I don't know where to go from here

[nemo0]

So I've been suicidal pretty consistently for about five years now, and I don't really know what to do now other than off myself. I left my job last year when I went through a particularly bad session and was certain I was going to off myself. Unfortunately after a couple of attempts I quit trying. Haven't tried again since which is the longest I've gone by far, but I regret not being able to go through with it.
Since then I've tried numerous things to get me out of this, but nothing seems to help. I've been eating healthy, exercising outside a ton, doing charity work, learning new skills. Nothing makes me feel better. I just don't see any way anything gets better ever. I don't understand why I shouldn't off myself.

 

[SkyTree]

I'm happy you didn't go through with hurting yourself. Is there anything you really like to do. Is there anything you are passionate about? If so I would recommend doing more of that. Good luck and I'm praying for you!

 

[KindaOtiose]

Hello. I am sorry you are feeling suicidal - it can feel very scary and confusing. Have you explored avenues of treatment such as therapy, medication, support groups or (legal) natural herbs that are meant to help depression? Would you be interested in exploring these potential treatments? If so, maybe visit your doctor. Best of luck .

 

[nemo0]

Yeah, I've done about a year and a half of therapy and about half a year of various meds. Nothing really helped much. Due to various mishaps with hospitals and other health people I've kinda sworn off ever going to a doctor again.
There's nothing I'm really passionate about so I've just been doing random stuff I used to like.
Thanks for the replys.

 

[iloverachel]

So I've been suicidal pretty consistently for about five years now, and I don't really know what to do now other than off myself. I left my job last year when I went through a particularly bad session and was certain I was going to off myself. Unfortunately after a couple of attempts I quit trying. Haven't tried again since which is the longest I've gone by far, but I regret not being able to go through with it.
Since then I've tried numerous things to get me out of this, but nothing seems to help. I've been eating healthy, exercising outside a ton, doing charity work, learning new skills. Nothing makes me feel better. I just don't see any way anything gets better ever. I don't understand why I shouldn't off myself.

Sorry to hear. Are there any particular reasons or circumstances thats making you suicidal?

 

[nemo0]

Sorry to hear. Are there any particular reasons or circumstances thats making you suicidal?

No real reason, which I feel is the problem. If there was a clear problem like money or something maybe I could work towards remedying it. As it is I just spin my wheels going nowhere. I think my overall mood might have started going down when I destroyed my knee but that was a couple of years before all this. I've always been a loner though so maybe this is just the natural end for something like me.

 

[Wispiwill]

What happened when you destroyed your knee? What impact has that had on your life? Maybe looking into that will help??

 

[iloverachel]

No real reason, which I feel is the problem. If there was a clear problem like money or something maybe I could work towards remedying it. As it is I just spin my wheels going nowhere. I think my overall mood might have started going down when I destroyed my knee but that was a couple of years before all this. I've always been a loner though so maybe this is just the natural end for something like me.

If you cant find any real reason it could be a chemical imbalance in the brain, low serotonin levels etc have you tried medication or taking things like fish oil

 

[may71]

I've tried numerous things to get me out of this, but nothing seems to help. I've been eating healthy, exercising outside a ton, doing charity work, learning new skills. Nothing makes me feel better

I could try to make some suggestions about other things to try if you'd like

I hope things can get better soon

 

[Paisley]

Yeah, I've done about a year and a half of therapy and about half a year of various meds. Nothing really helped much. Due to various mishaps with hospitals and other health people I've kinda sworn off ever going to a doctor again.

Half a year of medications is not really a lot. It can take a while to find one (or a combination) that works.

I'm focusing on the med route because it sounds like the way you're feeling isn't situational.

Do you feel comfortable telling us about what your bad experiences with hospitals/heath professionals were?

