if this seems incoherent it's because I'm tired I am nineteen years old. For the past five years I've been entertaining the idea of offing myself. For the past three I've self-harmed. I have no friends. Since elementary school I've watched everyone around me smile and be happy. I have no job, no money, and so am forced to live off of my parents' altruism until they kick me out. I'm going to college because it's what people do, but nothing interests me; I have no prospects for the future, and I can't see the reason in having any. I live in a society in which people think that pacifying themselves through television and God is absolutely fine and in which most people work service jobs because humankind can't figure out anything better to do than to sell itself shit and engage in mindless self-indulgence. I find it harder and harder to think that living would be a good thing because my entire life I've felt dead and because the entire world seems to be fucking insane. There is nothing to look forward to, not in my life, nor my civilization; there is nothing to work toward other than self-sustenance and self-gratification. The only thing I can hope for is a revolution that would tear down the shitty socioeconomic and political systems that we've constructed, allowing humankind to work toward its own evolution rather than pacification, or some sort of global disaster that would more or less achieve the same thing, albeit more destructively. But neither of those things will happen. My life feels pointless because the world I live in has no point. If I gave myself purpose, I feel as if I would only be lying to myself to make myself feel better while simultaneously perpetuating the crappy reality that's causing everyone to become depressed in the first place.