I don't know.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by unnamedfeeling, Dec 7, 2014.

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  1. unnamedfeeling

    unnamedfeeling Active Member

    I'm not fine. I tell everyone that I am but I'm actually dying. And I want to die, and I think about killing myself and that scares me enormously. Because I also want to live. I don't know if this is depression, this constant inability to enjoy my life, but I miss what I had before: I miss knowing how to love, and I miss the fearlessness I used to feel. Now I live like I've flicked an off-button on my soul. I wear a smile constantly, but it's really just a well-established, burdensome mask. I'm that person. That person that everybody looks at but nobody sees. That's not what hurts me, and that's not what made me how I am, but people seeing past my facade is what could really help me. I try to open up as often as I can but I know that people are uncomfortable when I tell them all of this. I'm lost and slowly stepping closer to the line that, in all honesty, I don't want to cross. I need to get better but I can't.
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, I'm no doctor but that sure sounds like depression, feeling invisible and putting on a smiley face for everyone, maybe you can continue with that look for them while seeking professional help. I know it is a subject that people are fearful of talking about so I'd suggest you contact your doctor about it then s/he? can refer you to someone who can help. Also, welcome to this site, it's a very friendly forum and you will get on just fine :)
     
  3. unnamedfeeling

    unnamedfeeling Active Member

    I'm not really comfortable seeking professional help. Last year I went to see a counsellor but I actually found myself lying about the severity of my problems to get it over with. I'm only sixteen, so seeing a doctor about this involves my parents knowing about it and I could never tell them. They have too much to worry about already.
     
  4. _nick_

    _nick_ Active Member

    In a similar boat here. I too hid things from the first doctor I went to see. But I'm going to go again and, like yourself, don't want any family to find out.

    I will share my plan with you and maybe it could help you to decide what to do;

    I am going to write everything down on a piece of paper. How I feel, my mood swings, suicidal thoughts, anything I can possibly think of. And then when you're at the doctors give them the paper. This way you know you're not hiding anything and also you won't forget anything either.

    And I am not entirely sure that your family are obliged to know because you are only 16 but I'm sure if you requested it then the doctor would listen to your request for confidentiality.
     
  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Your parents might have a lot on their plate you are still their son, and it's a pirority. It's same thing if you were sick with something and they took you to the doctor without question. Be honest to the doctor for your sake because it's a start to get the help you need.
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    How do you think your parents would react if they found out you were depressed? It might not be that bad and only seems scary now they might actually want you to get help. I'm not sure of how it works regarding confidentiality but if a parent knew, could the parent tell the doctor to keep it confidential (whatever is said in the doctors session) and it work out okay? I'm unsure of exactly how those laws work! But I do hope you can find some way to release the stress you are feeling regardless of this issue, you MUST be honest with your therapist. Writing it down is so much easier I found when I was in therapy.

    Best of luck :hug:
     
  7. unnamedfeeling

    unnamedfeeling Active Member

    I'm not convinced. I went through this already. I can't do it again, because it didn't help me at all. At this point I've begun to accet myself for who I've become. I can probably live with this until I find something that makes me actually want to live. I can abstain from the cutting, and I can fight against the thoughts. My brain is mine to control, and young minds are impressionable. I can do this on my own... but then why did I come here?
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    ..because we could possibly help you cope? To give you an outlet that's a safe environment for you? Those are pretty good reasons. I'm sorry you found therapy to be of no help but that doesn't mean give up, but keep fighting until these demons are gone.
     
  9. unnamedfeeling

    unnamedfeeling Active Member

    Frankly, I don't think they'll leave. I think maybe this is the way that I am.
     
  10. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi unnamed, it was great to see you in chat. I hope you return. And feel free to share your concerns there. Its a very supportive group of people.

    I think I was about 16 when a doctor suggested I see a psychologist. He said he would talk to my parents for me. I got angry and scared and never went back to him. I am 62 now and have been fighting suicidal thoughts off and on for years. I often wonder how different things might be if I had sought help. My parents would have been surprised. You see, I am good with the fake smile too. But they would have gotten me the help I needed. And my life would likely have been very different.

    You say young minds are impressionable. They are also easier to heal then older minds. I hope you use that to your advantage and seek help. That you stop hiding your pain and need from your parents. They would much prefer you to experience true happiness then suffer in silence. But first you need to let them know how much you are hurting.
     
  11. unnamedfeeling

    unnamedfeeling Active Member

    I know it's stupid and I'm stubborn, but although I see wisdom in your words I disagree. You'll say it's because I give nobody the chance, but people don't understand me. I care not how many university degrees, nor how many years more of life experience -I realize, that as a sixteen year old saying this I sound rather self-important- never have I ever met anybody who could keep up with my thought process. I'm a genius. It's rather bothersome. Most of my problems stem from my over-analytical nature, it seems. And so I say, the best that a doctor could do for me is give me meds. I don't want meds. This cannot help me. The best that my parents can do is tell me things that I already tell myself, be worried, and coddle me in their worry. I don't want them to worry and I'd prefer I wasn't coddled. As such I have convinced myself at the least that I oughtn't do as you say.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 9, 2014
  12. unnamedfeeling

    unnamedfeeling Active Member

    I need to find myself, because I feel like I'm becoming an idea, ceasing to live in flesh and blood and merely existing. I feel insubstantial, watching life from afar. This lack of emotion is why I started cutting; it was like I needed to feel something when life felt so empty, and nothing else was working. It's been two years since the depression really started, and one since the suicidal thoughts did. It's only been a few months until the first time that I was brave enough (or cowardly enough) to finally pierce my skin with the knife that had frequently sat on my wrist for nearly a year. And then I opened up to one of my friends and he made me promise to stop. But that feeling that we all occupy our minds trying to descrive and even justify; it's coming back. And I'm frightened that it will win me over this time. I think that's why I'm here.
     
