I don't know where to go from here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Grey, Dec 11, 2008.

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  1. Grey

    Grey New Member

    Right I'll try and keep it short, but mine isn't a short story. I don't really care if anyone reads this or not, I just need somewhere to let everything out.

    It started properly 2 years ago yesterday, with the suicide of my best friend/girl I loved. I didn't answer my phone that night for the first time because I was really angry and I felt responsible because I know I could have held her back.
    Fast forward 2 years and this has haunted me a lot. I messed up the final year of my high school education because of the depression but I managed to just about salvage workable grades. I got into a decent course on a decent college, doing what I want to do, but I've messed that up too. I recently was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety and possible DPD, and I haven't been able to leave the house for almost 2 months now without having a panic attack
    Earlier this year my best friend (who meant the world to me) replaced me with someone else and just ignored me, and I've lost all my other friends to drugs or different groups of people.
    Over these 2 years, I've chalked up 18 suicide attempts, resulting in restricted movement in my right hand from a wrist cut, numbness in both hands from nerve damage (OD), neck problems from a hanging, hundreds of scars and generally a very shit outlook on everything, I mean, I can't even kill myself successfully.
    I've seen therapists, and lots of them at that, even paying up to £350 per hour for some.
    I'm currently on a load of prozac but it's not helping.
    I've been through heavy cocaine, weed and exctasy abuse, and heavy alcoholism but I'm proud to say I'm drug-free now.
    The cocaine addiction had me shot at as a result of the debt
    I've always been told 'things will get better' and tried to believe it.
    Tried to believe that every time I put down the razor I would never have to pick it up again.
    I've found myself sitting through all this for a while now for one sole reason: a girl
    She was the only person who seemed to give a shit and tried to help me
    She understood me better than anyone and I guess I fell in love with her.
    She was the first person I could really feel like that about since I lost my best friend.
    As usual I kept my feelings hidden and she hinted a lot that she liked me etc.
    And it turned out today that she's in love with her best friend and going out with him now.
    This time I honestly believed that things would get better, but as usual things started to look up and something had to turn around and kick me in the face.
    It just leaves me feeling even worse than I did before we started talking, and she was the one who held me back last time.
    I know it sounds like typical emo bullshit, but it just made me feel even worse
    And to be honest I don't know what I can do now.
    I've got no one else left, nowhere to run
    I've got my method planned out, but I keep every promise I make and I promised her that I would see her over christmas, so I guess I have to suffer until then.

    tl;dr: don't know what to do anymore, will be letting go by New Year's most likely

    I really appreciate anyone who took the time to read that wall of text, I just really needed to find someone who might have a slight chance of understanding me and this forum seemed like a good bet.

    Thanks, Grey
  2. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    Ah, but things do get better. I mean, you're no longer on drugs and alcohol, right? That's a positive step there. Don't give up, things can, and they do get better!
  3. Chernarus

    Chernarus Well-Known Member

    i admire a man who can keep a promise. Find a reason to live or promise people you wont kill your self its what i did things always get better just stay around until they do then you'll have something to live for. if ya need to talk my MSN messenger is hippiehatr@hotmail.com
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Grey,

    Well done on quitting the drugs!! :hug:

    I'm so sorry for your loss.

    Maybe you should see your doctor about switching medications? The prozac doesn't sound like it's making any difference. Please do not give up. Things CAN get better. I'm here if you need to talk :hug:
  5. Grey

    Grey New Member

    Thanks guys
    I'm going to try every last option I can in the next week or two, but I'm not sure if I really fancy being alive for the start of another year
    I dunno
    I will keep posted what happens etc.
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