I don't know why I'm bothering with this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kiria, Mar 10, 2015.

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  1. Kiria

    Kiria Member

    Okay, first, if I don't get back to you guys/take a while, it doesn't mean I've done anything stupid. It just means my mom is driving me absolutely bats*** insane today and I don't have time or feel up to talking. So why am I bothering to post this, is what I keep asking myself.

    I feel like killing myself today. I honestly wouldn't have much of a problem with ending it, if only to get away from my mom. I love her, I do, even though I'm pretty sure sometimes she doesn't deserve it. (Not getting into that.) Her dementia is screwing with her in a big way today, as it has been for the last couple weeks on/off (mostly on). She's constantly up and coming in to ask things (mumbling and not making sense), taking things out of the trash and re-using them, ignoring every damn thing I say but listening to my brother (sort of), she's literally just driving us both to the brink of despair.

    Before anyone says 'hire someone to help out' 'get her into a program' 'medicate her' or 'put her in a home', we can't. Not getting into those reasons either, I'm close enough to the edge as it is. I just want her to shut the hell up and sit down for a few hours. Nothing distracts her, at all. I need to relax and maybe try and write something before I hurt myself. I can't even think in complete sentences anymore because of her. I'm surprised this is coherent.

    I'm off my meds again 'cause I never have any time to eat properly and take them; I've got pre-op tomorrow morning (EARLY) for surgery on the 25th. It's gonna take hours, and then I get to come home to this. Again. I get Sundays off, usually between 2-5 hrs while she's out, but it's not enough anymore.

    I don't want to die, I just want away from her. But if she goes away, I end up homeless. Everyone keeps telling me it'll get better, hang on, and I don't see the point at all. I'm a worthless inconvenience that apparently is only good for wiping my mom's ass when she needs help in the bathroom, and I'm tired of it. I've got my own problems that I can't even begin to address 'cause I'm so busy trying to keep her's in check.

    It's getting harder and harder to bother giving a damn about anyone, especially myself. About the only time she seems to calm down and leave me alone is when I give up, turn off my lights, pull my curtains shut, and stare at a blank tv. Then she's fine. Joke being that if I even think about picking up a pen to write/reach for my phone to check something/have a happy thought, bam, there she is again. I'm not even kidding.

    If I had a safe place to live with my cats (even one of my cats, when we lose the house I'm gonna have to have them all put to sleep, I doubt I'll find a no-kill shelter that can take all 7 with little to no warning, 'cause that's what we'll have) and my junk, I'd throw her in a home in a heartbeat. I don't care how callous it sounds, I'm worn out and sick of this.

    ...And the constant clicking of her tv going on/off has begun again. I got her therapy toys to distract her from this, I've been trying to get her to reach for those when she feels the need to mess with the remote. Sometimes it works. Mostly it doesn't. At least the toys were cheap.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, I am sorry to hear that you are suffering but you have tremendous support for you mum. Of course you need some me time but staying in a dark room is not nice as it will cause more isolation and anxiety. I not going tell you to seek advice but if you can find something that will occupy you mind outside the home environment that might you relax.

    I hope everything goes well with the operation and wish you a speedy recovery. By, it good that you posted your feelings here as I hope it helped you to release your emotion. Keep posting here and be safe, PLEASE.
  3. Tjh

    Tjh Active Member

    It sucks that you're struggling to care for your mother, but try take care of yourself too kiria.
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