I don't know

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Zombodium, Oct 21, 2014.

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  1. Zombodium

    Zombodium New Member

    I know I'm new and haven't posted anywhere yet, I hope no one minds me posting here...

    I feel like I'm stuck. I want to run away or not exist. I want to die. My partner and my team know vaguely how I'm feeling but there's nothing they can do. I have a hundred questions that I can't ask anyone because I don't want to end up in hospital. They just go through my mind all the time and I'm losing out on sleep and feel so isolated.

    I'm not typing these because I want encouragement or even answers, I just want to be heard. If I'm breaking any rules please delete this ASAP.

    Mod Edit, WildCherry>

    I live in a small village. There's nowhere to hide. Nowhere to run. I don't know what to do. I feel so desperate, so alone and so very afraid. I'm sorry if I've upset anyone. I think about this all the time and things have set me back. I've had responsibilities to fill, visitors to entertain and financial implications against me. I have to get through the weekend now but then what? Then what?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 21, 2014
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Z. I'm sorry to hear you feel so badly. :hug:

    SF is a pro-life site so no one here will suggest methods for suicide or self-harm...We will offer our support as you deal with the ups and down of getting through this tough time.

    I'm glad you have a supportive partner and a team in place. I think the times that are hardest are when we try to hide what we are truly feeling. That creates more stress, which really depletes our energy for coping day to day. Maybe it's time to let your partner and team know how dark your thoughts and feelings are?

    I think that honesty with your health care team and your partner is a good idea. Really, our health care teams can't offer us the best help if they don't know exactly how we're doing. In spite of your fear of being hospitalized, letting the doctor/counsellor know you have had "ideas" doesn't automatically mean you will end up in the hospital. There might be other alternatives - more frequent appointments, telephone support calls, different meds to help frayed nerves so you can get some sleep. (Lack of sleep makes things all the harder, makes it more difficult to think clearly.) Those are all better than offing oneself because of a depressed mind fog.

    It sure sounds like you've had a lot happening lately, with responsibilities, visitors, financial issues. There may be other community services that can help with some of what is on your plate...your team could probably direct you to anything that is available.

    It's good that you're thinking ahead and beyond the long weekend. Maybe you could look into setting up a couple of in-between appointment telephone calls or having a "safety/staying safe agreement" with your team. I hope you hold on and stay safe. Keep us posted. :hug:
     
  3. Zombodium

    Zombodium New Member

    Thanks for your reply. As I stated I wasn't looking for answers or support in hurting myself. I just have questions and there's nowhere else I can ask them but I understand why it was edited.

    I saw my psych yesterday and he threatened to section me. So I know for a fact that if I'm honest I will end up in hospital and that's not really helpful at all. I live in a country that doesn't have crisis teams or home treatment teams or anything. I have my psych appts and therapy appts and there's nothing else they can offer me. I don't want to be on medication, though I'm still taking my lithium even though I believe it to be compromised.

    Oh there's a lot of nothing to be said and not much anyone can do about it. I don't know. I mean. Why is death such a taboo thing?
     
  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    I think its important you still share with them how you are feeling even though they may not offer much help.
     
  5. Zombodium

    Zombodium New Member

    They know enough. If I said any more to them I would be hospitalised and that's not something I'm willing to let happen.

    I've been ambushed today unexpectedly and I really don't appreciate it. I know people care about me but I've been doing this for so long now that I can't cope with it. Maybe it's just time for me to go.
     
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