I don't know

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Its_me, Apr 5, 2014.

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  1. Its_me

    Its_me New Member

    I don't know what to do, one day I'm fine. The next day I am <mod edit - methods>. I've noticed every night I can't sleep cause all I think about is killing myself. An hour ago I was going to, I was so ready. But I didn't do it, I don't know why. It's <mod edit - methods> I just keep staring at it. I want to go so bad but I can't make myself do it. I wish I could go to sleep and just not wake up in the morning. I really honestly wish it. I don't know why I'm telling the people on here. I don't. I thinks it's because I want someone, anyone to know how I feel. Don't tell me to go talk to my parents or siblings. They will look at me different, judge me, I can't take it!! No one cares!! The people at school are mean to me, they think I'm a nobody and I don't matter. They look at me like I'm dog poo on the sidewalk. People either don't notice me or look at me like that. I don't know what to do, I want to be happy again and I feel like if I go to heaven I will be happy again. I don't even remember how happy feels, I remember it's good but I haven't had it for so long. I don't want to be sent to a councler or the hospital or anything. I don't want anyone I know to know I feel this way. They will hate me even more. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't really like myself anymore. I make everything a weapon on myself. I just can't take it. I know what you all will say "you're only 15 you have a long life ahead of you" but even if I do have a long life ahead of me, why would I want to live in misery? Anyone who reads this don't call 911 on me or anything I just want to vent a little I don't want to go to the hospital or talk about it to someone. I'm scared of that. So please don't
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 5, 2014
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I don't think anyone would judge you for telling them how sad you are, Especially your family how can they help you if you don't let them hun
    You can talk to a councilor at your school about how you are feeling it will be confidential I am glad you are talking here releasing some of the sadness here helps some
    Please know there is help for you ok you just have to trust your parents or a teacher or councilor they will be there for you and will not judge you hugs
  3. PinkiePieInTheSky

    PinkiePieInTheSky Well-Known Member

    Don't worry about us calling anyone on you; it's not possible ;)

    Anything in particular that makes you feel this way?
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    The important thing, if you are being bullied you need to tell someone. Bullying is not right and they people who are doing it should be punished. You are worth a lot and it takes a lot of courage to post here. You are not alone here and I encourage to keep posting here.

    I understand you are only 15, but you have the whole of life to look ahead. I would think about telling your parents as they would understand because they love you. Nobody will judge you here but will give the support you require during you hard times. Never think you are alone, as there a lot of good people here who can relate to your feelings.

    Remember one thing it does not matter whether you are old or young everyone suffers their own crisis and cry out for help. I hope these words help and please take care. Also please keep posting, as we are all here to help each other.
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. no one here calls 911 on anyone else. We do not even have access to info about where you live. So its all safe to post here. I was worried about that too at first. But its all safe.

    Being 15 can be SO hard. It can really be horrible. And very painful. Sorry that your parents would judge you. Thats really hard. Hard enough to have kids being mean to you. But then to have parents who would judge you for it. Thats really rough. Kids were mean to me too when I was in school. Made it so hard for me. Painful.

    Please keep coming here and talking okay? I do wish of course that there was someone you could talk to also irl. In addition to coming here. But if there is no one then you were smart to come here. Once to start coming here we already care about you. So I want you to know that. And thats a really good thing. Remember we do not know where you live. We all can feel safe here because no one knows where we live. okay? Just know once you meet us we care.

    No one will bully you here. But we will care. and here are some flowers to prove it :flowers:
    Please stay alive. Because parents and sibs never ever ever get over the pain of losing a kid or sibling. Its a pain that never ever goes away.
  6. Its_me

    Its_me New Member

    Thanks to everyone on here who cares. I really don't want to go to school tomorrow and be with the people who are so mean to me. One time I told a principal about this one girl who was always talking bad stuff about me and swearing at me and stuff but it was a mistake to tell. The prinipal was great about it and told her not to and everything but she is popular at my school and it just resulted in more people hating me and saying stuff about me. With all the people thinking I'm such a bad person it makes me think I am a bad person and I just cut. Like my hip or wrists or something. It helped me tolerate it for a while but then I have to come home and be with my mom. She is always screening at me to do more, like I do the dishes and vacuum and sweep but she'll yell at me to clean the bathroom. While my brother and sister just go on their phones and stuff. My mom sometimes says she wishes she never had kids. When she says stuff like that I just really want to die. Literally I just want to so bad. Honestly I just don't want it to be painful so I don't know how to do it. I lightened my hair with a hair lightening thing and now everyday she tells me how ugly it looks and that I did a horrible job. I loved how it looks but now I feel ugly. So ugly and bad and useless. I don't tell anyone about the people at school or about my life because it backfires. So I don't know what to do anymore but I want to thank you all for being so nice. Not many people are nice to me. The noose I tied is just sitting under my pillow but I don't hang it. I don't get rid of it either cause I don't know what to do.
  7. Its_me

    Its_me New Member

    I don't want to go to school tomorrow! I don't want to, I'm making myself sick thinking about it. I'm crying I just really don't want to go! I don't want to! Can I please not! Pleaseeee
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I wish you were old enough so you didnt have to live with your mother or go to school. But that will take more time. I am sorry. I had a good friend whose mom was an alcoholic. Things were hard for her. She used to talk with the school guidence counselor. She really made a difference in my friend's life. I am not saying this would be helpful for you. But I do wonder if it might help.

    My mom used to always tell me terrible things about myself. Make a joke out of me. Ridicule me. Tell me terrible things about myself. I know how much it caused me to think bad things about myself. Even though they honestly were not true. But I still believed what she said. Then I would go to school and sort of be a target for kids who needed to be mean to other kids to try to feel superior and better about themsevles. It hurts. But you have us. And we will not hurt you that way. We know what it is like to hurt.
  9. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Cannot you change school? Living at home must be tough at moment. You need to focus on your studies in order achieve something in your life. I appreciate life is tough but I believe you can pull through it. You have guts as you posted on here and that takes a lot of determination for someone so young. Your think life is worthless at the moment but you need to focus.

    The bullies at school are just stupid and seeking attention by targeting you. Bullies are just one thing which are cowards. Don't give them a reaction as that they feed off that. I know it's hard to say but you can do it. If you don't focus on them, they will avert there attention elsewhere. Alternatively, if you can avoid them then that might be a plan.

    If you are really affected, you need to tell the principal about and the affect it's having on your life. These bullies need to know what they are doing to you and their parents should be informed. It does not matter the person is the popular but they need to be responsible for their actions. I hope this helps you in your struggle. Remember two things you are not alone and we are all here to help each other. Please take care and keep posting.
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