>.> <.< :mellow: I dont know if this is the right place for this but anyways, First of all i don't mean to offend anyone: if you offend easy please dont read this just go on to the next topic. if your an emotional person or in a bad mood i would advise against reading my post.... Still reading ok you had a your warning: anyway i read some other posts and i guess i dont really have the right to be posting any thing here alot of of people seem alot worse off then me, <mod edit - Robin - Offensive>. then there is the person who really got problems that every thing in the world that could possibly go wrong does and you want to die, or wat ever the case may be i guess i dont really fall into any catagory. but anyway on to my problem or what ever it is: recently for the past couple of weeks i been obsessing over the idea of suicide i spent almost every waking moment inventing new ways i could kill myself. unlike most of the people here i know i probably wont do it but its kinda bugging me. i have no reason to do it, i have every thing a person could want in life, im well off, i have a good job, great friends, a loving familiy, i go to school and im about to become a doctor as ironic as that seems. but i cant stop thinking of it. its weird it happens like: For an example say im making a sandwich or something when i hold the knife in my hand i think things like: i could just fall on this knife and make it look like an accident but i have to angle it to hit my heart so i should fall from my knees to insure my accuracy. or just random things like that all day every day. its not like i want to. its just i think of it just so matter of factly: like its just a normal part of my routine, i kinda scare myself some times. i talked to my girlfriend about it and no body takes me serious she jokingly says things like "you'd never do it" (laughing) or "I could stop you if you actually tried" and things got awkward after i said things like no one could stop me, if i wanted to i could go to walmart buy a shot gun shell and put it in my mouth hit the blast cap with a nail and blow my head off splattering my brains all over the ceiling, but i dont want to... its just something i can't stop thinking about. besides if i was gonna do it i would make it look accidental or maybe a murder like i can take a hypodermic needle filled with gasoline and inject it in to a lightbulb and when i turn the light on it will explode and burn my self to death, painful but effective. i think it might have something to do with this new epilepsy medication im taking called neurontin. ever since i started taking that stuff i havent been sleeping for days at a time then i pass out wake up more beat up then i was then when i went to sleep and then the insomnia comes back again day after day, plus all i can think about is killing my self some times others though i dont think i would, im really a nice guy or i used to be, i dont wanna do these things, its just kinda like some thing i think about like its no big deal just something that happens but my doctors tell me there is nothing wrong with me or the medication im taking and dont belive me and wont prescribe me sleeping pills cause they say i have "drug seeking behavior" all i wanna do is get some sleep and be normal again. i tried to stop taking the stuff but i instantly had a seizure that day. if i miss a pill i have a seizure so i gotta keep taking it. it makes me numb and nothing feels real its like im dreaming or sleepwalking. detached from the reality life just passes me by as i watch my self and invent new ways cool ways to die or some times to kill, a friend or 2 made fun of me saying "ur like that guy in fight club" but i beg to differ. i think i might be better at making home made explosives, making plastic explosives from nitroglycerin is good but its not as easy to detonate. like: I can go to chem lab and cook up some Nitrogen triiodide, all the ingrediants and tools are there because small amounts of nitrogen triiodide are sometimes made as a demonstration to high school and (in my case) university chemistry students. its harmless in liquid form but when it dries its very explosive. its a contact explosive at that, it explodes like gunpowder when touched even lightly for instance it is usually detonated by touching it with a feather (for class demonstrations) but even the slightest air current or other movement can cause detonation, releasing an orange to purple cloud of iodine vapor. its easy enough to make and i can think of all kinds of things I can do with that. I can soak it on a pice of paper and stick it under a door. if I or some one where to open that door it would not be pretty. even if one where to live youd be missing legs and ur d**k (dont mean to curse) and wats the point to life for a guy if u dont have a d**k? dont even get me started on napalm, ok i better stop caz some sick people out there may get ideas i do not advocate doing these things. these are just some things that haunt me, thats what really scares me im too smart for my own good and i can be very inventive. o and sorry for wasting ur time and ur life for reading this, maybe ill pay it back some day.