I don't know why

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by xTheBlondex, Sep 16, 2008.

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  1. xTheBlondex

    xTheBlondex Well-Known Member

    I don't know why I feel like this.. well I kind of do.. I'm not thinking about the bad things that have been happening recently but I think sub conciously I am.. but Sub conciously is not good because I can't tell myself I'm being stupid because I don't know what I'm thinking...

    I just read that back to myself and I understand what I mean but you probally won't... I just want to die.. I've tried so many times to do it but everytime I wake up... I haven't tried recently because of my dad dying I feel it would hurt too many people to take my own life but.. I don't think I can handle just existing and not living.

    I had a reasonably good day no1 upset me and I even laughed a little.. but I come home and my brain goes on over drive there is so much going on in my head that I don't even know what I'm thinking but I know its there!

    :cry: Someone please tell me I'm not the only one?!
  2. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    youre not the only one. i understand what you wrote, what you meant. i understand and i'm here for you. i'm not a very solid rock myself right now, but worse case scenario: you lean against my back, i lean against yours and we both stay standing.
  3. xTheBlondex

    xTheBlondex Well-Known Member

    Thank you for reply abyss, I feel that I have too much going on for anyone to help me I feel that when I ask for help I'm weak and I don't want to burden other people with my problems I guess thats my problem.. I have no1 I really can talk to on the outside world..
    I've finally got an appointment with a psyciatrist after 18 months of waiting but its not till next month and I don't know if thats going to be too long.. I'm so scared of getting a label =( I hope your okay
  4. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hey :hug:

    I can assure you that you're not the only one. I could have wrote that myself so I really understand what you're going through.

    Sometimes I think what the hell is wrong with me but at the same time things are racing through my mind at 100 miles an hour. Things in my head make sense to me but when I try & write it down or explain it to people I just feel stupid because I can't make sense of it anymore :huh:

    I just don't get it sometimes.

    Anyhow I guess my post doesn't really help you much but I wanted to reassure you that you're definitely not alone. :hug:
  5. xTheBlondex

    xTheBlondex Well-Known Member

    The reassurance is what I need I guess.. ever since I got the appointment actually sorted out for the psyciatrist my mind has started to race even more.. my doctor sort of gave me a pre diagnosis of Bi polar , Usually my moods change quite rapidly so i guess (Rapid cycling) but since I got the appointment I've been so low its unbelieveable I'm so scared of getting a label.. but if I'm so scared why did I fight so hard for a year and a half to get this appointment?!
  6. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    I know exactly what you mean and you are definitely not alone. I hate it especially when you get that feeling of a thought going through your mind, but just before that thought forms, another one arrives and you don't have time to process it.. If that makes any sense.. Thats what happens to me anyway.. I must say that since I was placed on a low dose of an antipsychotic (Seroquel, also helps me sleep better), it has been more managable..
  7. xTheBlondex

    xTheBlondex Well-Known Member

    It's amazing how I can convince myself that I'm a complete and utter weirdo yet when I come on here I actually feel like I fit in somewhere that maybe I'm a normal person with just problems instead of a complete and utter misfit in the real world..

    I'm quite (ish) popular with many people yet I feel so abnormal completely and utterly different to anyone.. I feel like I have some fake front up all the time!

    I only feel like i fit in here which is quite sad really but at least i feel some sort of normality here...

    I have a question?
    How long did it take you to be refferred to a psyciatrist (if you have been) and how quick did you get a diagnosis from your psyciatrist? and how did you feel about it?

    *Hugs to everyone btw*
  8. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Not everyone falls into the 90% normal spectrum. I guess I realized that I just have to make peace with the fact that I am not normal, and that perhaps thats ok.. Maybe even better than ok, I am and you are unique and maybe its better that way.. Everybody has their own problems I guess.

