I think im tired of not having anyone to tell my problems to. Notepad only works so much... honestly I feel guilty just thinking about posting here, like my problems arent bad enough.. which is silly cause if I feel like dieing they must be pretty bad. I guess ive just gotten into the mindset of hiding away and waiting to die in some convenient place where someone wont have to clean up the mess. And thats why im here. Here is my latest rant on notepad, it should help explain my situation in a nutshell. P.S. Was reading the Faq guide and felt even more guilty after reading the part about there being phsyical abuse (well i mean tech I was abused for the first 12 years but w/e), rape , and death in the family. Is it normal to always be comparing your problems to other peoples and find yourself to just be whining? Im gonna post anyway ... just for the sheer fact ... it hurts. "My dad called me to yell at me again, to tell me im doing nothing with my life. Very helpful, thankyou, I hadn't noticed. I dont supose you could offer some CONSTRUCTIVE criticism like , what SHOULD I do with my life and how? Oh, no? You just called to tell me Im a failure again, right well Ill just get on not being a failure by myself again, with no support , no understanding, nothing. Not like a kid my age needs help, obviously his parents have told him how to survive in the world when he was... o wait.. no they didnt. Well im sure they made sure that he would have a place to live while he was going to... o wait... no they didnt. Well I mean obviously if they didnt tell him how to survive on his own, and cant supply a roof over his head, they are obviously giving him some sort of money to start... wait.. they arent doing that either. So obviously the way of the world for this young individual is to go out with no money , no guidance, no place to call his own, and make something of himself, in under a year... O wait your joining the military you say? GREAT! O wait you lied, your not getting in? You shouldnt have lied! What? You wouldnt have gotten in if you lied, that doesnt matter you shouldnt have lied. Oh, your back to doing nothing with your life again , your waiting around for college? Your a failure again. Get a job you bum, who cares what then news says about 40 year olds with masters degrees getting your Mc Donalds job, its obviously all your fault. Meanwhile im assuming that my barrage of you fail at life and you have no support from anyone isnt affecting your mental state at all, esspecially when your birthday is coming up in only a week and youll be spending it alone just like the last christmas. That doesnt matter to you though, your obviously a grown man who has no feelings or concerns and isnt trying desperatly to just survive in life. I really could care less what everyone else thinks, im proud of myself every day I wake up , just for the sheer fact I wake up. The countless times I've thought about giving up and just dieing and each time telling myself NO, I can do this, I can survive the impossible and get away from all this shit and never deal with these people again. I am proud of that. Most people couldnt understand how much willpower that takes, and im sure the people who do understand arent talking about it. No, I will wake up each morning and fail again, because one day I wont fail. Because that as long as I have a chance at success even with everyone tearing at my will, I can still try. And its funny really, because the few things that give me comfort in these times of rediculous mean and very unhelpful people, is apparently just another failure, just another waste of time. Yet I will continue doing it anyway , because regardless of how many times they yell at me and look at me like im a piece of trash, it helps me keep sane and alive. (**note* this is a reference to video games not what you think*) Its funny really, I only needed to survive till January and start school. But for me , even a month sometimes, is just to long, let alone 2 and a half. I'd give anything for other peoples problems, in a heart beat. I'd love to have mortgage payments, debt up to my ears, the possibility of losing my job. At least at that point, I have something to lose. Right now ... I have a suitcase."