I don't know where to start.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pacolaco, Sep 8, 2008.

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  1. Pacolaco

    Pacolaco Member

    I don't know where to start.

    I've been lurking here for a while, unsure the entire time of how to start. I've never been sure when's a good time to start; I've never started with another about depression. I've Always had to be engaged.

    I don't know how to engage on depression.

    I've written whole posts before. Whether they're short, or well documented and detailed progressions in my depression. And I've deleted them all. Every single thing I've written about depression has been erased to simple, random zeroes and ones on my hard drive.

    I don't know why I've deleted them.

    I've always been secretive about my depression, only opening about it at the most opportune moments (e.g., when on the topic of depression, suicide, or something related thereof), however there are a few select who know. People I trust, people I'd offer to die for, before I would ever wish to see them harmed.

    I don't know when, if ever, I'll have to make that offer, sometimes I wish it would be soon.

    Most people are afraid of death. I like to think I'm not; I like to say I'm not. I probably am though. When it comes down to it, I think my life would end with me being scared out of my wits, with nary an idea of what was happening. Or, perhaps, as the way I would wish to die, I'd die protecting someone, anybody, some random stranger, someone who deserves to live more than I.

    I don't know what would be said at my funeral.

    Maybe nothing,
    maybe a bunch,
    I wouldn't know;
    I'd be deceased.
    Encapsulated in a coffin,
    A mass of inanimate elements.
    And It's all we are.
    And all we ever will end up being,
    is a mass of inanimate elements.
  2. Pacolaco

    Pacolaco Member

    I don't know how to continue, It has taken me an incredibly long time to decide what to write in this second portion. There are so many things to say, but I can not put those 'things' into words. If there was only a way to show, share emotions. Here it comes.

    I'm confused, I am told one thing, and then I am told another. I grow up in a rich community, live a nice life with the support of my parents as I am still in school and not a legal adult, albeit I would say I am more intelligent than most adults. I am told I am cynical; I probably am rather cynical.

    Let me quote a song,

    It is from a group called Showtek. Examining each sentence and idea individually can easily misconstrue the message Showtek tries to convey. I am told to live to enjoy every moment of my life, but society is prohibitive of individuality to a certain degree, which limits everyone from enjoying every moment. If I were to enjoy every moment, I would do the work how I wanted to, the small bits of information and the answer would be everything necessary. I would not have to show all my work; I would not have to change how I do things along with hundreds of other students to conform to how the teacher likes my notebook to be organized; I would not have to be slowed as I was in the past by students who did not wish to excel. I am told to go above and beyond, but as soon as I have tried, I have been shot down; I was told by the school that I can take courses over the summer, but was also told they would not count. I have offered multiple times to do independent studies in mathematics, and was subsequently rejected every time. So someone please answer me this, 'What the fuck is right, and what the fuck is wrong?"

    I live my life without passion. I live it with anger, hate, depression. All around me, I can see all the ignorance, the wanton destruction of someones psychology, the damn people who I wish would not exist. The people I sometimes just want to hit as hard as possible for the 'wrongs' as I see them. If I did, I would be in trouble though. Society would call my action the wrong, and theirs a mistake, or something less severe then a wrong. Most politicians are despicable liars, and are quite representative. They will lie about another candidate, knowing full well that they are wrong. I see this all the time in day to day life. It's fucking disgusting. It angers me, even now I get angry just thinking about it. It makes me realize how unstable I really am.

    My mood swings are grand. Just then, writing the preceding paragraph I went from depressed, gloomy, and wishing to be alone to a completely different state of mind. I want to take the world on, one against all, and see who will switch sides. I want to destroy the worthless, the people who should not live. Everyone here is a person who should live. You have crossed a threshold which allows you to consider suicide or even avoid the societal taboo of not speaking about it. There is one more threshold that few cross, the act of suicide. They say it takes a genius or an idiot to cross that threshold, that the average 'Joe' could never commit the act with purpose, maybe accidentally, but not for the reason of dying. There are so many people I wish to see hurt, for all the hurt they've caused others. I want to see them gone, even though I know they will be bagging my groceries, and pumping my fuel in the future.