    It took me about 6 years to realize or finally decide that I had to see someone about how I was feeling. I spoke to my brother, who is a GP and he referred me to a psychiatrist straight away (it took about 3 weeks to wait for the appointment). I was initially diagnosed with ADHD, because I was treated by the psychiatrist and a neurologist who didn't know what he was doing.. About a year later and feeling a lot worse the psychiatrist took me off the ADHD meds and prescribed a few antidepressants, a low dose of an antipsychotic and a few anxiety medications. It made a huge difference! I recommend that you keep a diary of how you feel and what you experience, and give this to your psych. It would have helped me a lot if I had done that straight away.. Best of luck with your first visit. Feel free to pm me if there is anything that you want to know.
  9. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Waiting lists vary depending on each trust.

    I didn't wait long to see a psychiatrist, in fact if I'm honest I think it was less than a week. I don't think I was ever properly referred though, it was done by my cpn after an od.

    I only seen the psych a few times & tbh I didn't feel comfortable with her. I think I was of the same opinion as you, she was trying to label me & I was having none of it. I think I was diagnosed as having severe depression at my 2nd session.

    I was on a waiting list for Psychology for ages, 6 months or so but I've been told this is normal.

    I'm sorry to hear you had to wait 18 months for an appointment, that must have been an awfully long wait for you :hug: Do you have a cpn or anybody like that to support you? It's only natural that you will feel anxious re the appt, after all it's a fear of the unknown but you have come this far hun. The appointment won't be anywhere as bad as you imagine.

    :hug: xx
  10. xTheBlondex

    xTheBlondex Well-Known Member

    I don't have anyone to talk too really... when I first told my mum that I had seen the GP she flew off the handle and basically told me I was 'fucked up'.. ect that kind of hurt.. The appointment is for a psyciatric assessment I have no idea what happens or what they ask when you go for one of those..
    I don't want to have a label stuck on me but I can't go through all this crap for much longer I can feel myself getting progressively weaker and finally giving in the temptation to stuff my face with pills and alcohol
  11. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    If you ever want to talk you can PM me hun :hug:

    Are you on any meds atm? I really feel for you hun, going through all this with no support. My family or friends don't know about my depression but I've always had support from my cpn & psychologist.

    Can I ask how long you've been feeling like this, because I assume it's been a while :hug: It just seems an awful lot to be going through on your own.

    I really think it would be of benefit to you if you went to your GP to see if they have any sort of mental health services attached to the practice e.g. like a cpn. You get to see them pretty regularly & sometimes it's just nice to have someone to talk to. My cpn was also very helpful when I went to the psychiatrist, she came along to the 1st couple of sessions just to reassure me.

    From memory I don't think an awful lot happens at the assessments, talking mostly. They do ask a lot of questions about how you are feeling & your whole life in general. I think I gave one word answers or shrugged my shoulders at everything. Sometimes it's helpful to write stuff down that you want to ask or things you think might be helpful.

  12. xTheBlondex

    xTheBlondex Well-Known Member

    Thank you for listening to me :) it makes me really happy to know people care, I just wish I could be surrounded by people on here in real life..

    As for how long i've been feeling like this.. It can be traced back to when I started nursery.. Social services were called because I was a very 'sad child' and then In primary school they were called again because I always looked and seemed really upset or sad and it carried on from there I took about 4/5 overdoses in one year when I was 15 (no one ever knew!) then it got worse after my dad died in 2006 and now it's just WOW I can't explain it.

    I'm not on any meds I'm hoping that after the assessment they may put me on something, I've never been one for medication but I really do need help!
  13. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    I'll always be here to listen hun. I'm crap at dealing with my own problems but I like to think my experiences can help others.

    I can't believe the lack of support you've had hun, it's just appalling. I was always classed as 'sad' at school, never looked happy apparently but even then I still had educational psychologists & guidance teachers looking out for me. I took my 1st od at 15 & was referred to a witch of a psych. Thankfully she discharged me after a few months. I was still depressed but it didn't really affect me again until I was 22. I finally got help 2 years ago when I was 23.

    Would you consider going to your doc & asking about a cpn. They don't work miracles or anything & I have been seeing mine for almost 2 years now but she does help me make sense of all the things in my head that I don't understand. Is your doctor aware of how you are feeling?

    At your assessment you might not get any meds prescribed straight off, sometimes they want to work with you a bit first but I think it all depends on the doctor. I know you're not keen on them, I'm not either but they can help if you find one that suits, the trouble is it can be a lot of trial & error before you find one that works for you.

