I don't know why.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SumDumGuy, Sep 22, 2007.

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  1. SumDumGuy

    SumDumGuy Guest




    I dont know if this is the right place for this but anyways,

    First of all i don't mean to offend anyone: if you offend easy please dont read this just go on to the next topic. if your an emotional person or in a bad mood i would advise against reading my post....

    Still reading ok you had a your warning:
    anyway i read some other posts and i guess i dont really have the right to be posting any thing here alot of of people seem alot worse off then me, <mod edit - Robin - Offensive>. then there is the person who really got problems that every thing in the world that could possibly go wrong does and you want to die, or wat ever the case may be i guess i dont really fall into any catagory.

    but anyway on to my problem or what ever it is:
    recently for the past couple of weeks i been obsessing over the idea of suicide i spent almost every waking moment inventing new ways i could kill myself. unlike most of the people here i know i probably wont do it but its kinda bugging me. i have no reason to do it, i have every thing a person could want in life, im well off, i have a good job, great friends, a loving familiy, i go to school and im about to become a doctor as ironic as that seems. but i cant stop thinking of it.

    its weird it happens like:
    For an example say im making a sandwich or something when i hold the knife in my hand i think things like: i could just fall on this knife and make it look like an accident but i have to angle it to hit my heart so i should fall from my knees to insure my accuracy. or just random things like that all day every day. its not like i want to.

    its just i think of it just so matter of factly:
    like its just a normal part of my routine, i kinda scare myself some times. i talked to my girlfriend about it and no body takes me serious she jokingly says things like "you'd never do it" (laughing) or "I could stop you if you actually tried" and things got awkward after i said things like no one could stop me, if i wanted to i could go to walmart buy a shot gun shell and put it in my mouth hit the blast cap with a nail and blow my head off splattering my brains all over the ceiling, but i dont want to... its just something i can't stop thinking about. besides if i was gonna do it i would make it look accidental or maybe a murder like i can take a hypodermic needle filled with gasoline and inject it in to a lightbulb and when i turn the light on it will explode and burn my self to death, painful but effective.

    i think it might have something to do with this new epilepsy medication im taking called neurontin. ever since i started taking that stuff i havent been sleeping for days at a time then i pass out wake up more beat up then i was then when i went to sleep and then the insomnia comes back again day after day, plus all i can think about is killing my self some times others though i dont think i would, im really a nice guy or i used to be, i dont wanna do these things, its just kinda like some thing i think about like its no big deal just something that happens but my doctors tell me there is nothing wrong with me or the medication im taking and dont belive me and wont prescribe me sleeping pills cause they say i have "drug seeking behavior" all i wanna do is get some sleep and be normal again. i tried to stop taking the stuff but i instantly had a seizure that day. if i miss a pill i have a seizure so i gotta keep taking it.

    it makes me numb and nothing feels real its like im dreaming or sleepwalking. detached from the reality life just passes me by as i watch my self and invent new ways cool ways to die or some times to kill, a friend or 2 made fun of me saying "ur like that guy in fight club" but i beg to differ. i think i might be better at making home made explosives, making plastic explosives from nitroglycerin is good but its not as easy to detonate. like: I can go to chem lab and cook up some Nitrogen triiodide, all the ingrediants and tools are there because small amounts of nitrogen triiodide are sometimes made as a demonstration to high school and (in my case) university chemistry students. its harmless in liquid form but when it dries its very explosive. its a contact explosive at that, it explodes like gunpowder when touched even lightly for instance it is usually detonated by touching it with a feather (for class demonstrations) but even the slightest air current or other movement can cause detonation, releasing an orange to purple cloud of iodine vapor. its easy enough to make and i can think of all kinds of things I can do with that. I can soak it on a pice of paper and stick it under a door. if I or some one where to open that door it would not be pretty. even if one where to live youd be missing legs and ur d**k (dont mean to curse) and wats the point to life for a guy if u dont have a d**k? dont even get me started on napalm,

    ok i better stop caz some sick people out there may get ideas i do not advocate doing these things. these are just some things that haunt me, thats what really scares me im too smart for my own good and i can be very inventive.

    o and sorry for wasting ur time and ur life for reading this, maybe ill pay it back some day.
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2007
  2. mango_goose

    mango_goose Active Member

    Firstly its not a waste of time to be reading your post...
    You seem like a very honest person and i know where you are coming form..
    I also have epilepsy ( and i HATE it with a passion)
    Anyways alot of the anti convulsent medication does maek you think like that... I dont know anything about the one you are taking but as soon as i started taking epilim i started getting thoughts like the ones you have described.... ATM you think that you would never do it... but if you put up with those thoughts for long enough you might!!