    I was good for the most part of summer, mostly avoiding people and spending most of my time working, by myself, or with three people who I can actually stand to be around. I did however, have several fits where I did wish I could take my life. These fits are always a raging issue inside my own mind, no one else will know when they happen, or why. I also don't know when they will happen, or why. I regularly reject others, and I am told that it is wrong, but I know if I was with them, I would feel even worse than I already do. Again, I am told to live life to the fullest, but then I am told what is wrong and what is right. Well, fuck society; why should I take life so seriously? I just want to do, what I like to do.
  3. Pacolaco

    Pacolaco Member

    I realize I may be avoiding the actual issue, and just hopping around with my ideas like a complete madman, but I have no problem with that. I'll 'cut to the chase.' I have no will to be alive in this world, sometimes I even doubt if I exist, if others exist. I wonder if it's all fake, am I strapped down somewhere, in a coma, just imagining this? Am I even a living being, could I be super-advanced computer program in another world?

    My thoughts are 'bat-shit insane' and that is why I have so much trouble telling anybody how I feel. I would be ridiculed, I would be called insane. It's because I am, I believe. I have no control over my emotions anymore, I go from happy, to suicidal, to wanting to harm someone, to suicidal, and then back to happy, and that can be in the course of five minutes. I do not know what exactly triggers my swings, but I know school has a large influence on me. Since school has started less than two weeks ago my thoughts of suicide have gone from infrequent to a constant unerring request. I want to kill myself.

    I know I can kill myself, I know I can. I have methods, some instantaneous, some very slow, and yet others being completely unnoticable. I wish I could kill myself. The only reason I haven't is because so many people are so dependent on me. I take the weight of many worlds on my shoulders at times. I am essentially a magnet for people who suffer from depression, anxiety, suicidal feelings, abuse, etc. Maybe they notice how I feel, subconsciously, so they come to me. I deal with thoughts of whether someone will kill them self because I did not do an adequate job of talking them down from how they felt. Five people have committed suicide in my school over the last year. There are less than 400 kids in my school. Two of the people who died were extremely close friends of mine. I partially blame one suicide on myself. We had just received our PSAT scores, and I had missed an ENTIRE section of the test, and still scored better than NINETY PERCENT of the nation. My friend didn't miss anything, and only scored better than 73 percent. It was when we compared scores and told him about missing and entire section that I failed to notice the nuance in his character. His test was a fluke, he was vastly more intelligent than me. I should have realized he was well beyond the threshold.

    His voice changed just slightly, his head hung just a little bit lower. He withdrew for a temporary moment, and I must have briefly seen it on his face, that feeling of despair that I experience, or something similar. School ended for the day a couple hours later. I went home, went about my business, was reading some news on Reddit and Digg and I received an instant message on AIM. It said something similar to "is it true about ******, is it true?" The words are not exact, but that's the general gist of the first word I got about the event. I immediately knew what happened. I knew it was true. I sat there in complete shock, feeling numb and pained at the same time. Just earlier that day I had seriously been considering suicide, and my best friend just died. I sat there for a while longer, and heard my mom upstairs on the phone, 'no.. no.. no, not again.' She started crying like I have never seen her cry before. I went upstairs to try and comfort her as I was still feeling numb. She told me she was so sorry for what happened, and I saw my dad was crying as well. I lost it, I had not cried that hard in about 8 months. The last event before that which made me cry was another suicide of a close friend. I cried, and I cried, and when I thought I could cry no longer, I went downstairs and cried some more. He was the fourth suicide in less than a year. The fifth would follow in the summer of a kid I did not know very well, but had spent some time with. I cried that night, alone, because I did not wish for anyone else to know.