    When do you have your appt?
  14. xTheBlondex

    xTheBlondex Well-Known Member

    I'm the same as you can help anyone and tend to take on everyone elses problems and not able to deal with my own!

    It took me so much to see the GP again to be reffered to the psyc.. I would of thought she may of offered me a cpn without me asking.. I'll try to work myself up to going back though my appointments on the 15th of october 10 days before my birthday!

    I'm quite upset about the help or lack of help I've recieved aswell but I guess I've always had this 'front' about me.. thats why I'm quite popular among the people in my college.. if they knew half of what i go through I think they'd walk away slowly.. I've lost most of my "good" friends due to my complete and utter random mood switches I don't blame them but I wish I did have someone there for me!
  15. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean hun, I'm seen as such a confident & outgoing person but on the inside I feel like I'm falling apart.

    It can be so nervewracking getting the confidence to make an appointment with the doctor. Mentally I have to prepare myself for days & even then I still shake like a leaf when I am calling them. It's so weird, I don't really get it.

    When I first went to my GP years ago I was at rock bottom, I felt awful. I wasn't really sure what to expect but I sure as hell wasn't expecting her to say come back in 3 months if you still feel like this! :unsure: At that time I didn't think I would be alive in 3 months but I couldn't bring myself to tell her that so I left after spending all of 5 minutes with her. Not once did she mention a cpn. I was lucky to have an appt with the practice nurse a few weeks later & for some reason I told her how I was feeling. She said I was clearly depressed & referred me to the cpn. Without her referral I honestly don't think I would be here today. She saved my life & I have never been back to that doctor, she makes me too angry because I feel she should have seen what the nurse clearly seen.

    Your experience may be different but I feel it probably has similarities from what you've said already.

    Your psych appt isn't for another month, 4 weeks may not be a lot to some people but when you're feeling low it can seem like a lifetime. I hope you can find the strength to make an appt with your doc & ask about a cpn. You never know by the time your psych appt comes round you could have already been referred & possibly had an appt with a cpn. As nerve wracking & stomach churning as it may be I think it would really help you in the long term :hug:
  16. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Dear xB your thread struck a cord with me because I often ask myself the same question and think what is it exactly that's making me think like this.My Dr says it would be everything because the body doesn't care,although that doesn't give you much comfort because you constantly are looking for answer's.
  17. xTheBlondex

    xTheBlondex Well-Known Member

    Thank you for all your replies.. Claire I've been really busy today and had a real shit day I really wanna talk to you some more though so I will PM you when I have some time... if thats okay?

    xx Robyn xx
  18. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hey hun,

    Sorry you've had a crap day.

    PM me anytime, I'll reply as soon as I can.

    Claire xx
  19. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    I have seen more than one psychiatrist, and the only time I had to wait a long time for a first appointment was when I was in my first year of college. The appointments at the health center were always backed up. It took me quite a while to get a diagnosis.. a number of months. Actually, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after being admitted to a mental institution. After that, my psychiatrist was still in doubt about what my diagnosis should be, and then I was told I was "definitely" bipolar about two months ago.

    The label is really just a simple way of matching up the symptoms of an illness with an understandable diagnosis so that you can be treated with the right medication and therapy. As for what your label will mean to a boss or friend, that's a different story, but you can choose who you tell about it. And before you mentioned bipolar disorder, it sounded like you might be in a mixed state or rapid cycling. I hope I can help.
  20. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    i found having a "label" was a blessing and a curse, but the pros for me outweighed the cons. once i knew what was wrong, had a name to put to all the symptoms, it made it easier for me to deal with. i could look at it and say 'this is my disease. i'm not a bad person. i'm not royally fucked up. i'm just sick' and from there i was able to focus my research to making myself better.

    as for the cons, i just dont tell anyone. my husband knows, my docs know, i know, and that's it.

    it can be good to have a label, like being told you have cancer. better to know what's broken so you can start working towards fixing it. if you don't know what's wrong your shooting randomly into the dark to try to heal yourself.
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