I have nothing to live for, my parents have never honestly shown me love, they dont even know me. Most of my more distant family view me as an outcast, Im nothing they can be proud of, some of them treat me like Im retarded. The "friends" I have never want anything to do with me unless they can use me for something, seriously, the only time anyone ever calls or texts me, its to ask me to do something for them, every now and then theyll "reward" me by allowing me to stay and hang out with them. I have one true friend though, but hes more suicidal than I am, and hes an online, long distance friend. I want to live for him but I dont think hed do the same. All I ever wanted was to be accepted, now Im 21, I have nobody, making friends is near impossible at my age, or at least thats the idea thats been pounded into my head for the last few years, no ones ever stood up for me, no ones ever fought for me, whenever I talk to anyone about my problems, Im met with cold and impersonal advice on what they think I should do. All I want is a friend but all I get is advice. I dont want what other people think is best for me, I want to be myself and be loved for it. I have a strong sense of self hate from my upbringing, as a kid any time Id be proud of myself, my dad would tear me apart because I was "showing off" when I tried to stand up for what was right, I would be yelled at and punished for "making a scene" whenever anyone else had a problem with me, the question was always "what did I do wrong?" no one ever took my side, everything was always my fault. When? When will this end? When will I finally be told that I matter, that Im worth something, that someone loves me? Will I ever be happy in this life?