rah just sitting here wanting to talk... my ex ended a long term relationship a few months ago, he wanted space and freedom. all our friends have kept in contact with him, and due to my depression and anxiety i cant get on with things, so no going out which is very weird for me... friends are pissed at me for cancelling on things i said i would go to etc... but i really cant go out. esp with everyone knowing he didnt want me anymore, that he has got on with shit and that i cant. lately been trying to get into contact with some friends for support but no one gets back to me. no one seems to understand, the only friends im in contact with tell me if hurts to see me like this so they would prefer not to see me its like they think i just need to get better get over it go fuck someone else but its so much more than that ive been depressed and anxious for bout 13 yrs now and have learnt with my ex how to cope with it but now no boyfriend. fucking no one no communication from anyone im 25 and was with him for nearly 7 yrs, i cant go sleep with randoms in hope it will make me feel better... i dont want randoms i just love him so much. i dont know how to not love him my boss made me take holidays cause im not coping at work and having panic attacks and stuff 5 weeks off... i go back tomorrow and feel no different apart from soooooooooo anxious about it, if i end everything tonight i wont need to return to work self medicating as much as possible with as many things as possible oxycontin, speed,dope,sleeping pills, packets of codine washed down with vodka and anything else i can get my hands on feel so alone i wanna be numb and just sleep i dont know what to do anymore how can everything get better when its this bad ive had a few good days in a row and then todays been meltdown i had a papsmear come back as malignant so i had to go in and have some tests and stuff i come home and tried to ring my ex first time in over a 2weeks (and longest we have ever gone without talking in 7 yrs) just needed a little support or something he doesnt answer so upset cause im so paranoid he will replace me i cant stop thinking hes with another women instead of answering my call panic attack mode ive lost my life. i just need to talk to him i need a hug or soemthing his hugs always made things better. constantly feel like im suffocating.