 

[nemo0]

Yeah I'm sure six months isn't a lot, but the confluence of bad experiences with a bad reaction to some of the meds just shut it down in my head. There were just so many bad experiences related to this to concisely relay, but I'll try. I first tried dealing with the problem how I deal with all my problems, by myself, but eventually I snapped and told family about it which then got me involved with a therapist. Took forever to find a therapist about an hour away. Therapist tells me to go to a psychiatrist, another half month of searching. Psychiatrist has me thrown in hospital even though I avoided any clear imminent threats to safety. Two ambulance rides and two hospitals. About a full day of waiting around before I was admitted into closed ward. Told me insurance would cover most of it. Mostly a lie with tons of out of plan charges. The only thing I got out of my two week stay was a 100k bill of which I was on the hook for about 10k and a higher sense of empathy for people in these situations.
Life goes on therapy, psychiatrist, and med bills pile up. Prolly around 400 a month. I really don't care much about money, but the additional strain this put on me and the increasing feeling of being taken for a ride by everyone kept increasing my feelings of jadedness. After about four different med changes, two of which had bad reactions, I just quit seeing the therapist and psychiatrist. I tried therapy again about two years later but dropped it after about a year of trying.
I'm sure that all of these individual relatively small problems just happened to pile up at the same time, but at this point I feel like death is better than trying to navigate the system again. I also don't have the money for it now that I quit my job. I don't like feeling like a victim and having people look at me with pity so I haven't told anyone about the continuing problems either. I have no friends either because I'm obviously not a great person. So I'm pretty alone in all this. On the bright side, I'm a pro at social distancing.

 

[nemo0]

What happened when you destroyed your knee? What impact has that had on your life? Maybe looking into that will help??

About eight years ago I picked up mountain biking. I was already an avid road/adventure biker so it seemed like a fun thing to break into. I'm a fatass though, so I wasn't really great at it. I kept doing it and got a bit better. One day after a heavy rain I hit the trails, and came to a massive puddle that would've gone up to my muddle. So I made the snap decision to try and ramp up a rock face to the side to avoid it. Well with it being wet my back wheel slipped out on me and my knee slid down the rock face tearing it to the bone. Thankfully I was using clips and single pedaled my way the three miles out of the woods to the bike shop cursing and bleeding the whole way. Ambulance was called and two arrived about half an hour later, of which I was charged for both. I seized up prolly due to the blood loss and was shipped to hospital. I think they were afraid of my head because of the seizure so I had to wait for around 12 hours before anyone saw me. Stitched up and told I would be back to work in a week. They did a crap stitch job and it became infected. Had to have most stitches out to clear infection. Couldn't walk for about three months. The knee still hurts to this day and has led to plantar fasciitis which made working hell on earth. Also put a crimp in allot of the hiking and biking that were my main hobbies.
This probably exacerbated my existing socializing problems and likely aided the circumstances I currently find myself. Probably not the sole or even main cause, but likely one of them.

 

[Daphna]

So I've been suicidal pretty consistently for about five years now, and I don't really know what to do now other than off myself. I left my job last year when I went through a particularly bad session and was certain I was going to off myself. Unfortunately after a couple of attempts I quit trying. Haven't tried again since which is the longest I've gone by far, but I regret not being able to go through with it.
Since then I've tried numerous things to get me out of this, but nothing seems to help. I've been eating healthy, exercising outside a ton, doing charity work, learning new skills. Nothing makes me feel better. I just don't see any way anything gets better ever. I don't understand why I shouldn't off myself.

You have quite the impressive list. One thing not listed, is something spiritual. Have you considered doing some soul searching?

