I don't know why I am the way I am.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Thissong, Aug 20, 2012.

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  1. Thissong

    Thissong New Member

    So far I've seen plenty of sad stories. I don't think my life is really worse than anyone else's so far. All I know is that I'm not happy. I have no clue what's going to make me happy. I want help and can't find it. The harder I try, the more pointless it all feels. I know that I don't want anyone to ever feel the way I do. I know that plenty of people have lives full of pain that overshadow mine greatly and they still find a way to cope and be happy. I feel like maybe I'm broken, or maybe my environment is broken. Something is broken. I have so many questions and no answers. I don't want to make anyone hurt or feel sad. I just want to feel ok. I do t even know that I want to be happy, just that I want to be able to live without worrying. I want to get things out of my mind. I want to live without people telling me I'm wrong all the time. I don't understand how being a vegetarian makes me a bad person. I don't understand why my desire to be positive when other people are so negative makes people so mad. I feel like I'm a good person. I feel like everytime I stand up for myself, people start to hate me for it. I feel kind of stupid for being so hurt. I don't understand why I feel like a target. I just want to have one day when I don't see evidence with my own eyes that the people I love and bend over backwards to help, don't care. They don't care that they screw me over. They don't see me as another person. Apparently I'm some sort of braggart. Apparently I can't tell anyone theyre wrong. And not about opinions, I'm talking about facts. I'm tired of being forced to let people say and do whatever they want to me or about me and not have a response for the sake of keeping the peace. Nobody defends me when I'm right. It's an everyday thing. I have no allies. No friends. Nobody to trust. It's just me.
     
  2. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    :hug: people at Sf are different, and i hope you can find that in us... Are you diagnosed with depression? It sounds alot like what you are describing, may be impacted by depression, at least feeling unhappy, yet not knowing what is making you feel that way or what to do about it... as for having a hard time with people, its hard to give an answer to that. people are funny things and something they are just plain cruel to someone for no reason... i hope you can find better people on Sf, because i know there are tons! Im here to talk if you ever want an open ear, and my pm box is always open :hug:
     
  3. Thissong

    Thissong New Member

    I appreciate your kind words. Just checking my email to see that at least one person read my thoughts made me feel better. Even though I know that as soon as I go back home I'll have to sneak in. It makes me a little calmer for the moment. Thank you for reading my post and commenting. Its strange but, in a way it makes me upset to know that there are compassionate people in the world, I just can't find them. It would be awesome to have one person say something even remotely as comforting to me face to face, but everybody thinks I'm an asshole I guess. So I'll just keep to myself and seek temporary refuge on the Internet as just another ghost with no face or name. Just someone crying in the digital dark, hoping one person has an answer and that they hear me.
     
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