  13. mismad

    mismad Active Member

    Hi unnamedfeeling, as u said that people are uncomfortable when u open up your problem. Maybe they want u to ignore that problem and never thought about it anymore.
    But the fact that some of the problem we cannot just let go and stood still in our mind. Here u can tell us about your root of problem that leading u to inability enjoy life.
     
  14. unnamedfeeling

    unnamedfeeling Active Member

    My life has become this cycle of finding myself, loving myself, losing myself, hating myself, wanting to kill myself, being a coward, and finding myself again. All of this constant change has made me insubsantial in character. I'm losing sight of who I am. Maybe in mind and body I'm still alive, but spiritually I'm empty. Even when I find happiness I don't find real joy. The worst part of it all is that I know I should be able to fix myself. I know that the mind holds great power and that if I really try, despite the pain and confusion and everything, I can make myself better. But I guess that I don't care about life enough anymore.
     
  15. unnamedfeeling

    unnamedfeeling Active Member

    Do you ever find yourself sabotaging your closest relationships? Last night I did just that to the only person who knows the extent of what I'm going through; my best friend (who also happens to be in love with me). I told him that what we had was purely and platonically an instance of me trying to divert my mind and that my sole interest in him was as a puzzle. I told him to go. He said no, that he knew this was me pulling away and that I had told him not to let me go, and that there was nothing I could do to make him leave. God, I love that guy. He knows, of course, how I feel about him and he keeps telling me that he'll wait for as long as I need to make things work, and he seems to think that somehow he'll succeed in spending the rest of his life with me. Apparently I inspire that kind of loyalty. That said, I care for him a lot, and I know that part of me hopes that he's right. Me trying to chase this guy away made me realize something though, I got around God, my family, and my friends, but in my mind there is no way to get around the fact of how affected he would be by my death. He's been trying to keep me alive for something like a year, and for me to kill myself would probably hurt him pretty enormously. And so that idea is what's been holding me back. It's fucking idiotic of me to put my life into the hands of an irresponsible, rebellious teenager in the way that I'm doing.
     
  16. mismad

    mismad Active Member

    I think there is still desire in ur heart because u care about ur boyfriend. Finding a boy who wants to support his girl at the worst time is not easy, i think u are lucky and blessed ;) I hope u can get better by standing by his side, supporting each other.
     
  17. unnamedfeeling

    unnamedfeeling Active Member

    It's one of those times when I feel buried in these urges. This need to stop living makes my chest ache. I won't do it. I'll fall asleep late and unhappy with a full mind and wake up after many dark dreams. Every time one of these nights happens I feel myself sliding a little bit closer to the edge.
     
  18. unnamedfeeling

    unnamedfeeling Active Member

    I want to cease existing. It would be optimal if I died of natural causes, causing less pain and trauma to the people with whom I'm close, but since one cannot simply plan to die of natural causes, suicide seems the logical course of action for somebody who no longer possesses the emotional nor the cognitive abilty to continue living. I'll probably have changed my mind in the morning, but since I spend more time in this frame of mind, with all of my twisted and pent-up emotions at the surface and my emotional pain drowning me, I think that maybe tonight is the night to finally surrender.
     
  19. unnamedfeeling

    unnamedfeeling Active Member

    Been here before couldn't say I liked it
    Where do I start writing all this down
    Just let me plunge you into my world
    Can't you help me be un-crazy

    Name this for me, heat the cold air
    Take the chill off of my life
    And if I could I'd turn my eyes
    To look inside to see what's coming

    It comes alive
    And I die a little more

    It comes alive
    Each moment here I die a little more

    Then the unnamed feeling
    It comes alive
    Then the unnamed feeling
    Takes me away

    Been here before
    Been here before

    I'm frantic in your soothing arms
    I cannot sleep in this down-filled world
    Found safety in this loneliness
    But I cannot stand it anymore

    Cross my heart hope not to die
    Swallow evil, ride the sky
    I lose myself in a crowded room
    You fool, you fool, it'll be here soon

    It comes alive
    And I die a little more

    It comes alive
    Each moment here I die a little more

    Then the unnamed feeling
    It comes alive
    Then the unnamed feeling
    Treats me this way
    And I wait for this train
    Toes over the line
    Then the unnamed feeling
    It takes me away, it takes me

    Get the fuck out of here
    I just wanna get the fuck away from me
    I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate
    I hate it all, why why why me?

    I cannot sleep with a head like this
    I wanna cry, I wanna scream
    I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate
    I wanna hate it all away

    Then the unnamed feeling
    It comes alive
    Then the unnamed feeling
    Takes me away


    Goodbye, thank you for keeping me alive for the past two weeks. I'll take it from here.
     
  20. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Don't give up. It's too early to quit. When I was your age (I'm over double that now) several people made that same ill-fated choice. I can only speculate, but because I have seen how things change so much, so many times over the years--& you don't have to wait very long for these changes to begin to take place--that each and every last one of them would have regretted it, or changed their minds if given the opportunity. In other words, I don't think that they would have done it again... Talk to someone. Anyone. Take care!
     
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