I don't know...

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Est, Jun 28, 2007.

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  1. Est

    Est Guest


    I honestly don't know anymore.
    I'm feeling so fucked up the last weeks. In a way it feels like therapy is helping me, but I still feel just as shit as before. Even worse actually.
    I have way less outbursts of rage, but yesterday I fucked up majorly.

    In the train on my way to therapy it caught me; restlessness (is that even a word?). I started tapping my feet, ticking my fingers against everything and it went on like that for several hours. Until at some point the usual came. It turned from feeling restless into rage. I got so angry but obviously I couldn't selfharm, as I was at therapy. Normally I do a few burns when I have these fits and that cools me down a bit, but as I was at therapy I couldn't do anything and it drove me insane. Like literally. Up to the point where, when me and this one other girl from my group were in the room and I couldn't keep it in anymore and I started banging my head against the table, that's when the girl pulled me away and we went to look for the PsychoMotor Therapist. (to do with sports). I asked if I could do some kickboxing cos I needed the release, but she started about "controlling it" blabla.. so she gave me a football instead and I could start kicking that against the wall. It didn't do fuck all for me, apart from making me very sweaty :dry:
    After that we had dinner (me tapping my foot constantly and all)
    and when I got home I stormed to my room, and lost it completely. that was wednesday about 7 or 8 pm and my arm still hurts and it looks like shit. I've never had it this bad.
    But that's because normally I can immediately burn to release it and I calm down already, this time I had to keep it in the entire fucking day. :sad:

    This therapy is wearing me out.
    1) it's wearing me out cos of all the confrontations I have to face
    2) it's wearing me out because it hurts me to see the others in pain
    3) it's wearing me out because it's hurtful to hear some of the things the therapists have to say to/about me.

    there are a few things the therapists have told me already..

    * The team is extremely worried about me, they are scared I might suicide.
    * They think I lose control of myself in more than just rage. But also in acting 'crazy' (like the running around topless etc), in anything really. And they think I often go all the way just to not feel anything.
    * they think I'm a thrillseeker, who seeks like really dangerous thrills. one of them made a nice metaphore about it "you're balancing on the verge of a volcano. if you fall to one side you'll get up and try again, if you fall to the otherside.. well... you fall into the lava"

    There's more but meh. not in the mood right now.

    I just know I'm really not doing well. More like really really really bad. I want to selfharm so much more right now. I need friends, I need to rant, I need to hug someone, I need to cry. I can't any of those. There's none of those so it seems sometimes.
    I feel so lonely.
    I feel uncared for.
    Nobody would REALLY miss me if I'd die. People would easily get over it. sigh.
    I hate myself. I loathe myself. I disrespect myself.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I've told you hun..it gets worse before it gets better.. :hug:
    Therapy is a hard road of self discovery and facing issues that you would rather not look at; your mind will do all sorts to avoid the pain that the therapy is throwing up.
    The rage is a "normal" reaction to the therapeutic process and I know it stinks and I know its frightening, horrible and destructive but hang on in there.
    Please make sure you tell your therapist exactly what's going on...they can be good but they aint mind readers. :hug:
    Have you thought about maybe being an inpatient while this particular phase of treatment is stirring you up so much? :hug:
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I can only reiterate what Terry has said. The process of healing only happens when we work through the pain. Working through that brings a lot of pain as well, but it is a different pain.You do need to tell them how you are truly feeling right now. The feelings of range and increased nee to self harm, all of that. They cannot help without the full picture. Please take care Ester. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2007
  4. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I agree with Terry and Corrina there is nothing I can say they haven't already said. Please think about what's been said, and we would miss you dearly, please don't give up on the therapy, please give it some more time and let them know the full picture without it they can't help you the their full ability. Hang in there hun. Please remember WE do CARE. :hug: :hug:
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