    Um, heres a link to another forums it has an epilepsy section so someone there might be able to tell you if that is a side affect of the medication your on... my name on that sight is mango_girl....i think
    Everyone there is pretty nice... as they are on here to.
    I hope ya feel better soon,
    Good luck
  3. SumDumGuy

    SumDumGuy Guest

    thanks for the info, I dont really feel like an honest person i feel like im a big faker i dont really wanna kill my self yet im here. im addicted to reading about other peoples problems cause it makes me feel like my life isnt that bad, maybe im a horrible person but i cant help myself. and "Feel better?" nothing is really wrong i feel great... never better, can't sleep but other than that im quite fine. =)
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2007
  4. mango_goose

    mango_goose Active Member

    well you came in here and said straight that you know that you probably wont do it... which makes me think your honest....
    you could have come in and said that you were gonna do it when you knew you werent... seems honest to me...
  5. SumDumGuy

    SumDumGuy Guest

    ok well then let me be perfectly honest, im not such a nice guy anymore ive become the worse pice of human trash and the biggest cynical scumbag ive ever met. i have a problem; a disease is more like it i dont just wanna hurt myself but i wanna take others with me, the whole world in fact: i wanna smother those exotic beachs ill never afford to go to with oil, I wanna wipe my @$$ with the mona lisa, i wanna work at a toy factory and spray everything with lead paint (no thats lame) better yet a pet food company and put rat poison in all the food may all those cute kittens and puppies die of vitamin k deficiency and bleed from every oraphis. (god im a puppy killer =/ and i used to be a nice guy) I want to spray chlorofluorocarbons into the air in mass quantities and choke away what little ozone we have left. I want to cut down the rain forest for a single tooth pick, I want the whole damn world to hit rock bottom, why should we have to clean up the world and recycle, and "think green" and other such things. why should i clean up some one elses mess? i was born into this rotting world so im gonna leave it that way. im fed up and bored of this life and the people in it... i watch the news and all i see is war and the evils of humanity. people throwing their lives away and killing for some "holy" cause. these hypocrits kill, steal, lie, rape, and torture one another in the name of peace, and justice. what the hell kind of world do we live in? i never asked for this, thats why i say we need to be wiped clean... may humanity thin out their numbers go ahead and fight ur wars and kill every one its population control, one day after we all die the planet can recover on its own, it doesnt need me to recycle when big companys dump toxic waste byproducts in the world's landfills, oceans, lakes, and things. how can one person make a differance why does every one expect "me" (or you or anyone) to do something about it. all our efforts and any thing u ever do will only amount to nothing after we are all dead and buried there is no point to this existence...

    ok.... im getting kinda carried away, sorry about that, im not a crazy person a swear =) i dont know, im just really bored and when im bored i think of not such nice things i got alot of time on my hands because i dont sleep its 3:57 am here. people spent about 1/3rd of there enitre life a sleep but not me, i dont have that luxuray i cant sleep, so i spend all my time thinking these things, again i dont think i would ever act on these thoughts its just i cant help it, its driving me insane every waking moment of every single day. Its almost like im 2 people in one body maybe im bipolar lol idk but i know i need some kinda help just dont know wat that is. (if any one says anything about going to therapy i will freaking castrate you), sorry again when im really tired and i cant sleep i feel like i have a evil split personality with tourette syndrome. lol =)
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2007
  6. debbiej

    debbiej Member

    Have you tried looking into herbal sleeping pills? I mean, to aid in falling asleep.

    I highly doubt overdosing on them would kill you, so they are available over the counter. My mom takes them; they help with her back and her insomnia. I tried them once, and it gave me peaceful, dreamless sleep. And if you don't want to buy herbal remedy sleeping pills, buy some other type of sleeping medication. Maybe you can't buy just plain sleeping pills, but maybe you could try Tylenol PM or some other medicine.

    Not sleeping, and then having to deal with those side effects of that medication - without sleeping - is not a good combination. If you are, as you say, bored, why not go outside and exercise? Run a lap or two around a track. I have to do that sort of thing when I'm bored, because not only does it wear me out like I need it to, but I run so slow that running or jogging a lap kills about five minutes. I like to run a whole mile, so I kill about half an hour or so.

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