I don't know

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by raywings, Apr 7, 2015.

  1. raywings

    raywings New Member

    So this is my first post on this site. Might be my last, not sure. I didn't know where to start so I'm just gonna write here cause I really feel like just letting it all out. I'm just gonna write this all as it comes to mind, so might be a bit like rambling, so sorry to anyone who actually decides to read this shit.

    First off, I'm young. 15 years old to be precise, but I'll be 16 in a month. Yeah I know, teenage angst blah blah blah. I've heard a billion times that my depression doesn't matter shit cause I'm not 30 or something, and if you feel that me being young invalidates what I'm about to say, just click away right now cause I don't wanna hear from you anyway.

    So yeah, I have depression and OCD. I'm also transgender, but still in the closet. I seriously do not feel like explaining any of this shit, I'll just leave it at that.
    Point is I've been feeling fucking lost the last year or so. I've felt bad for about three years, but it's been getting to the point I've lost hope and I just feel awful all day. And I know I'm young, people keep telling me shit will turn around. But how? How will anything get better for such a piece of useless trash like me? I see no future at all for me. I'll just end up homeless or something cause no one wants to hire such a non-functioning shitface like me.

    I'm too tired all the time. I can't concentrate on anything. I'm failing school because I'm a lazy bum who would rather play video games than do homework. I can't do anything artistic to express myself, like play music, write, paint etc. I'm a bad person. No one likes me because I'm such a bad person, I have no friends and I'm all alone. Every single friend I've ever had has ended up emotionally abusing me, which I deserve cause I'm not a good person and not a good friend. I'm selfish and I expect people to do things I myself can't. I'm annoying and clingy.

    Cause I'm transgender, I have a lot of gender dysphoria. I do wanna transition one day, but I'm not sure when I'll be able to. Not right now, not when I'm stuck with transphobic family, I need to get out first. But my dysphoria is really bad and I don't know how to deal with it until I can transition. I hate my body, every single part of it. I just wanna tear myself out of it. I look in the mirror and I don't even see myself. Can't even really describe in words how bad my gender dysphoria is, I'll just leave it like this.

    And fucking OCD, giving me intrusive thoughts all the time. I get all these awful violent and disgusting thoughts and images in my head all the time, and I can't do anything about it. I have all this anxiety all the time about everything, I obsess about so many things.

    Fuck, there's so much more I wanna say but I don't know how to write any of this down. My mind is so clouded. I don't know, I just don't know. I've felt utterly lost for months now and I just want it to end. Every single night I just lay in bed wishing it would end already, while intrusive thoughts keep haunting me. If only I had<mod edit - methods>. I don't care how many people would be saddened by my death, call me a selfish prick, I don't care. I won't have to care for anything when I'm dead.

    But I honestly don't want to be dead. I just want to be someone else. Part of me tells me it will get better, but I have such a hard time believing that. Every day I lose more and more hope for myself.

    And I'm not writing this to get help. Not sure what help I could get. I just needed to write something.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 8, 2015
  2. little lucy

    little lucy Active Member

    Hi. Yeah it's annoying when people think that just because you are young your depression doesn't matter. Writing everything out is a good way to vent. Also, you don't deserve to be treated badly. People sometime's think that just because they are treated badly they deserve it. But, that's not true. You deserve to find good people to be friends with.

    If you don't want to be dead, I wouldn't jump to killing yourself. Living IS extremely miserable. But, it seems like there is a good chance that things could get better for you. Especially when you are able to move away from your family. So I would try to keep hanging in there. Do you see a therapist for your depression or OCD or anything?
  3. raywings

    raywings New Member

    Thanks for the replay. I'm currently seeing a therapist, but it's not really helping. I'm considering switching therapist.
    And yeah, I think I should hold on to but sometimes it's hard when it gets so overwhelming.