I dont know why, but im here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fightformyviolin, Oct 11, 2009.

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  1. Fightformyviolin

    Fightformyviolin New Member

    I think im tired of not having anyone to tell my problems to. Notepad only works so much... honestly I feel guilty just thinking about posting here, like my problems arent bad enough.. which is silly cause if I feel like dieing they must be pretty bad. I guess ive just gotten into the mindset of hiding away and waiting to die in some convenient place where someone wont have to clean up the mess. And thats why im here. Here is my latest rant on notepad, it should help explain my situation in a nutshell.

    P.S. Was reading the Faq guide and felt even more guilty after reading the part about there being phsyical abuse (well i mean tech I was abused for the first 12 years but w/e), rape , and death in the family. Is it normal to always be comparing your problems to other peoples and find yourself to just be whining? Im gonna post anyway ... just for the sheer fact ... it hurts.

    "My dad called me to yell at me again, to tell me im doing nothing with my life. Very helpful, thankyou, I hadn't noticed. I dont supose you could offer some CONSTRUCTIVE criticism like , what SHOULD I do with my life and how? Oh, no? You just called to tell me Im a failure again, right well Ill just get on not being a failure by myself again, with no support , no understanding, nothing. Not like a kid my age needs help, obviously his parents have told him how to survive in the world when he was... o wait.. no they didnt. Well im sure they made sure that he would have a place to live while he was going to... o wait... no they didnt. Well I mean obviously if they didnt tell him how to survive on his own, and cant supply a roof over his head, they are obviously giving him some sort of money to start... wait.. they arent doing that either. So obviously the way of the world for this young individual is to go out with no money , no guidance, no place to call his own, and make something of himself, in under a year... O wait your joining the military you say? GREAT! O wait you lied, your not getting in? You shouldnt have lied! What? You wouldnt have gotten in if you lied, that doesnt matter you shouldnt have lied. Oh, your back to doing nothing with your life again , your waiting around for college? Your a failure again. Get a job you bum, who cares what then news says about 40 year olds with masters degrees getting your Mc Donalds job, its obviously all your fault. Meanwhile im assuming that my barrage of you fail at life and you have no support from anyone isnt affecting your mental state at all, esspecially when your birthday is coming up in only a week and youll be spending it alone just like the last christmas. That doesnt matter to you though, your obviously a grown man who has no feelings or concerns and isnt trying desperatly to just survive in life.

    I really could care less what everyone else thinks, im proud of myself every day I wake up , just for the sheer fact I wake up. The countless times I've thought about giving up and just dieing and each time telling myself NO, I can do this, I can survive the impossible and get away from all this shit and never deal with these people again. I am proud of that. Most people couldnt understand how much willpower that takes, and im sure the people who do understand arent talking about it.

    No, I will wake up each morning and fail again, because one day I wont fail. Because that as long as I have a chance at success even with everyone tearing at my will, I can still try.

    And its funny really, because the few things that give me comfort in these times of rediculous mean and very unhelpful people, is apparently just another failure, just another waste of time. Yet I will continue doing it anyway , because regardless of how many times they yell at me and look at me like im a piece of trash, it helps me keep sane and alive. (**note* this is a reference to video games not what you think*)

    Its funny really, I only needed to survive till January and start school. But for me , even a month sometimes, is just to long, let alone 2 and a half.

    I'd give anything for other peoples problems, in a heart beat. I'd love to have mortgage payments, debt up to my ears, the possibility of losing my job. At least at that point, I have something to lose. Right now ... I have a suitcase."
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN


    First of all, welcome to the site.

    It sucks that your parents don't seem to know how to do anything besides put you down. I hope you'll keep posting here, and I'm around a lot if you ever feel like talking. :hug:
  3. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    Heya, firstly you've found a great place to post, to get your feelings out there, and have people to talk to. Hope to see you around the place, and don't try to compare your pain to other peoples. Each persons pain is important, as it is theres, they have to feel it, and whatever the cause, it hurts.

    Anyway, the first thing i will say to you, is that your dad can just go fuck off... hope that doesn't offend you, but i had 22 years of that shit from my father, unrepenting put downs, no support, no help, from his high and mighty throne laying on the couch in front of the TV all day. That attitude is one i have no sympathy for, and hence, the bluntness. Don't let someone like that dictate your self worth in any way.

    You're aiming to continue education for now, and that is a good thing. Jobs are hard to come by everywhere, and many many people are looking for somewhere to work, so its not a failure on your part not to have a job. I finished my degree last year, and am in a rubbish sales job, you need to just take whatever opportunities you can, keep trying, and try to survive until things improve on that front.

    And video games are an excellent way of keeping your mind working, as a distraction, a way to vent feelings, so as long as it is not to an unhealthy degree, keep doing what works best for you to keep yourself going.

    Finally, and most importantly, you said you are proud of yourself each day you wake up. Keep that with you, and slowly try to get pride out of other things. Life is for the long haul, not just a sprint. Take survival for now, and build on it on your terms, for yourself.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    fightformyviolin love that part. NEVER never let anyone make you feel like trash because you are not. You can and will do well on your time not theirs. I too was treated like trash spit on from class mates. Had absolutely nothing but i showed all of them i didn't need anyone and yes i did something with my life.
    It is a victory each time we wake up and hold on for another day because we won they didn't break us. I hope you continue to win to show all of them you are someone important and deserves happiness. When you make up your mind what you want to do reach out and get help from coucillors at the school they will help you. Know we are here to for support and i hope you continue to be victorious in facing each day and winning against all the crap people throw at you.
  5. Fightformyviolin

    Fightformyviolin New Member

    Thankyou for everyone whos responding, it was a harsh morning wake up call =/. I feel a little better now, esspecially after reading your supportive replies.

    I dont plan on giving up till I just dont have the ability to try anymore, but man sometimes the pain makes it so hard to function or even get out of bed to try.

    Hopefully when I enroll Ill have a bit of my self worth back, cause right now.. i feel like im wasting oxygen.

    I totally depressed eat today lol... but i guess its 100x better then the alternatives.
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