I don't know where to start.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Sinatra, Sep 14, 2012.

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  1. Sinatra

    Sinatra Member

    I'm a 57 year old male. Been married to the same woman for over 30 years. I believe she's trying to run me off. I think she thinks that if she runs me off then she can divorce me without looking like the bad guy. I just don't know how to cope. I'm just shaking. Can't eat, sleep, work. Not that I'm a bum. I've had the same job for 25 years and I work 63 hours a week. That keeps us in the center of the middle income bracket. I don't drink or chase other women and go to church regularly.
    I don't know what I hope to find here. I just want the pain to end. We've had our ups & downs but this is the worst it's ever been. The only friends I have are members of our church and I can't talk to them. If I did and she found out she'd never go back to church and I see that as the best chance we have for mending this.
    Are there any people here my age, married that long that are having difficulties? I just don't know what to do. What to think. I'm just ignoring it pretending everything is ok because she'll blow up again if I try to talk to her about it. Hoping it will blow over. Considering seeing a doctor to see if he can give me some meds to help me cope. I'm afraid to have a history of psychiatric problems on my record. May make it harder to get a job or credit if they think I'm crazy. I need to stop the shaking though.
    Any ideas?
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I m sorry you are suffering so hun emotional abuse you are having to endure. I think you should see a marriage councellor even if it is on your own without her you will have a place to voice your concerns You will have someone to help you cope teach you different approaches when she is being uncivil to you. You need to take care of YOU hun ok hugs
     
  3. Sinatra

    Sinatra Member

    Thanks so much for the reply. I don't know if counseling is the right approach right now but I'll keep it in mind. If I could just stop shaking so. Can't hardly type. I know the only way out is through but not sure I can make it. Everything I've spent the last 30 years building is coming apart.
     
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hiya Sinatra,

    I am so sorry that you are having a rough time right now. I would think that seeing a marriage counselling or getting some therapy may be of more benefit to you than going straight onto meds as it seems your depression is caused by the situation with your wife, although it may help lift that black cloud a bit. You can always come and vent here when you need to, there is always someone here to listen :hug:
     
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Sinatra, very pleased to meet you. I can have a very accurate picture of what you must be going through, because hubby and I went through similar, so I reckon I could very well be of assistance. For starters, apart from me being female, we have very much in common. (Except I have not heard the expression "running off" before, you'll have to explain to me what that is). I'm also 57, been married for 38 years, and we've always gone to church. Yes, church attenders are not immunie from this sort of thing. About the situation I found myself in, eventually tried to suicide, but was rescued (I believe by a miracle - anyway won't go into that now).

    Firstly, I would say - is it OK to call you Frank? (sorry)..... that there is heaps and heaps and heaps of hope for you, because I never thought our situation could come right, but it has, and back on track, older and wiser now, able to see everything more clearly, in its true light, by the mercies of God.

    We are just about to go away for a week, out of internet access, but there may be time for a few replies before we leave. Also, you could always PM me any time. God bless andkeep safe :)
     
  6. Sinatra

    Sinatra Member

    Thanks for the reply. A kindred spirit, In New Zealand of all places. By run off I mean I think she's trying to make me leave. Saying to hurt me to the point that I break down. Feel like I'm nearly there too, but I'm not leaving. Got no place to go. Considered taking my life last night, but just as a passing thought I guess. Life is rough when you hate to get up and go to work and then hate the idea of coming home at the end of the day. Been like that for a long time but it's worse right now. On vacation this week so there's no escaping the pain.
     
  7. Sinatra

    Sinatra Member

    She just told me she's going to see a lawyer. I don't know what to do.
     
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Frank - if she's just told you that, the best place to start would be by saying "We really do need to talk honey, because I don't think this is the right decision, and I have a feeling that we need to find another way"........ she may be adamant that this is the ONLY way, but do not buy into it - it's early days to be going down that route.

    I can PM you the name of someone (Christian) who can help, because he is brilliant at saving marriages........ If I wasn't going away I would PM you the page from his Manual on 'Marriage Crises - you can heal them' - I will start to do that now, but I might not be able to write much, due to needing to pack and being busy the rest of the day, hun.
     
  9. Sinatra

    Sinatra Member

    Here we go again. Tomorrow is the first day of my vacation and things are looking grim. She's been fighting with her family and she's depressed. Nothing I can do to help her and I can see her turning on me. Sure hope some of the kids come to see her tomorrow for Mothers Day. Seeing the grand kids is the only thing that ever seems to cheer her up. Those of you that pray, please put me on your prayer list for the week. I'm already hearing that little voice that tells me that life just isn't worth the effort required.
     
  10. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    ((Sinatra)) a couple of long distance hugs your way now sir.. my wife of 20 yrs left one night in 1990.. me and my disabled son johnny just left sitting there in shock.. our story worked out ok.. Katie my ex an di closer now than ever was while married..

    you need to try to straight talk with this wife of yours very darn soon sir.. try to find out where her head and thoughts are posthaste.. at worst a divorce may come very soon.. the world will not end then Sinatra.. just be different without the daily terrifying suspense hangin over you..

    there can be life without a wife.. truly sir this is true and possible.. thanks for taking the walls down with us.. we do listend well and will try to be there with you and give you some support.. only requirement on your part is to try to keep talking with us.. take care out there.. Jim

    PS in the meantime I think it would be advantageous for you to get some professional counseling for yourself.. this can help a heck of a lot.. someone who lsitends. sorts thru it and is on your side and is trying to help you.. just keep it quiet and separate from work and not talked about by you..
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 12, 2013
  11. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Just a couple observations and to say that thinking of you and hoping things improve for you. First, credit history has nothing to do in the world with mental health (or any other medical)-I have read thousands of credit reports and this is something I know as a certainty. So far as work, the only people that know anything about you and your medical situation are you , your Dr, and whoever you choose to tell. If you do not want them to know then do not tell them. I believe you may get some small benefit from discussing it with your Dr and then decide if meds to make things tolerable are in your interest or not after you have discussed and can research the options.
    Another thing I would wonder about- she is fighting with or pushing you away, fighting with her family and depressed- these are typical sign of depression and intentional isolation. I would wonder if she might have some serious depression issues herself in which case you could be beating yourself up over something that is largely her issue. I can't really think of a way to approach this with her - to ask a simple "what/now are you feeling?" without sounding accusing but it would be a good place to start if you could.....
     
  12. Rag doll

    Rag doll Member

    Hey, Sinatra. First question I have, do still love your wife and do you think she still loves you? If one of these answers is no, don't you think separating might be the best way for both of you? Starting over at your might be hard, but maybe it's the breath of fresh air that you need?

    Since you are in the church, maybe there is a priest you feel comfortable confiding in?
     
  13. Sinatra

    Sinatra Member

    Thanks for the reply Jim. Things have mellowed out here for now. I can't say if I'll ever really go off the deep end or not. When things are good, they're not really good, more like a lull between storms. Sometimes they last longer than others. At 58 I see living long just means it's more likely I'll die of some debilitating disease. Cancer and a few others run in the family. If I didn't have the wife to care bout and that's the sort of future I have to look foreword to, dieng broke and losing the house to long term medical bills . . . Hard to see a bright side. Still here though so there's still chances that things will work out.
    Thanks again Jim. For now, no worries,
     
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