I don't know who I am...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by KittyGirl, Jan 13, 2010.

  1. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I can't sleep tonight... I feel so tired of everything- but I can't even close my eyes for a moment.
    I'm panicking.
    I don't know why I'm here or who I am... I wish I was the person whom I've pretended to be for so long, but I'm not. I don't know what I want to do anymore, and I don't even care. I was going to go to the city today and pretend that I was fine- go to some auditions; put on a brave face and try to get some work... but I can't do it anymore.
    I've got zero desire to act anymore... I don't even want to help anyone else.
    I don't know why I wanted to help anyone else in the first place when I can't even fucking help myself- and now I don't care.

    This is a crisis, I guess... but I couldn't find a reason to post it in the crisis threads-- I don't feel like anyone else should really care.

    I feel bad for wishing that I'd never been born.
    I feel awful for wanting to be dead.
    If I could just start from scratch though... maybe I could just be a sincere person-- be real and be honest and true to myself?
    The real me is a bad person... I'm annoying and I hate myself and I hate everyone else and just want to fucking die! If I were really the bland person I pretend to be all the time, then maybe I'd be happy...

    I don't think I'm going to come back.
    I'm signing myself out of the hospital today-- and I'm going to drive until I'm out of gas... then that'll be it for me.
    So sorry, mom and little brother... but you're better off without a fake person like me. Everyone is.
  2. Oceans

    Oceans Well-Known Member

    Having trouble sleeping sometimes makes us worse. I don't have any solutions but sympathise with what you are going through.

    I'm really sorry you are struggling with your self-concept. I wish i could be more help, I'm there myself. I read your post and I hear you.

    do you have a therapist to help you through this? I'm sure if you do but it may help.

    I am thinking of you.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Vanessa,
    I just went thru a bad time myself.. The members here showed me that there are some out there that care..I finally got three nights of deep sleep and have found out that I wasn't only feeling low because of the holidays but I was also physically drained..
    Talk to your doctor and ask him if he can give you something to help you sleep.. I think once you get a couple of good nights sleep under your belt that you will see things differently..
    Stay with us...Let us support you!!! After a day or two you will see things differently.. Just don't go, you are a valuable member of this family...Take care!!