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I don't know where to put this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by normaljoe, Jul 25, 2015.

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  1. normaljoe

    normaljoe Well-Known Member

    I just did something many people would consider very smart. IT...is unloaded. i am not sure what I am feeling right now. After once or twice through EMDR therapy i have been pretty much free from suicidal ideation (SI).....not to mention the 5+ years before this of CBT. but I can't help but sleep with IT. shower with IT near me. carry IT by me at all times. to say i am scared that my SI is still there is an understatement. but my attachment to IT seems to prove that my SI lurks in the shadows of my mind.

    I went out today. I geocached and while the hunt for caches lasted I was not thinking of anything but finding a geocache and how much I will miss my significant other when I move for grad school. although i am pretty sure the attachment we both share is superficial at best, as we have only been seeing eachother for 2 months now, the stress of leaving is still there. I am not sure why I am down right now. compared to my normal routine my genuine sleep schedule from last night (7-8 hrs) compared to 20+ hrs, my going out, my enjoying possibly the most wonderful london fog in my life and watching a movie that was extremely intellectually stimulating...I should be very chipper. I can't help but replace all that I have just done and experienced with emptiness. the taste of the tea has long left my mouth, the thrill of my next cache died as i opened my car door to go home and my intellectual stimulation from the movie and the philosophy of egalitarianism has been replaced by a dull urge to sleep. (which I will correct here shortly with a pot of coffee...yes...a whole pot)

    I am finding out slowly but surely that my will to live and my own self pity are not tied to motivation. that they share no proportional or disproportional correlation. that I am just as unmotivated now as I was when I first became friends with IT. that my innate hatred for my own waking mind and body has had its mouth sewn shut but the beast lives on.

    I am finding out I am still a prisoner.

    it is dubious to say that I am lying when I say that I believe I have purpose. I consider the value of my life to be marginal, far better than the negative equity I bestowed upon it before, that I am meant to love and be loved in as much capacity as I will allow. but something feels wrong about all of this. something fights me...still.
  2. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

  3. Hey at least you read and think, many glorified apes donĀ“t get that far.

    You deserve to be alive, in my book.
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