 

[Paisley]

Yeah I'm sure six months isn't a lot, but the confluence of bad experiences with a bad reaction to some of the meds just shut it down in my head. There were just so many bad experiences related to this to concisely relay, but I'll try. I first tried dealing with the problem how I deal with all my problems, by myself, but eventually I snapped and told family about it which then got me involved with a therapist. Took forever to find a therapist about an hour away. Therapist tells me to go to a psychiatrist, another half month of searching. Psychiatrist has me thrown in hospital even though I avoided any clear imminent threats to safety. Two ambulance rides and two hospitals. About a full day of waiting around before I was admitted into closed ward. Told me insurance would cover most of it. Mostly a lie with tons of out of plan charges. The only thing I got out of my two week stay was a 100k bill of which I was on the hook for about 10k and a higher sense of empathy for people in these situations.
Life goes on therapy, psychiatrist, and med bills pile up. Prolly around 400 a month. I really don't care much about money, but the additional strain this put on me and the increasing feeling of being taken for a ride by everyone kept increasing my feelings of jadedness. After about four different med changes, two of which had bad reactions, I just quit seeing the therapist and psychiatrist. I tried therapy again about two years later but dropped it after about a year of trying.
I'm sure that all of these individual relatively small problems just happened to pile up at the same time, but at this point I feel like death is better than trying to navigate the system again. I also don't have the money for it now that I quit my job.

Totally fair, thanks for telling. After all that I'd be reluctant to go back in that direction too.

I don't like feeling like a victim and having people look at me with pity so I haven't told anyone about the continuing problems either. I have no friends either because I'm obviously not a great person. So I'm pretty alone in all this. On the bright side, I'm a pro at social distancing.

Not having friends doesn't really equate with whether you're a great person or not, though. But it does suck that you don't feel like you have anyone you can tell all this to in person.

As an aside, I was quite shocked to learn that the way I've been voluntarily living my life is actually called 'quarantine', so I feel you on the last sentence.

 

[Wispiwill]

Sounds like you had a very traumatic experience. Not only did they make a mess of things but, because of that, you've lost the ability to do the main things that were your source of pleasure as well as ending up in pain - probably constant, I would guess. Pain wears you down and makes it harder to deal with things that you could otherwise deal with. Even if, as you say, it's not the main cause - it's certainly a major factor.

I'm assuming there's nothing that can be done to fix your knee? Or at least deal with the pain?

 

[nemo0]

Sounds like you had a very traumatic experience. Not only did they make a mess of things but, because of that, you've lost the ability to do the main things that were your source of pleasure as well as ending up in pain - probably constant, I would guess. Pain wears you down and makes it harder to deal with things that you could otherwise deal with. Even if, as you say, it's not the main cause - it's certainly a major factor.

I'm assuming there's nothing that can be done to fix your knee? Or at least deal with the pain?

The pain isn't really that bad. It's only bad when I work it hard so hiking, jogging, biking all make it hurt depending on how hard and long I go. It was extremely painful when I was on my feet on concrete at work all day everyday. Now that I have more down time it isn't as bad. I don't think anything can be done about it other than prescribed pain killers and that would require a doctor. I haven't been to a doctor in almost five years and have zero plans of going ever again. I figure that even if I don't manage to off myself, lack of doctors will probably do the job passively someday.

 

[Wispiwill]

It doesn't have to be bad to have an effect. The fact that it's there, all the time, wears you down. I'm not saying that there's anything you can do about it but, sometimes, it's good to acknowledge that it'll effect you. Because of that - you'll have a reduced ability to cope with other things. If you're aware of that, then you can make allowance for it. Not sure I made much sense there.

 

[nemo0]

You have quite the impressive list. One thing not listed, is something spiritual. Have you considered doing some soul searching?

I was pretty deep in religion for a long time. Even have a degree in philosophy and theology. It kinda faded out over the years though.

 

[Daphna]

I was pretty deep in religion for a long time. Even have a degree in philosophy and theology. It kinda faded out over the years though.

That’s interesting. What did Philosophy and theology teach you? I’ve always been curious as to why people didn’t just read the Holy book they claim for their faith. I’ve seen it mostly in the Abrahamic rooted faiths. So this is why I’m curious.

 

[nemo0]

I was more into integrating faith with rationality and finding the possibilities of overlap between the two. So lots of reconciling people like Aquinas and Descartes. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed though, so I'm not very well versed in the matters anyway.