I can't sleep tonight... I feel so tired of everything- but I can't even close my eyes for a moment. I'm panicking. I don't know why I'm here or who I am... I wish I was the person whom I've pretended to be for so long, but I'm not. I don't know what I want to do anymore, and I don't even care. I was going to go to the city today and pretend that I was fine- go to some auditions; put on a brave face and try to get some work... but I can't do it anymore. I've got zero desire to act anymore... I don't even want to help anyone else. I don't know why I wanted to help anyone else in the first place when I can't even fucking help myself- and now I don't care. This is a crisis, I guess... but I couldn't find a reason to post it in the crisis threads-- I don't feel like anyone else should really care. I feel bad for wishing that I'd never been born. I feel awful for wanting to be dead. If I could just start from scratch though... maybe I could just be a sincere person-- be real and be honest and true to myself? The real me is a bad person... I'm annoying and I hate myself and I hate everyone else and just want to fucking die! If I were really the bland person I pretend to be all the time, then maybe I'd be happy... I don't think I'm going to come back. I'm signing myself out of the hospital today-- and I'm going to drive until I'm out of gas... then that'll be it for me. So sorry, mom and little brother... but you're better off without a fake person like me. Everyone is.