I don't know

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by thepainwithin, Feb 20, 2013.

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  1. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    20 years of school and when it starts to matter and become important I start to lose my mind. 10ish years of math and I failed my first math class last year. And now I'm just struggling to be a C student. I'm happy with Ds. It's not good enough for me or my parents.

    I tell them I can't focus, my mind isn't here. I'm struggling. And they say you're just lazy, you need to work harder get a tutor.

    But how do I tell them I'm struggling with a... Getting high... Addiction, be it from pot, my medicines, alcohol.. And how do I tell them I'm most likely gay? I mean, I don't know. You can't deny I'm bisexual on paper.. A girl who would have given everything to me I ever wanted dumped me because I'm so awkward around girls now.

    How do I tell them I'm a slave to my penis? Addicted to masturbation. Or that I can't control a cross dressing habit that's been going on for 22 years?

    How do I tell them that ever since I've been able to think, I've been struggling with a problem ill never able to resolve? I feel like a woman. I envy women. I've always wished, felt like I was one.

    I'm failing socially, academically, mentally... But to them it's just a lack of effort.

    They keep bringing up variations of the "why don't you have a girlfriend" question to me. They keep pushing me to dress better, to open up, specifically so girls will notice me. How do I tell them I'm incapable of meeting girls? Even as friends... So I play it off like I'm not looking for a relationship, when the reality is I've had to leave classes because of so much anxiety from just hoping a girl would talk to me...

    The hardest part is being on a campus with 25000 people my age and not having a single friend. I often overhear "normal" people saying things to their friends like "don't eat by yourself, only losers do that"... To me, eating a meal with someone to talk to is the exception.

    Things I don't ever want to tell them are holding me back. And I'd rather die than come out as gay. My dad doesn't want it, I can't blame him, does any father want their only son, their only chance at passing on their name to be gay?

    So I just go through the motions. It's a waste of money and it'll crumble over on top of me when it's too late
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 20, 2013
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