    It seems like I am a catalyst, every time I have hit an extreme low where I begin to make actual plans to kill myself, something happens to put them off. Five out of five times, it has been the suicide of a class mate. No matter how I prepare myself, if there is another suicide this year, I fear I will need to check myself into a facility because I am in such a mentally fragile state.

    The anguish I felt when I lost my best friend is beyond compare to anything else I've ever felt. I saw this in everyone else at the school as well, and yet, my feelings still persist that I wish to kill myself. It's a constant struggle between these feelings of suicide and memories of the pain which everyone else experienced when the suicides happened. My mom was so deeply affected by the suicides that I believe I would do the equivalent of killing her if I were to commit suicide, I do not think she would ever recover. Sometimes I wish that I had no one. I almost always wish that I had no one, so that I could rid the world of my self. My worthless fucking self.

    If no one cared the slightest bit, I would be dead long ago. I thank these people, yet still despise them for preventing me from committing suicide. I just want to die. I have a death-wish. I am the one who wishes, and I am the one who can grant that wish when I would like. Someone else could also grant me that wish, and it would piss me off, but also please me to finally be free from this world. If it can really be called a world at all, I don't think it exists anymore, I partially believe if I die I will be set free from this.. this place. I believe it is a test, and that only those who can cross that second threshold and kill themselves are going to be set free. Yes.. that is the case in my mind. It is insanity at it's purest. However, when one can be so insane as to believe that the world they live in does not even exist, yet realize the insanity, it must be either pure genius, or pure insanity. In my case, I believe it is both. A pure mix. An impossibility.

    So why do they prevent me from committing suicide, why must they be so grief stricken if I was to commit suicide. WHY CAN'T THEY LET ME BE FREE OF THIS HELL? I want them to realize that I can do what I please, and that I do not wish for them to hurt. Yet, they still wish to control me, by doing nothing but caring. I need to be alone, I need to have no one, I need to be dead. I am told this is wrong, but I believe so strongly, so what is right, and what is wrong? I mean, five people can't be wrong. Maybe a sixth would help everyone realize this unassailable title.

    Now, I must sleep.
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    I am glad you are finally posting, rather than deleting! I have found this a really great place to share my feelings, and I hope you will continue to open up and post.

    Do you have any other supports in place? A therapist can really help, especially when you are feeling suicidal. They can help you with coping strategies, plus give you some new insights into your situation.

    Sorry to read about all the suicides at your school. I hope you can reach out for some help and that you won't be the sixth. It's hard to ask for help but really, really worth it.
  5. dixie27

    dixie27 Member

    Hello, Pacolaco.
    You certainly are very articulate for one so young. Obviously very intelligent; and therin lies part of the problem. People who are very intelligent tend to be more sensitive and aware, and I've heard that they are much more likely to be depressed.

    So many things you said rang true with me. I, too, resent my family for loving me so much that they think they cannot do without me, when in reality they would be so much better off, so VERY much better off. They are the only reason I am still here.

    Let me say this, however. I am old and sick (incurable, but unfortunately not fatal). You are so very young and you have a lot going in your favor. Things most probably will get much better for you if only you can tough out these assaults on your sensitivity. You have seen too many friends die; this should in itself show you something of how tragic young suicide is.

    Don't give up hope while you are still young. Fight the good fight, until, like me, you have no health, no money, no job, no life.

    God bless you.
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Pocaloco. Sorry to hear about all the suicides that happened at your school. 5 suicides at a school with only 400 students? That means that 1.25% of your school's population has taken thier own life. That's scary to think about. I'm a teacher by the way, but just a substitute right now. And like dixie just mentioned, you sound like a very intelligent person, it would be a waste to take your life. Your school has suffered enough already. Don't take your life too and add to everyone's suffering. I'm really sorry about your friend's suicide. But don't give up hope. You mentioned that you help people when they are suffering. That's really good. People need you to help them. :hug:
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