Hi. I'm new to expressing my feelings on an open forum- or anywhere, really. So here.
I don't know why I feel so messed up. I don't even know if I am. I feel like I don't have any control over myself, or my life. Which, of course, I do. I have control over everything that I've ever done. I don't have all that many reasons to feel depressed, and the reasons I have don't make sense any more. I had my first girlfriend break up with -twice- me a year ago, and I still don't feel like I'm over her. She moved directly from me to another person after we patched things up, after I worked incredibly hard to convince her she could actually like me. But anyway. That would be something to put in the relationship area of the forums. I think the reason that frustrates me, along with the whole reason I feel horrible about myself, is the fact that she left. No reason, no nothing. It's been the same with everyone I've been friends with. They just go away eventually, and I can't tell why. I don't feel like I'm repulsive in any way, except when I'm majorly depressed, and I'd imagine that's fairly normal. So I don't think it's me. Doesn't mean it isn't. I have one person I feel I can call friend, and I don't even feel like he's a close one. Which is really odd, considering. He's the first (and to date, only) person I've come out as bisexual to. We share things I have never shared with anyone, minus the girlfriend. I've told her the most I've ever said to anyone. A year later, she remains at the top of my contacts list, even though I've deleted her number and stopped talking to her for that year. But back to my friend. I still feel like I settled for a person, one that needed me more than I needed him. Which again, is weird. I'm really, really introverted. I'm fine with people, I can talk to them and interact just fine. I'm not what I would call shy, exactly. But I've gone to enough parties and social functions to know that people drain me of energy really quickly. So when someone invites me to do something, I've started to draw on that feeling of drainedness, if that makes sense. I remember how I feel after, and it's not a pleasant, "Woo, that was fun" feeling, it's way more of a "no, I'd rather not do that again" feeling. Maybe I want more control. I like knowing what to say, when people like me, are comfortable with me. I don't know. People seem uncomfortable with me - well, not uncomfortable so much as not comfortable.
First World problems, right?
Thoughts?
Help?
Need clarification?
I don't know why I feel so messed up. I don't even know if I am. I feel like I don't have any control over myself, or my life. Which, of course, I do. I have control over everything that I've ever done. I don't have all that many reasons to feel depressed, and the reasons I have don't make sense any more. I had my first girlfriend break up with -twice- me a year ago, and I still don't feel like I'm over her. She moved directly from me to another person after we patched things up, after I worked incredibly hard to convince her she could actually like me. But anyway. That would be something to put in the relationship area of the forums. I think the reason that frustrates me, along with the whole reason I feel horrible about myself, is the fact that she left. No reason, no nothing. It's been the same with everyone I've been friends with. They just go away eventually, and I can't tell why. I don't feel like I'm repulsive in any way, except when I'm majorly depressed, and I'd imagine that's fairly normal. So I don't think it's me. Doesn't mean it isn't. I have one person I feel I can call friend, and I don't even feel like he's a close one. Which is really odd, considering. He's the first (and to date, only) person I've come out as bisexual to. We share things I have never shared with anyone, minus the girlfriend. I've told her the most I've ever said to anyone. A year later, she remains at the top of my contacts list, even though I've deleted her number and stopped talking to her for that year. But back to my friend. I still feel like I settled for a person, one that needed me more than I needed him. Which again, is weird. I'm really, really introverted. I'm fine with people, I can talk to them and interact just fine. I'm not what I would call shy, exactly. But I've gone to enough parties and social functions to know that people drain me of energy really quickly. So when someone invites me to do something, I've started to draw on that feeling of drainedness, if that makes sense. I remember how I feel after, and it's not a pleasant, "Woo, that was fun" feeling, it's way more of a "no, I'd rather not do that again" feeling. Maybe I want more control. I like knowing what to say, when people like me, are comfortable with me. I don't know. People seem uncomfortable with me - well, not uncomfortable so much as not comfortable.
First World problems, right?
Thoughts?
Help?
Need clarification?
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