. a lot of us have been where you are so there is no shame here. in the last 2 years i seriously considered suicide but am very glad i'm still here fighting. you will be glad that you survived also. i hope things improve soon...mike...
ey

Hey Mike, thank you for your words. I hope it will go well for you! I went to a psychologist when I was a teenager but I was never able to talk about my real problems with them. Since then I am very anxious at the idea of starting a therapy again but my doctor (who prescribed me my antidepressants) urged me to contact one. I just have to do it. Like throwing away those stupid meds. I just always put it back for later.

Still, reading your words make me feel better. Thank you again for your words. I'm happy you're here, and I'm happy you're a part of SF.
Hey there, @Fauve One good thing is that you have opened up about what you're feeling and with any luck bringing these thoughts out into the open even if it's here could help you to get over these dark thoughts. There's one thing I've noticed that you mentioned in your opening post and that is you have only recently began taking antidepressants. In the majority of cases, during the initiation of therapy there can be a dip in the mood particularly within the first 2-4 weeks of treatment. This may lead to...."ideations" such as those dark and unrelenting thoughts which you have reported. The intensity can vary from person to person as there are many factors involved here. So it may be a good idea to mention this to your doctor perhaps?
Hey! Thank you for reading. Yeah, I mentioned I was taking antidepressants specifically for that. I'm sorry I wasn't clear enough. I kinda went through the same thing a few years ago. I'm taking Effexor, which is known for having these kind of effects, especially at the start. Still, I'm perplexed because I've started with really small doses. I had an appointment planned with my doctor in August for the follow up but I should call them and ask to see them sooner.

Thanks!
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#15
Hello. Little personal update, mostly for myself, so I can get it out of me.

I can't even enter inside the room the medication is currently in without feeling awful. I was alone at home today. I cut myself. It's been a long time since I injured myself this badly because, last time, I had needed stitches and it was on the palm of my left hand so everyone would ask me how it had happened. I properly cleaned it, bandaged it and I wore long sleeves before my sister came back from her internship. I feel guilty so I do a lot more cleaning and housework than usual as some kind of silent apology. I hate being like this.

ey

Hey Mike, thank you for your words. I hope it will go well for you! I went to a psychologist when I was a teenager but I was never able to talk about my real problems with them. Since then I am very anxious at the idea of starting a therapy again but my doctor (who prescribed me my antidepressants) urged me to contact one. I just have to do it. Like throwing away those stupid meds. I just always put it back for later.

Still, reading your words make me feel better. Thank you again for your words. I'm happy you're here, and I'm happy you're a part of SF.


Hey! Thank you for reading. Yeah, I mentioned I was taking antidepressants specifically for that. I'm sorry I wasn't clear enough. I kinda went through the same thing a few years ago. I'm taking Effexor, which is known for having these kind of effects, especially at the start. Still, I'm perplexed because I've started with really small doses. I had an appointment planned with my doctor in August for the follow up but I should call them and ask to see them sooner.

Thanks!
i know it will be hard at first but if you tell the whole truth with a professional you will get better faster and be nore at ease further on. you can do this. and please stop cutting. if you need to sh have you tried using something like snapping a rubber band or holding ice tight? you get the pain without the damage, i know others that have tried it. of course the ultimate goal would be to stop sh completely, just a suggestion. anytime you want to talk feel free to inbox me...mike...*hug*shake
 

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