Sorry, yet another ranting thread from me. Ignore this if you want.
Yesterday I started uni. I didn't freak out and hide like I was scared I would, but I met a girl whose cousin i used to be friends with. I ended up hanging around with her and another girl during the break between lectures (3 hours). I ended up kind of a third wheel at times. It was pretty awkward for all of us I guess, three's a crowd and all that. And then I missed two buses on the way home (one from Glasgow out...one from the nearby town to here).
Today I had to go in for the introduction to German. Now, you may remember me complaining about having to stand around for 15 minutes on registration day waiting for a languages lecturer to become free, so I could ask them whether to take the beginning class or the more advanced one. After some deliberation and me explaining the situation (haven't done it for a year...really struggled with it...would feel more comfortable not struggling to keep up with this when I have four other subjects, etc.) the Italian tutor decided, ok, take the beginners class. And if anyone asks why you're doing it when you have a Higher, just explain this to them. So that was ok.
When I got to the class today, I was like 25 minutes early. So we were all kicking our heels in the hallway until the lecturer and convenor arrived. She started talking about the class and then said "Anyone with a Higher, A-Level or equivalent - leave now. Go to the other class, tomorrow." And so I was thinking, "Crap. Should I leave? But that guy told me to come here..." So I sat there for another five minutes until she came over, passing out enrolment forms, and I asked her. And she said, "If you've got a Higher you shouldn't be here!" and I said, you know, how much I'd struggled and how I failed my prelim and all this. And then she said, "What grade did you get?" And I knew I couldn't lie in case she checked up on it and was mad, so I said, "An A...but nobody could understand how." And then she said, "Well, if you've got an A, I can't accept you into this class." And then just walked off.
And so I had to walk out.
And then when I got to the book shop I couldn't find the books I was looking for. Eventually I found one, and the queue was massive. When I got halfway up in the queue I looked over and saw a whole other rack of English books I hadn't noticed before...but I just gave up. I bought the Sociology books and came home.
The whole time this was going on, I was just trying not to cry. I hate this. I know it's all new and everything, but I missed the first meeting of RAG last night because I didn't know that was on either. And I know it's completely normal to be overwhelmed by uni, but...I just feel so all over the place, and so ready to cry all the time. I was crying just reading a PM this morning. Everyone in the family is expecting me to do well because I'm the first one on my mum's side to even go to uni, and there's just so much going on...and so much in my head...
When I first got out of the classroom onto the stairwell, I was mad and trying not to cry...but I wasn't mad at the teacher, I was mad at myself. It doesn't even make any sense. I was just so mad and so upset...I wanted to hurt myself so badly. Lately it's gotten so much worse...it's been nearly a year (October 19th) and I can't cut now, I just can't, but I can't handle this
Anytime I want to cry I can't, and then at the rare times I actually am alone and it would be ok, I can't.
Everything's just all piling up, and all screwed up, and people are trying to get me to talk to them but I don't want to dump this on them, and so I don't even really know why I'm posting. Maybe because this way it's no one being left to deal with it, people can just ignore it if they want. I wouldn't blame them if they did, all I'm doing at the moment is whinging.
I just feel so...screwed up.
Sorry :cry:
Yesterday I started uni. I didn't freak out and hide like I was scared I would, but I met a girl whose cousin i used to be friends with. I ended up hanging around with her and another girl during the break between lectures (3 hours). I ended up kind of a third wheel at times. It was pretty awkward for all of us I guess, three's a crowd and all that. And then I missed two buses on the way home (one from Glasgow out...one from the nearby town to here).
Today I had to go in for the introduction to German. Now, you may remember me complaining about having to stand around for 15 minutes on registration day waiting for a languages lecturer to become free, so I could ask them whether to take the beginning class or the more advanced one. After some deliberation and me explaining the situation (haven't done it for a year...really struggled with it...would feel more comfortable not struggling to keep up with this when I have four other subjects, etc.) the Italian tutor decided, ok, take the beginners class. And if anyone asks why you're doing it when you have a Higher, just explain this to them. So that was ok.
When I got to the class today, I was like 25 minutes early. So we were all kicking our heels in the hallway until the lecturer and convenor arrived. She started talking about the class and then said "Anyone with a Higher, A-Level or equivalent - leave now. Go to the other class, tomorrow." And so I was thinking, "Crap. Should I leave? But that guy told me to come here..." So I sat there for another five minutes until she came over, passing out enrolment forms, and I asked her. And she said, "If you've got a Higher you shouldn't be here!" and I said, you know, how much I'd struggled and how I failed my prelim and all this. And then she said, "What grade did you get?" And I knew I couldn't lie in case she checked up on it and was mad, so I said, "An A...but nobody could understand how." And then she said, "Well, if you've got an A, I can't accept you into this class." And then just walked off.
And so I had to walk out.
And then when I got to the book shop I couldn't find the books I was looking for. Eventually I found one, and the queue was massive. When I got halfway up in the queue I looked over and saw a whole other rack of English books I hadn't noticed before...but I just gave up. I bought the Sociology books and came home.
The whole time this was going on, I was just trying not to cry. I hate this. I know it's all new and everything, but I missed the first meeting of RAG last night because I didn't know that was on either. And I know it's completely normal to be overwhelmed by uni, but...I just feel so all over the place, and so ready to cry all the time. I was crying just reading a PM this morning. Everyone in the family is expecting me to do well because I'm the first one on my mum's side to even go to uni, and there's just so much going on...and so much in my head...
When I first got out of the classroom onto the stairwell, I was mad and trying not to cry...but I wasn't mad at the teacher, I was mad at myself. It doesn't even make any sense. I was just so mad and so upset...I wanted to hurt myself so badly. Lately it's gotten so much worse...it's been nearly a year (October 19th) and I can't cut now, I just can't, but I can't handle this
Anytime I want to cry I can't, and then at the rare times I actually am alone and it would be ok, I can't.Everything's just all piling up, and all screwed up, and people are trying to get me to talk to them but I don't want to dump this on them, and so I don't even really know why I'm posting. Maybe because this way it's no one being left to deal with it, people can just ignore it if they want. I wouldn't blame them if they did, all I'm doing at the moment is whinging.
I just feel so...screwed up.
Sorry :cry:
