I don't know why I'm reaching out right now

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Dutiful Girl, Mar 4, 2015.

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  1. Dutiful Girl

    Dutiful Girl New Member

    People often tell me that taking your own life is a selfish act. They say that It leaves a terrible legacy for the children, family, and friends left behind and that would be selfish.
    The lifetime of abuse I've been through is testament to the selfish acts of others. I don't consider the removal of oneself from a life of pain and anguish selfish. Was I just placed here then for other people to beat up, kick around, manipulate and fuck over? Then yes, I would imagine it would be selfish to remove myself from a world destined to inflict pain on me. If friends and family want to see me continue an anguished life of horror and relive all the terrible things other people can do to me, they are the ones being selfish! I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to have to face something else! Childhood abuse and ridicule from a mother, rape and repeated abuse from boyfriends and strangers, drug addiction and children who don't want you around calling you toxic, enemies posing as friends so they can fuck your abusive husband! I give up, I want no more of this! The situation I was born to set the foundation for a lifetime of therapy, counseling, group meetings, halfway houses, detoxes, abuse forums, etc., all so I can learn to live with what I had no control over. I don't want to learn to deal with it anymore and frankly I believe life asks for too much!! If I chose to be here then I choose not to be here anymore. It's not right to keep this crappy life going so other people won't feel bad about you leaving. Who would ask such a thing from another? A Selfish world!
  2. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter


    it's a selfish world but there is potential for happiness in it. I really hope you will find it despite everything you lived.
  3. Hi Dutiful Girl,
    I understand where your coming from. There are days where I just wish that I were dead. I also have days that are much more tolerable. I imagine that you are reaching out because there is a part of you that, despite the suicidal feelings, that wants to keep on fighting. I know what you mean about how aggravating it is when people talk about suicide being a selfish act and how it can seem like all that they care about is themselves and seem to dismiss your pain. There's no magic answer or solution, but I imagine that after all of the suffering that you've been through, you've got quite the fighting spirit in you. I hope that you continue on fighting.
  4. Dutiful Girl

    Dutiful Girl New Member

    Thank you both. I'm moving forward, as it is. I forget how much of a fighter I am sometimes, lost in the eye of the storm. These feelings come on me like waves, just crashing in and washing over me and often I want to let go and let the wave take me under. I get so tired of fighting. I wonder if the moments of bliss, the brief episodes of happiness is worth all this pain and agony. The grief, pain,overwhelms to the point of entertaining how I'll leave it all here and fall into the deep sleep.

    I love Tom Petty, that song is a favorite. I connected to it, thanks for bring it to me again.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 6, 2015
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    All the pain you suffered is harsh but as you say YOU ARE A FIGHTER. Please keep posting here when you are low. You will always get a reply from someone. Be safe.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi dutiful girl and here's a warm welcome to the forum :hug:

    I just want to say that you have been through SO much and as they say, when you're going through hell, keep going. I do not think suicide is selfish but do not think it's the road to go down either. You write very well, I like your use of wording. How old are you? Just curious? How do you spend your days?

    If you could change anything what would that anything be? Here at SF, we care about each other, we're like a big family :)
  7. Dutiful Girl

    Dutiful Girl New Member

    Petal, I'm in my late 40's most of the time, there are times I'm 9 years old again. I don't have the capacity not to keep going forward. I feel so defeated sometimes but as the days go forward, it seems it takes me with it. I left my abusive husband last week, ran away to another state to save what was left of my sanity and life, for what it's worth right now. I spend my days now looking to rebuild what's left of me. I have friends that are caring and supportive. I have woman's group I joined last week. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet but, I'll keep going until I figure it out. I'm working on changing things. If I could make a drivers license, job and apartment magically appear right now, that's what I would change. I feel deformed, missing parts of my front teeth. I suppose I would change that first. I'm working on caring enough to do it. In the interim I don't look in the mirror too often. I find it difficult to vocalize what I'm feeling, writing makes it easier for me to process. I'm grateful to know you can appreciate my words. It's what I have in me now that I like most.
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