I don't know who to turn to anymore - LGBT story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alone4, May 4, 2013.

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  1. Alone4

    Alone4 New Member

    Hello, I'd like to start this post off by saying that I realize I'm far from perfect and a large part of this is my fault. Also, people who are uncomfortable/homophobic should not read this post. Also, apologies in advance as this will be sort of long.

    I am currently a 20 year old male.

    I realized that I was gay when I was a senior in High School, and came out right after I graduated to all of my friends. When I moved to college, I met a guy there. We immediately hit it off, I had never been around someone I was just naturally comfortable with. Someone I could talk to about anything and just be myself around. We began dating about a month later, and just recently broke up after dating for almost 2 years.

    The relationship was never perfect, and I guess we're both at fault for this. Problems began about 4 months after we started dating, when I found out he had cheated on me. I was very quick to forgive him and try again, hoping this would be the last of our problems. I was wrong.

    After finishing our first year of college, we decided to stay on campus during the summer and move into an apartment together with a friend. I believe this is where the relationship reached the point of no return, but I never realized it.

    The summer was the most miserable I've ever had. We fought quite literally almost every day, and a couple of times the fights got out of hand. 3 times during the summer the fights turned from verbal to physical when I was punched in the face, held down and punched, and thrown to the floor, kicked, and spat on. I won't say that this was entirely his fault as I was not an innocent party, I fought back, I yelled.

    At this point, I had become extremely miserable and withdrawn. I stopped talking to the few friends that I had. I stopped talking to my family. My summer consisted of sitting in my apartment all day, waiting for the next fight to start. I cheated on him at some point during the summer, and he found out. After this it became a constant struggle for him to trust me. I constantly found him going through my phone, laptop, whatever he could get his hands on. However, we sat down and talked, and decided that we wanted to keep trying and "start over" with the relationship. This happened around the same time we started having problems with our roommate.

    I won't go into too much detail, but it ended with her shutting the utilities off in the apartment effectively kicking my boyfriend and I out. Afraid to go home, I moved to his parent's house and lived there for a month until August when school started again.

    August came, and we moved into the same dorm room. Nothing changed, we were still constantly fighting and both cheated on each other again. At this point I had quite literally zero friends left. All I had was him. The only time I ever left my dorm was to go to class. I became so depressed that I dropped out at the end of the semester and moved back home, where I'm attending community college with plans to move out in August to start over at a new school.

    We decided to stay together with plans to attend the same school come August. We lived 5 hours away, so I still saw him frequently, about once or twice a month. We still had fights occasionally, but the long distance had helped a little bit, at least I had thought.

    About 2 days ago, I received a phone call from him asking whether I had cheated on him back in November. I responded truthfully, because I had. He immediately broke up with me and told me he was going to make sure my parents knew I was gay (something I have not yet told them as I am too afraid). When I got home, I found that I had been locked out of facebook and he had messaged everyone in my family telling them that I was gay and had slept with a 34-year old married man (not true). He also hacked and permanently locked me out of my email account, and netflix account. For the next 4 hours, I received numerous texts and calls from him.

    These texts contained messages such as "please just commit suicide" and "kill yourself for grandma" (referring to my recently deceased grandmother), etc etc. I then started receiving phone calls from him every 5 minutes on my home phone. It was him, demanding to speak to my parents. This continued until 2am when he finally gave up, saying he'd continue tomorrow.

    At this point I've become so upset that I just sat in my car for hours, crying. The next day I called the police and made a complaint about being harassed by him. They spoke to him, and he stopped contacting me directly. However, he somehow obtained my parent's email address and has already attempted sending them an e-mail containing horrible lies about me that caused me to break down.

    At this point, his number, facebook, etc, has been blocked but he's still posting things about me on twitter. I wish I could force myself to not read them, but I keep looking back at them.

    Now, I have found myself completely alone. I do not have any friends at all. I have nobody I can confide in, nobody I can talk to. What few friends I had are now gone. I find myself sitting in my room, fading between crying or falling asleep. I have not been able to get out of bed since this happened.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I have nobody left who would give me the time of day. I know that this relationship was unhealthy but I preferred it to having nobody care about me. I'm scared to transfer to a new college where I'll have to try and make new friends (something I've never been good at).

    I'm in too much pain to continue living like this. I don't know who to turn to. I have wanted to end my life for such a long time, and these feelings have intensified so greatly the past few days. i just don't know who to turn to or what to do.
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    You write clearly enough for it to be obvious that you knew you were in a rubbish relationship. The fact it was rubbish doesn't stop you grieving for what you wished and hoped it was going to be. Soon, I hope, you'll be kicking yourself for staying in it so long. Are there any GLTG groups at college or locally? Start again and next time take it a little more slowly.
  3. Alone4

    Alone4 New Member

    I wish I could feel like that, but I just can't see a silver lining in this. there are no support groups nearby that are within driving distance for me, so there is nobody I can reach out to. i just can't find a way to cope with this
  4. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Thought of trying a crisis line? Or do any of the support groups have a help line? I'm not suggesting there was a silver lining. You were in a bad relationship that's ended and that's understandably made you extremely unhappy. That's how anyone, gay and straight would feel.
  5. Sophronia

    Sophronia Member

    This guy is crossing legal boundaries (assuming you are an American). Have you contacted the police about him? Or are you concerned about the content of the information the police would have to learn?
  6. Alone4

    Alone4 New Member

    Yes, I called the police a few days ago and they told him that if he continued harassing me action would be taken. However, the officer apparently told him he was fully within his rights to be sending emails to my parents. The harassment has mostly stopped now but I'm now being threatened with being sued in small claims court for money that he claims I owe him. (less than $100).

    think the most painful part of this is seeing that he's happy, going out with friends and moving on while I'm sitting at home with nobody to talk to at all. I'm still in love with him even after all of the things that have happened.
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Time to shut that door ok slam it even you do not need that kind of love hun That person is not a good person very sick really You need to move on get some new friends join a class of interest do something new hun meet new people now You don't deserve to be harassed and treated that way. I hope your parents file a law suit against him for harassment hugs
  8. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    Alone - you're young. Break ups and the depression that follows are part of life. It's a cliche but "one day at a time" is apropos in these situations. It's tough and you feel like you can't go on. But there will be plenty of other relationships in your life. I went through the same thing with a girl when I was your age and felt the same way, however since them (I'm way older than you) I've been with tons of women. My life isn't great at all, I have major problems right now but the last thing I would let get to me at this point is a broken relationship. I assure you you will find someone else. Just give it time.
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